uk666

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly......I'm not a fan.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.......But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better......So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

The wife's back on the warpath again.......She wanted to make a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her.......Only you........All the others kept me awake.

Charlie I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted. Where you off to Charlie? He said, I’m off to change a light bulb. Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. then I said. That’s gonna be a bit awkward init. Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you’re an insensitive b*stard.

Difference between boys and girls. Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So, Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse", she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too. His mother then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"

A Dog A dog responds to a job advert for work with the police. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Single black female SINGLE BLACK FEMALE, seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, car riding, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (11)885-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.... > > > > > > Scroll Down < < < < < < < < <

Bumper Stickers for College Students Hang up and drive. Your college sucks. You Off my planet! I is a college student. Boldly going nowhere. If you’re rich, I’m single. Eat right, exercise, die anyway. Ask me about my vow of silence. Forget the flag. Burn a politician. Warning! I brake for hallucinations. Give me coffee and no one gets hurt. If the music’s too loud you’re too old. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend. Earn cash in your spare time…Blackmail friends. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

Marrying Again At 80 The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Little Boy And The Doorbell A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles at the boy then ask, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"

Sully the service dog, accompanies George Bush for one last time Sully, a yellow Labrador service dog who worked with late former President George H.W. Bush, is accompanying his master one last time by traveling to Washington with Bush's casket. In a photo tweeted by Jim McGrath, Bush's spokesman, Sully can be seen sitting directly in front of Bush's casket at a Texas funeral home Monday morning. Sully can perform a two-page list of commands, including answering the phone and fetching items. "As one person said, he can do just about anything except make you a martini, but not to worry, he can go get you someone to make you a martini," McGrath said in June. He was trained by America's VetDogs and developed his own huge following on Instagram, @sullyhwbush. America's VetDogs is a charity that provides service dogs to veterans, active-duty service members and first responders with disabilities. Sully went to work with Bush this summer after former first lady Barbara Bush passed away earlier this year.

24 things you should know before you get married Tomorrow is not promised. Make every moment count. It doesn’t matter if the trash gets taken out today. My way is not the right or only way. Never go to bed angry. Keep the families outside of marital business. Create a united front against the children. Respect each other’s discipline techniques. Life is not a competition. There’s no reward for reaching the grave first. Two are better than one. Use your words to build up and never tear down. Close your mouth! Nagging will not get you the results you want. Marriage is not a power struggle. You’re on the same team. Laughter really is great medicine. Admit wrongdoing by taking responsibility for you actions Always try and tell the truth no matter how painful. Address issues head on. Don’t let them fester. It’s OK if the house is a mess (for a short time). Never try to put work before the family. Submission is not a sign of weakness. Just because your parents did it that way doesn’t mean it’s the right way. Every marriage is different. What works in your house may not work in mine. sex is not the only important part, but, it is an important part of marriage life. Never take your family for granted, talk, laugh, cry, and share quality time with loved one. Tell each other “I love you” every day. You may not get another chance. You will have chronic conflicts: Research exposes that all couples in long-term relationships will have 2-3 recurring conflicts that will go the distance in the relationship. This problem would be the same even if you were to find a new partner. So, learning how to process conflict well, and at times, agreeing to disagree is critical.

Things you'd love to say at work…… And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Do I look like a people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? You!... Off my planet! Does your train of thought have a caboose? Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Allow me to introduce my selves. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay check.

Jack Daniels Fishing Story I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Ferrari F1 The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Geordie youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Swalwell were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 3 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 4 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Geordie pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 3 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed, 6 Greggs pasties and some old photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

The Irish Prostitute The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff....Dad.... I became a prostitute..." "Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!" "OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the golf & country club... (takes a breath) ... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" Asks Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

life Story A guy was speaking at a seminar and on closing he said "the best times of my life have been with another man’s wife... and she is my mother" people laughed and applauded, one man who was there liked the joke and one morning said to his wife while she was making breakfast, "the best times of my life have been with another man’s wife".... But he forgot the rest and then woke up in hospital with scalding and burns all over his body. The moral of the story, don’t copy if you can’t paste.

Cow From Minsk The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Warsaw for 30,000 zlotys, or one from Minsk for 1,000 zlotys. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do. They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walk away to the other side." The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The Rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is also from Minsk."

Three Little Pigs One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said......'Holy Shit, a talking pig!' "

It's Good To Talk A husband and his wife agreed that any time they want to make love, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode. One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call. Mother replies, "Tell your father that the Network is bad today." Husband tells the son, "Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the public phone." Wife sent son back, "Tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I will open a call centre at home."

Josh lusted after Linda When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!" Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologising, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!" Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologising and gifts of flowers and jewellery, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?" Linda answered, "Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from AIDS, but fifty..."

Gorge A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Gorge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Gorge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Gorge, how was your day?" Gorge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Gorge. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Gorge, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

Pink knickers After a game of football, I was having a shower, I put on my frilly pink knickers with lace round the edges and then my semi-see through matching bra. My mate, look at me and said Blimey, ‘’how long have you been wearing that stuff?’’ I said, ‘’ever since the wife found them in my car.’’

Waiting for A Bus Kid to a very pregnant girl at bus stop: "What are you expecting?" The girl says, "A bus." The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer!"