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Becoming A Senior Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... " Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..." Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" Barb asked. "To get my teeth!" Replied Larry.

Amazon staff listen to customers' Alexa recordings Amazon, Apple and Google all employ staff who listen to customer voice recordings from their smart speakers and voice assistant apps. News site Bloomberg highlighted the topic after speaking to Amazon staff who "reviewed" Alexa recordings. All three companies say voice recordings are occasionally reviewed to improve speech recognition. But the reaction to the Bloomberg article suggests many customers are unaware that humans may be listening. The news site said it had spoken to seven people who reviewed audio from Amazon Echo smart speakers and the Alexa service. Reviewers typically transcribed and annotated voice clips to help improve Amazon's speech recognition systems. Amazon's voice recordings are associated with an account number, the customer's first name and the serial number of the Echo device used. Some of the reviewers told Bloomberg that they shared amusing voice clips with one another in an internal chat room. They also described hearing distressing clips such as a potential sexual assault. However, they were told by colleagues that it was not Amazon's job to intervene. It is not the first time Amazon has been found to be relying on human labour for its smart services. Earlier this year, the Intercept reported that the company’s Ring-branded smart doorbells provided their R&D team with “virtually unfettered access … to every video created by every Ring camera around the world”. Apple and Siri Apple also has human reviewers who make sure its voice assistant Siri is interpreting requests correctly. Siri records voice commands given through the iPhone and HomePod smart speaker. According to Apple's security policy, voice recordings lack personally identifiable information and are linked to a random ID number, which is reset every time Siri is switched off. Any voice recordings kept after six months are stored without the random ID number. Its human reviewers never receive personally identifiable information or the random ID. Google and Assistant Google said human reviewers could listen to audio clips from its Assistant, which is embedded in most Android phones and the Home speaker. It said clips were not associated with personally identifiable information and the company also distorted the audio to disguise the customer's voice. Smart speakers recording all my conversations A common fear is that smart speakers are secretly recording everything that is said in the home. While smart speakers are technically always "hearing", they are typically not "listening" to your conversations. All the major home assistants record and analyse short snippets of audio internally, in order to detect a wake word such as "Alexa", "Ok Google" or "Hey Siri". If the wake word is not heard, the audio is discarded. But if the wake word is detected, the audio is kept and recording continues so that the customer's request can be sent to the voice recognition service. It would be easy to detect if a speaker was continuously sending entire conversations back to a remote server for analysis, and security researchers have not found evidence to suggest this is happening. how to stop human reviewers listening to your voice clips Amazon's Alexa privacy settings do not let you opt out of voice recording or human review, but you can stop your recordings being used to "help develop new features". You can also listen to and delete previous voice recordings. Google lets you listen to and delete voice recordings on the My Activity page. You can also switch off "web and app history tracking" and "voice and audio activity", which Google Assistant pesters you to switch on. Apple does not let you listen back to Siri recordings. Its privacy portal, which lets you download a copy of your personal data, says it cannot provide information "that is not personally identifiable or linked to your Apple ID". To delete voice recordings created by Siri on an iOS device, go to the Siri & Search menu in Settings and switch Siri off. Then go to the Keyboard menu (found in the General section) and switch off Dictation.

A Dog's Life If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. - Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.......He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

The inventor of the Crossword recently died, they buried him: Six Down and Three Across

I impressed a history lecturer today with my knowledge of Galileo……I knew he was just a poor boy, from a poor family...

