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Parliament A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a toll way in Bangkok nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a ฿100 million ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. "Roughly 2 to 5 litres.

The Widow A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. “Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "my name is Katz?"

Catholic Golf A Catholic priest and a nun were enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said “Sh!t, I missed.” The good Sister told him to watch his language On his next swing, he missed again. “Sh!t, I missed.” “Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.” On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. “Sh!t, I missed.” A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice. “Sh!t, I missed.”

Black Panties‏ Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mum, I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Blue Mountains. Their first night there, she undresses ....as he does... there she stood nude except for a pair of Black Panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties? She replies: 'You can fondle me, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.' He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?' He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'

Scottish Pub Quiz "And the final question to win the £100 is: - "The title of Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That", what other two words complete the title? There was a long pause then…. A wee Glesga man stands up and says: Was it - "Ya B*stard"...?

Like A Virgin Maria had just gotten married, and being an old-style Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.' 'This is a job for Mama!'

Ten Classical Bumper Stickers I’m not driving fast-just flying low. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. I brake for… Wait… Aaah! No brakes!!!! If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer. If you can read this, please flip me back over. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done. I’m out of bed and driving, what more do you want? Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit. I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere.

Chemist A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives”. “you are an idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course, you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him, he's too scared to cough now!"

Chicken Farmer A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’ ‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ says the woman. ‘What a coincidence!’ says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence,’ says the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’ ‘That’s great!’ says the woman. ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different c*ck,’ he replied. The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’

Miracle Grow A husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook them out, he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear? ‘She replied 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

My Neighbour This is my neighbour She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... and I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

Arrested For Laughing A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat & he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him. In the court the Man’s defence was: “When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read ‘Coming Soon - The unknown boon’ I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s stick did the trick’.” “Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

The Gay Flight Attendant My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’ On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed woman hadn't moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’ She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’ To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you…Tray-up, bi*ch’

Man Of The House A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have you cremated”.

Miracle Rye Bread Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.” So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He asked, “Do you have any Rye bread?” She replied, “There’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “Oh yes, I will take 5 loaves.” She admonished, “My goodness! 5 loaves? By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be certainly hard.” He replied, “I can’t believe it. Everybody knows about this, but me.”

Why I’M Divorced And Unemployed Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’ I thought…. well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, ‘Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’ I said, ‘thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let’s go!’ We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’ I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’ He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’ After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’ ‘Ok.’ I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’. And I just sat there… on the couch……… Completely naked……

Favourite One-Liners... Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a surf, what colour does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.