bmo

Good try wezzer...

Betcha that's what happened...

Yup - I would have done the same... grin...

Some jokes you can just picture them happening in your mind and they are funnier that way..! This one cracked me up...

Obviously a Blonde Old Lady...

I'll get there someday...

Oops and eekky...

Don't tell the ladies that story...

AINT THAT THE TRUTH...

Lucky Guy (maybe..)...

Smart Lady...

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your sister?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me f**k all around here.”

Oops... All those years and still hasn't learned...

Sex Life & Coca-Cola... Two friends meet after many years and talk about their past life. One asks the other: “And how’s your sex life"? “Same As Coca-Cola" "Oh great!......Full of bubbles, eh?” “Nothing like that! Before it was ‘CLASSIC’, then it became 'LIGHT' and now it is 'ZERO' !

I'll use that if I get into that situation...

Tough lady... woo woo...

I'll check Walmart for any sign of them...

Makes sense to me...

I can Hear the Thunder Clap from here... grin...

Cute...

DIVORCE HEARING IN ITALY… A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?" DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON! Well - I'm not sure of that but it's a cute story anyway...

The Cynical Philosopher Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat….you're just easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks! The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Think of this: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk!

Oops...