uk666

Free Oranges A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters......But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee......The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

Frank A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger, "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died." "I'm married to his widow."

Find the #1 Song on you DOB Want to know what everyone was singing the day you were born (or even the approximate day you were conceived)?? Find it here: http://playback.fm/birthday-song?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003 Tell us what the song was, in the section below!

On Heat A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' Dad took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' The little girl said: 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she'll slam my head on the keyboard.......But I think she's only jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathn

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.......It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte......And then everything crashed.

Night On The Town Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have one last night on the town. After lots of drinks, one thing led to another and they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!' 'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?' 'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.' 'A witch??.... Why the hell would you say that?' 'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window......And, she took my teeth with her!!'

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times to get it working……...Well, I just tried it with the dishwasher and now she's pregnant.

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said " you remind me of my little toe "she said " is that because I'm small and cute " I replied " no with a bit of luck I'll end up banging you on the coffee table"

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.... A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Called 999 A call centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my God." Apparently, "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

A Prayer In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you. My dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson. My favourite blues singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor. And my favourite singer Whitney Houston. New, I just wanted you to know who my favourite politicians are....

My wife is such a bad cook......in my house we pray after the meal.

As a joke I thought I'd sign up one of my mates to a gay dating website……All was going well until the site came up with "E-mail address already in use".

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive......they would eventually find me attractive.

When wearing a bikini, women only reveal 90 % of their body......men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

What is 6.9……A really great thing ruined by a period.

My wife is a sex object......Every time I ask for sex......she objects.

Blonde Phone Call "Hi Mom, how are you?" "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware" "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call" "What happened?" "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head." "What on earth, why did you do that?" "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."