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After the Ark... Long after the Ark had landed and Noah had told all the animals to go forth and multiply, he decided to venture out into the world and see how all the animals were doing. He saw all the animals were thriving...except one pair of snakes, who had not yet reproduced. Noah asked them what was wrong, and the snakes asked Noah to cut down a tree and chop it into sections. Confused, Noah did so, and went away. He returned several weeks later to find the snakes with several little baby’s snakes. Still confused, Noah asked the snakes, "Why did you need me to cut down a tree for you to reproduce?" The snakes replied, "We're adders; we can't multiply without logs."

Jewellery Shops One day John is walking along the road when he bumps into Jim who he went to school with. Jim is richly dressed and standing next to a brand-new car. John remembers that Jim was never too bright in school so he wonders how come he seems to be doing so well. Jim says, "Well, I recently opened a jewellery store in Town and last month I opened two down south." John is confused and asks, "You opened three jewellery stores in two months? How?" "With a crowbar."

How to Simulate Being in the Navy Lock all friends and family outside. Communicate only through letters that your neighbours hold for three weeks, discarding two out of every five. Surround yourself with hundreds of people that you don’t know or like; people who smoke, snore and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal. Unplug all radios, TVs, and computers; cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time or Newsweek from five years ago to stay abreast of current events. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all information, regardless of how boring, i.e., plugged in, light still comes on when door opened, etc. Don’t flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of forty people using one commode. Lock the bathroom twice a day for four hours. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for twenty minutes. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or care if it’s day or night. Listen to your favourite CD six times a day for weeks, then listen to music painful enough to cause you to return to your favourite CD. Cut a twin mattress in half. Enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up. Place it on a platform four feet off the floor. Place a dead animal under the bed to simulate the odour of your bunkmates’ socks. Set your alarm to go off at 10-minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew bump around, waking you. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you’re tossed about the remaining hours. Install a custom clock to simulate random fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band. Buy week-old fruit and vegetables, then wait two weeks before eating them. Prepare all meals blindfolded using either all the spices you have or none at all. Remove the blindfold. Eat everything in three minutes. Periodically, shut off your main circuit breaker, run around shouting “Fire! Fire! Fire!”, then restore power. Buy a gas mask, smear it with rancid animal fat, scrub the face shield with steel wool, and then wear it for two hours every fifth day, especially when you are in the bathroom. Memorize the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take appliances apart and put them back together. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations, paint everything grey, white, or puke green. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper. Lock up all but two rolls. Keep one of those two rolls wet at all times. Smash your forehead or shin with a hammer at least every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard ships. Make sandwiches with six-day-old bread. Every ten weeks, simulate a visit to a port. Wearing your best clothes, go to the city slums, find a terrible bar, and order the most expensive beer they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home, but by the longest possible route. Tip the cabby even though he charges you double because you dress funny and don’t speak right. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate a ship’s de-desalination plant picking up jet fuel in its intake. If a lit match won’t light your coffee pot, add more kerosene. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 40°. Use only a thin blanket for warmth. Install a device on your water heater to vary randomly the water flow from a fast drip to a weak trickle, while alternating the temperature from 33° to 200°. Use only giant, over-sized spoons. Repaint the interior of your home monthly, whether it needs it or not. Remind yourself every day: “It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure!”

The End Is Near Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads: "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells: "Leave people alone, your religious nutters. We don't need your lectures." From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says: "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

Three guys die and go to heaven The first one goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you enter heaven: were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another woman." St. Peter tells him: "See that Rolls Royce Sweptail over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers: "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me, and we worked it out." St. Peter tells him: "See that new Buick Luxury Car over there? That's your car to use in heaven". The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "OK, but you were basically a good guy, so that old three-wheel Reliant Robin car over there is yours to use while You’re in heaven." The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's Rolls Royce Sweptail parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar, and find #1 with empty bottles all around him, slumped with his face in his hands on the counter. They come up to him and #2 says: "Bud, what could possibly be so bad - you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce Sweptail, and everything is great!" He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 reply, "That's great! So, what's the problem?" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!"

