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Heart warming A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social worker raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social worker was finally satisfied and asked, "What age of child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter ...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

Super-Efficient Windows Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from company who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year; that these windows would pay for themselves in a year - It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back....

Famous Quotes about Dogs You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' -- Sean Connery If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. -- Will Rogers Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -- Sigmund Freud The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -- Anonymous Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late--breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -- Dave Barry Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -- Franklin P. Jones If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -- Unknown I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. -- Penny Ward Moser A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -- Joe Weinstein Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -- Ann Landers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -- Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -- Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -- Andrew A. Rooney Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -- James Thurber Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -- Robert A. Heinlein

The World's First Wristwatch With Built-in GPS 20 years ago, back at 1999 Casio announced the world's first wristwatch with a built-in Global Positioning System (GPS) at CES Las Vegas. The screen displayed a crude map of the position of the watch and had 10 hours of battery life during continuous use. The Casio Global Positioning System watch picked up transmissions from 27 GPS satellites developed by the United States. The actual product was released in June 1999 under the nickname Satellite Navi and was the top model of Casio's outdoor watch series, Protrek.

The parrot A lady, goes into a pet store and sees a large, beautiful parrot. She notices that the price tag was only fifty dollars. Puzzled, she asks the proprietor why such a beautiful bird was only fifty dollars. He replied that the bird used to live in a brothel and its language was rude, hence the low fifty-dollar price. The woman was so enamoured by the bird's beauty that she bought it and took it home. She put the cage on the table and uncovered it. The bird looks around and says, 'New house, new madam'. The woman thought the language wasn't so bad and she could live with that. Half an hour later her two daughters came in for a visit. The bird looked around and said. 'New house, new madam, new girls". The woman thought that was not too bad. Later that afternoon the woman's husband arrived home from work. The bird looks around, recognise the man from the brothel and says. 'Hi Bill’……

Maxine As we progress into 2019, I want to thank you for all your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore, because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Oh, and by the way...A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse………Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over six feet. out of the toilet.

Head over heels for you An incredible photograph shows the moment a remarkably acrobatic cheetah performs a somersault to catch a fleeing impala - dragging the fierce feline with it when in the Masai Mara National Reserve, in Kenya. A professional photographer, captured the airborne fight between predator and prey just seconds before the impala was caught by the large cat.

Sister Barbara Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming to you Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair win and paid 80 to 1."

Blonde Interview The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" The blonde quickly responded: "The living one."

Sports Car My mate said, "I like your sports car." I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby." He said, "How about I buy it off you." I said, "Yeah go on then. $4000?" He said, "You've got yourself a deal." I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

I love you, sweetheart A group of 12 women was at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? Who the heck is this? Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what? Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong? What now? Did you wreck the car again? I don't understand what you mean? What in the world did you do now? Are you sure this is for me? Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? Am I dreaming? If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, is the world ending? I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

He doesn’t went sell his sports car but with the new baby, it a problem. His mate thinks, he buying his car for $4000. But he in fact, he is selling his baby. So, he really loves his car and not ready to take responsibility for fatherhood, because that involves sacrifice (give up his sports car)

Chromosomes, a beginner's guide Chromosomes, a beginner's guide: XY = Male XX = Female YYY = Delilah XXXX = beer (YYY = Delilah. why why why Delilah is a Tom Jones song.) (XXXX (pronounced four-ex) is a brand of Australian beer.)

A Tribute To Beer Beer: the great equaliser. The almighty inspiration behind so many great works of art, literature, film, and one-night stands. It's no wonder that so many prominent voices have pontificated about the good drink throughout the ages. From Homer Simpson to Plato, here's a round-up of the best things ever said about the world's beloved beverage: Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health. -- Thomas Jefferson I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer. -- Abe Lincoln The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. -- William Butler Yeats Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world. -- Jack Nicholson I am sure of this, that if everybody was to drink their bottle a day, there would be not half the disorders in the world there are now. It would be a famous good thing for us all. -- Jane Austen Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. -- Anonymous Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway A meal of bread, cheese, and beer constitutes the perfect food. -- Queen Elizabeth I You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. – Anonymous Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. – Anonymous Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. -- Ross Levy Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. – Anonymous The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life. – Anonymous He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato I've only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror. -- Sid Vicious 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence. -- Stephen Wright In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria. – Anonymous When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven. -- Brian O'Rourke Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. -- Babe Ruth Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -- Homer Simpson Keep your libraries, your penal institutions, your insane asylums… give me beer. You think man needs rule; he needs beer. The world does not need morals, it needs beer… The souls of men have been fed with indigestible, but the soul could make use of beer. -- Henry Miller Not to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions. -- Anonymous I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan Beer's intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it. -- Ray Bradbury