Guide to Dogs

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Guide to Dogs

Things that I, the Dog, Must Remember:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats’ food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
9. “Kitty box crunchies,” although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am haemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for dad’s driver’s license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavoured dental floss out of the bathroom garbage—this will avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not pass gas in my owner’s face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. The cat is not a squeaky toy so, when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.