A Comparison Of Early 21st Century Religious Theory Catholicism -- He who denies himself the most toys wins. Anglican -- They were our toys first. Greek Orthodox -- No, they were OURS first. Polytheism -- There are many toy makers. Evolutionism -- The toys made themselves. Baptist -- Once played, always played. Church of Christ Scientist -- We are the toys. Communism -- Everyone gets the same number of toys and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours. Amish -- Toys with batteries are surely a sin. Taoism -- The doll is as important as the dump truck. Hedonism -- To heck with the rulebook. Let’s play! Hinduism -- He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses. 7th Day Adventist -- He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses. Church of Christ -- He whose toys make music loses. Calvinist -- Once played, always played. Jehovah’s Witnesses -- He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins. Pentecostalism -- He whose toys can talk wins. Existentialism -- Toys are a figment of your imagination. Confucianism -- Once a toy is dipped in the water it is no longer dry. Non-denominationalism -- We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them. Atheism-- There is no toy maker. Agnosticism-- It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference. Branch Davidians -- He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins. Mormonism -- Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. Voodoo -- Let me borrow that doll for a second. Apathy -- Toys? Why do I need toys? Judaism -- I’m selling toys. You buying? Church of Scientology -- Toys ‘R’ Us. Pantheism -- The universe is one great big toy. Capitalism -- He who dies with the most toys wins. Hare Krishna -- He who plays with the most toys win.

40 Quotes Help You Stay Young at Heart There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless. – Milan Jundera If wrinkles must be written upon our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old. – James A. Garfield He who is of a calm and happy nature will hardly feel the pressure of age, but to him who is of an opposite disposition, youth and age are equally a burden. – Plato The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. – Frank Lloyd Wright Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. – Coco Chanel In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln Laughter is timeless. Imagination has no age. And dreams are forever. – Walt Disney Wrinkles merely mark where smiles have been. – Mark Twain We are always the same age inside. – Gertrude Stein Happiness in marriage is a moment by moment choice. A decision to love, forgive, grow and grow old together. – Fawn Weaver Growing old with someone else is beautiful, but growing old while being true to yourself is divine. – Dodinsky We don’t grow older, we grow riper. – Pablo Picasso You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair. – Douglas Macarthur Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. – Henry Ford I don’t believe in aging. I believe in forever altering one’s aspect to the sun. – Virginia Woolf None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. – Henry David Thoreau Know that you are the perfect age. Each year is special and precious, for you shall only live it once. Be comfortable with growing older. – Louise Hay I am not young enough to know everything. – J.M. Barrie Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional. – Walt Disney Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Satchel Paige Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old. – Franz Kafka It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. – E.E. Cummings Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again. – Eleanor Roosevelt Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. – Daniel Francois Esprit Auber As we grow old, the beauty steals inward. – Ralph Waldo Emerson We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. – George Bernard Shaw We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves. – May Lamberton Becker Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be. – Robert Browning How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? – Satchel Paige Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. – Unknown You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C.S. Lewis Strength and beauty are the blessings of youth; temperance, however, is the flower of old age. – Democritus To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. – Henri Bergson Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength. – Betty Friedan Some-day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. – C.S. Lewis Nothing makes a woman look so old as trying desperately hard to look young. – Coco Chanel As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others. – Audrey Hepburn The trick to aging gracefully is to enjoy it. – Unknown Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideas. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. – Samuel Ullman The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. – Max Lerner

Talking Dog A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!” “That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. “So, how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks. “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this, they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!” “READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So, he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited… “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!” “Dad,” the boy says, I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked: “Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing’ around with that cute little redhead next door?” The father says, “where is that damn dog, I am going to SHOOT him”. “I shot the dog already, Dad! I sure did”

Text on winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen up." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back: "Computer completely dead now."

