uk666

Right or Left A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach. Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down. The left wing meant: I will be busy tonight and won't be home. The right wing meant: In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms. One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, the other eight aeroplanes flew over, and each one of them turned its right wing down.

What did the alien say to the garden……Take me to your weeder.

Why should you never trust stairs……They’re always up to something.

What does a nosey pepper do……It gets jalapeño business.

What kind of key can’t open any doors……A turkey.

Why do ducks have feathers……To cover their butt quacks.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus……It was in tents.

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a cat ……A scaredy cat.

Why do cows go to New York……To see the moosicals.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What is a spaceman’s favourite chocolate……A marsbar!

A day from the diary of a BMW driver... This is an extract from the diary of a BMW driver. The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.) Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?) Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and cruising along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently, he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, THAT's the sort of respect you use to get when you drive a BMW, In 1980s, UK.

Train Wreck Hotel A man brought his wife along on a business trip to Chicago. They arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room. The man said, “Dear, I have a brief meeting to go to. Why don’t you rest here until I get back?” After the husband left the room, the wife lied down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passed by the window and shook the room so hard, she was thrown from the bed. Thinking this was a freak occurrence, she lied down once more. Again, a passing train shook the room so violently, she was thrown to the floor. Exasperated, she called the front desk and asked for the manager. The manager came right up but was sceptical of the wife’s story. “Look, lie here on the bed,” the wife directed. “You’ll be thrown right to the floor!” So, the manager laid down next to the wife. Without warning, the husband walked into the room. “What the hell is going on here?” he demanded in an angry tone. The manager meekly replied: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Talking Dog This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.” The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?” The owner replies: “He’s such a liar.”

Rules for Being Human The rules are a gentle reminder of both why we are here, and how to relax into the experience of being human rather than struggling and fighting against it. To sum it up, the list briefly explains that in life, no one is given a handbook. There is no definitive guide to show us the “right” road. It is up to us to seek out and recognise our opportunities to grow. If we want to evolve as a human we must learn from life’s lessons and remember that we are constantly learning, yet how we apply the knowledge we gain us up to everyone. The 10 rules contain wisdom that can help guide you through the process of personal development: You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. You will learn lessons. – You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. There are no mistakes, only lessons. – Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works". A lesson is repeated until learned. – A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. – There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. "There" is no better than "here". – When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here." Others are merely mirrors of you. – You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. What you make of your life is up to you. – You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. Your answers lie inside you. – The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. You will forget all this.

What is a parent’s favourite Christmas carol……Silent night!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high……She looked surprised.

What do you call a snowman in the desert……A puddle.

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park……That is wrong on so many levels.