New Words for the Workplace Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Poacher killed by elephant then eaten by lions A suspected rhino poacher has been trampled on by an elephant then eaten by a pride of lions in Kruger National Park, South Africa. Accomplice poachers told the victim's family that he had been killed by an elephant on Tuesday. Relatives notified the park ranger. A search party struggled to find the body but eventually found a human skull and a pair of trousers on Thursday. "Entering Kruger National Park illegally and on foot is not wise, it holds many dangers and this incident is evidence of that," he warned. "It is very sad to see the daughters of the deceased mourning the loss of their father, and worse still, only being able to recover very little of his remains." Three individuals who joined the illegal hunt were arrested Wednesday by the South African Police Service, and officers continue to investigate what happened. The African rhino is targeted for its horn because of the belief among some who practice Eastern medicine that the horn has benefits as an aphrodisiac, making it more valuable than cocaine in parts of the world. Of special concern is the black rhino, which is considered critically endangered after its population tumbled from about 65,000 to 1970 to 2,400 in 1995, according to Kruger National Park. Conservation efforts have boosted their numbers, and the world's remaining 5,000 or so black rhinos live predominantly in South Africa, Namibia, Kenya and Zimbabwe. In 2016, there were between 349 and 465 black rhinos living at Kruger and between 6,600 and 7,800 white rhinos, who also suffer from poaching, South Africa's Department of Environmental Affairs said.

Cute Love Sayings A lot of people wonder how you know if you’re really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: “Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?” - Ronnie Shakes When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd. - Garrison Keillor Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. - Adrienne E. Gusoff In matters of the heart, the head is often fooled; in matters of the head, the heart is often overruled. - Mardy Grothe Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost I've only been in love twice in my life. The first time was with a man. The second time was with this Snickers bar I'm eating for breakfast. - Absinthe Fairie ‏@absinthe_fairie A woman can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones. - Cher Falling in love is the best drug there is. But they never tell you about the side effects. - Greg Tamblyn Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark! - Anonymous My favourite sense of touch is yours. - Poppy ‏@poppy_daydreams They say you’re in love when you want to spend all your time with someone. Apparently, I’m in love with my bed. - Mizgin ‏@OfficialMizGin Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it. - Albert Einstein Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. - Barbara Grizzuti Harrison In love as in sport, the amateur status must be strictly maintained. - Robert Graves Love is a sport in which the hunter must contrive to have the quarry in pursuit. - Alphonse Karr If men knew all that women think, they would be twenty times more audacious. - Alphonse Karr When a man is really in love, he can't help looking like a sheep. - Agatha Christie Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her. - Agatha Christie A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. - Brendan Behan Love is the soy sauce on the chop suey of life. - Wally Phillips Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. - Jules Renard Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses. - James Dewar Love is being stupid together. - Paul Valery Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don’t know each other. - Somerset Maugham Love is like the measles, all the worse when it comes late in life. - Douglass Jerrold Love is staying awake all night with a sick child. Or a very healthy adult. - David Frost Love is blind. I guess that’s why it proceeds by the sense of touch. - Morey Amsterdam Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charles M. Schulz When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. - Mark Twain If you love someone, set them free. Change addresses. Get a dog. And live happily ever after. - Ham on Wry ‏@HeyZeus666 Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play. - Willie Nelson You can tell how much I love you by the number of times I drive past your house in a day - bombsy ‏@bombsydoll What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. - Pearl Bailey A girl once broke up with me by saying: “My ex-boyfriend who I was in love with but wouldn’t marry me so I broke up with him, is now sick and possibly dying and wants me back, and I can’t say no.” I’m going to make that into a country song and get rich. - Greg Tamblyn True love doesn't have a happy ending: True love doesn't have an ending. - Anonymous

Major Decision A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she-knew what the ‘Rowe vs. Wade’ decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said: "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.” (Roe v. Wade was a landmark, 1973 US Supreme Court decision that established a woman's legal right to an abortion.)

Tribal Elder Wisdom Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in North Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne. 'What's in the bag?' asked the old man. Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said....’it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.' The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: 'Good trade….’

Embarrassing Robbery A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even kill me, but please untie the rope and let her free .” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Generosity A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer. He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly. 'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger, I had to share the room with?'

The Jones Brothers... There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother was single and the owner of a small dilapidated boat. It just happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat also sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother John said, 'Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible.' Joe said, 'Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.' 'What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle.' The Old Lady Fainted.

New Store Policy MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He’s at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. New store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well… where is he? MAN: He’s at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm… It’s warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Wedding Chaos The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister. The congregation was aghast, you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom's jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied: "We can't hear you in the back."