uk666

What do you call the child of parents from Iceland and Cuba……An ice cube.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died......Yeah, he pasta way.

I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance……so she pushed me!

Your lips are so chapped…..I can hear you smile.

What do you get if you cross the House of Commons with an OXO cube……A laughing stock.

Copyright Explained Copyright explained (if you have the patience to read it)! When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write. You can write good and copyright but copyright doesn't mean copy good - it might not be right good copy, right? Now, writers of religious services write rite, and thus have the right to copyright the rite they write. Conservatives write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric might write right rite, and have the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright would be right. Then it might be copy good copyright. Should Thom Wright decide to write, then Wright might write right rite, which Wright has a right to copyright. Copying that rite would copy Wright's right rite, and thus violate copyright, so Wright would have the legal right to right the wrong. Right? Legals write writs which is a right or not write writs right but all writs, copied or not, are writs that are copyright. Judges make writers write writs right. Advertisers write copy which is copyright the copy writer's company, not the right of the writer to copyright. But the copy written is copyrighted as written, right? Wrongfully copying a right writ, a right rite or copy is not right.

Lost Goat Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?" The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred kilometres an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

Headstone Humour Here Lies: Here lies Johnny Yeast pardon me for not rising. Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake stepped on the gas instead of the brake. Here lays Butch, we planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw. I was somebody. Who, is no business of yours. Here lies Lester Moore four slugs from a .44 no Les No More. Reader if cash thou art in want of any dig 4 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. On the 22nd of June – Jonathan Fiddle – Went out of tune. Gone away owin’ more than he could pay. In Memory of Beza Wood departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood enclosed in Wood one Wood Within another. The outer wood is very good: we cannot praise the other. Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with “R.E. Danforth’s Non-Explosive Burning Fluid” Born 1903 – Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. Remember man, as you walk by, as you are now, so once was I, as I am now, so shall you be, remember this and follow me. – To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I’ll not consent, until I know which way you went. Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. The children of Israel wanted bread and the Lord sent them manna, old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna. Here lies an Atheist all dressed up and no place to go. Here lies good old Fred A great big rock fell on his head. Here lies the miser John Skinner who died at noon to save a dinner. Here lies Dentist Brown filling his last cavity. Winston Churchill (1874-1965)…….who declares in his epithet: I am ready to meet my Maker, whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter!

Dividing up the souls On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...." It is said, the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Man rules, some old ones The Man rules at last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side....Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...These are all numbered "1” ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports or news, it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle... 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Ex wife One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Tom got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "Just for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied, “I wasn't."

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb ... 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy" 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three" 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a "FAQ" 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness Lecture......Talk about cutting it fine.

One of the boys in my English class has bought a Harry Potter replica wand.......I find this ironic, as he's dyslexic, and therefore can't spell.

I told myself I should stop drinking.......But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

Mike Expecting A Baby Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" asks Mike. "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "hold the lantern, Mikey, hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike: "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"