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bmo

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Posts posted by bmo

  1. Posted · Report reply

    Yup, Some people can't handle the truth.!
     
    My Favourite Animal...
     
    Our teacher askked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
     
    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone laughed.
     
    My parents told me to always  tell the truth.  I did.  Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
     
    I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.
     
    I do too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef.
     
    Anyway, my teacher sent me too the principal's office.
     
     
    I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.  Then he told me not to do it again.
     
    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
     
    I told her it was chicken.  She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
     
    She sent me back to the principal's office.
     
    He laughed and told me not to do it again.
     
    I don't understand.  My parents told me to always  told me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
     
    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired the most.
     
    I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
     
    Guess where the f**k I am now...
    • Haha 1

  3. Posted · Report reply

    The Importance of a Space...

     

    A secretary got an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a
    Christmas present.

    She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail.

    The boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce.

    The e-mail said:

    "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has an extraordinary
    smooth flow and a firm stroke.  I loved its perfect size and grip.  Felt like I
    was in heaven when using it.  Thanks a lot."

    Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.

    • Haha 3

  5. Posted · Report reply

    The first time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them.
     
    Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part
    of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected & is frequently
    humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them.)
     
    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 
     
    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.... but it's still on my list.
     
    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people
        appear bright until you hear them speak.
     
    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
     
    5. We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.
     
    6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
     
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is
         not putting it in a fruit salad.  
     
    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
        To steal from many is research.
     
    9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
     
    10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only 
          need a parachute to skydive twice.
     
    11. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 
     
    12. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first &
          call whatever you hit the target.
     
    13. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any 
          more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  
     
    14. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
     
    15. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting
          harder & harder for me to find one now. 
    • Like 1
    • Haha 1

  7. Posted · Report reply

    Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
    But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived,
    so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
    Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
    Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
    Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
    I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

    • Haha 1

  8. Posted · Report reply

    Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
    But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived,
    so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
    Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
    Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
    Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
    I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

    • Like 1
    • Haha 2
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