Samsung Galaxy Fold: Broken screens delay launch Samsung has postponed the release of its folding smartphone, days after several early reviewers said the screens on their devices had broken. The company said it had delayed the launch of the Galaxy Fold to "fully evaluate the feedback and run further internal tests". In April, several early reviewers found the display on the Galaxy Fold broke after just a few days. Samsung has not said when the £1,800 ($1,980) device will go on sale. A new launch date will be announced in the "coming weeks". In a statement, Samsung said it suspected the damage experienced by some of the reviewers was caused by "impact on the top and bottom exposed areas of the hinge". It also said it found "substances" inside one of the review devices that may have affected its performance. Launch events due to take place in Hong Kong and Shanghai this week have also been postponed. The Galaxy Fold was due to be released in the United States on 26 April, and in the UK on 3 May. The South Korean tech giant has said it is investigating what went wrong with the broken review units. In some cases, reviewers had peeled off a layer of the screen's coating, mistaking it for a disposable screen protector. "We will also enhance the guidance on care and use of the display including the protective layer," Samsung said in a statement. The South Korean company has worked hard for the past two and a half years to win back consumer trust following its Galaxy Note 7 debacle. Millions of those devices had to be recalled due to reports of exploding batteries. Samsung previously said the Galaxy Fold had sold out on its website, but it declined to say how many phones had actually been sold. Chinese rivals Huawei and Xiaomi are also developing foldable smartphones, but neither company has announced a release date yet.

Gorillas Perfect Their Selfie Style Two gorillas have been snapped apparently mimicking human behaviour, in a remarkable selfie with a park ranger who helped rescue them as babies. The photo, taken by a worker at Virunga National Park in the Democratic Republic of Congo, swiftly went viral after being shared on Facebook. "Another day at the office..." Mathieu Shamavu wrote alongside the image, which has been shared more than 20,000 times. Female gorillas Ndakazi and Ndeze appear to be naturals in front of the camera; one stands proudly in a power pose with her feet wide apart, while the other leans forward to make it into the shot. "Those gorilla gals are always acting cheeky so this was the perfect shot of their true personalities," Virunga National Park wrote on Instagram. "Also, it's no surprise to see these girls on their two feet either -- most primates are comfortable walking upright (bipedalism) for short bursts of time," it added. The park, which stretches along the northeast region of the country, is home to 22 primate species, including three great apes. It's estimated that 1,000 mountain gorillas inhabit the site. More than 600 rangers work to safeguard wildlife at the park, a 3,000-square-mile site that has frequently seen violence and outbreaks of conflict. Several rangers have been killed there, and two Britons were kidnapped on the site last year.

How Dogs Are Like Men Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both mark their territory. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches. Neither does the dishes. Both farts shamelessly. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Divorced Barbie Doll One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir?’ ‘We have - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie and Skater Barbie, all of which cost $19.95 each and we also have Divorced Barbie, for $265.95’ The amazed father asks: ‘It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: 'Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends.'

A Sad Obituary in Scotland A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Gazette and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband ...' The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?' The old woman replies, '£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that Mrs, but write something and we'll see if it's ok.' So, the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter. The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Peterheid is deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer yer money.' The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Peterheid is deid. Ford Escort for sale.'

An American in Yorkshire Yorkshire farmer sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts, 'Ey up lad! Tha dunna be drinkin wata frm theer, it's full o horse urine an cow poo' The bloke says, 'Hey buddy, I'm American - can you speak slower and in English?' The farmer replies: 'If you use two hands you won't spill any'

The Tramp A tramp arrives in front of the parliament building and parks his bicycle. In no time a police officer arrives and says to him: ''You can't leave your bike here; you are in front of the parliament building. Here passes regularly the prime Minister, the ministers, and numerous political personalities.'' The drunk man looks at him from head to toes and replies: ''Don't worry officer, I'll lock it up.''

She can't tell 'em apart A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart. The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.