uk666

What Will It Do…... A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is "what will it do?" The answer is usually something like "zero to 60 in 5.3 seconds," or something along those lines. Well, here's the brand new 2018 Ferrari "488 Pista Spider" First, here's what it looks like: > And here is what it can do... > > > > > > > >

Who Enjoys Sex More…... A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...'' ''When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

Proficient With Handguns I have friends on both sides of the handgun issue, those who believe easy access to hand guns is not good for this country and those who believe government has no business dictating ownership one way or the other. I have gained valuable understanding from both arguments, and I have made my final decision. Certain Americans, especially those who are more likely to become victims of crime, need to own and become proficient with handguns! > > > > > > > I can't discuss this any further right now......It's my turn to pick up the shells.

Rules for Work 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Golf A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales," she said. He replied, "No kidding; so am I." "What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell sanitary napkins." He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper...... I'm still one Hole behind you."

Farmer's Weekly A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yes? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

Challenging Tasks Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

End Of Marriage The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" "What happened? I'll tell you what happened!" I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of the marriage, I arm leave!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation...” says mother-in-law, ''Rachel didn't receive your Email’’

The Haircut... A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when the could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' His father said: ''Yes, but did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?’’

The Mrs has just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers. . . On the front it says "I will do anything for love" . . . on the back it says "But I Won't Do That!

Dubai Police start training on flying motorbikes The flying motorbike is back in Dubai -- and you could see the police riding one in the not-too-distant future. A year after California-based startup Hoversurf showcased its hoverbike at tech expo GITEX in the white and green livery of the Dubai Police, the company has returned with a new model. Making good on a deal signed in 2017, Hoversurf has now gifted Dubai Police its first serial production unit of the S3 2019 (eVTOL) Hoverbike and has begun training officers to fly it. Brigadier Alrazooqi, of Dubai Police's, described the eVTOL vehicle as a first responder unit used to access hard to reach areas. He said he aims to have hoverbikes in action by 2020. "Currently we have two crews already training (to pilot the hoverbike) and we're increasing the number". Hoversurf chief operating officer Joseph Segura-Conn explained that ideal candidates will be able to ride a motorcycle and have drone operating experiences. Video of one officer learning to pilot the hoverbike appeared online last month. Segura-Conn said Dubai Police have exclusive rights to order as many units as they want, "They're going to let us know in the next month or two if they'd like any more ... If they would like 30 or 40, we'll make it happen for them." If you're not a member of the force and have a spare $150,000, the hoverbike could still be yours. Orders are open to civilians, but Segura-Conn cautions that buyers are screened to ensure they can handle the new tech. In the US, the hoverbike has met Federal Aviation Administration guidelines which mean you do not need a pilot's license to fly the vehicle. CNN Weight: 253 lbs Total thrust: 802 lbs Max speed: 60 mph Safe flying altitude: 16 ft Flight time with pilot: 10-25 minutes Flight time in drone mode: up to 40 minutes Charge time: 2.5 hours Price: $150,000

The Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: 'I stood like that for two days at the Smiths house and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

Escaping The Desert An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally, the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said: "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

Many Years Ago… Lucas Corporation Anyone who has owned an English car or motorbike (per 1990's) would understand these...Obviously the reference is to electrical systems made by the Lucas Corporation. The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark." Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they do still have a claim to "sudden, unexpected darkness." Lucas -- inventor of the self-dimming headlamp. Lucas -- inventor of the first intermittent wiper. The original anti-theft devices -- Lucas Electric products. Because the theft know, if he need to make a fast gateway, the car would breakdown. The three-position Lucas switch -- DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The actual three switch settings -- SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE. If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either. Did you hear about the Lucas torpedo? It sank. It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance. Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner, "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" He replied, "It doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens anyway!" Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck. Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer. Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas makes refrigerators, too. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the short circuit. Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

12 Grumpy Cats That Are Just Like - OK, Human, Whatever, What Next. There’s more than just one Grumpy Cat in the world, and here’s proof. It’s something about that face. That furry, feline face that just looks so disapproving about whatever their human is doing at that particular moment in time. Grumpy cats abound in the pet world, and we’re pretty happy about it. (And so are these cats, even if they don’t look like it.) 1. The old married couple, ’nuff said. 2. The fluffer with a perpetual case of the Mondays. 3. The cat who is watching you, always watching you. 4. The feline who just wanted to watch “Game of Thrones” in peace. 5. The cat who is so not into this new ‘do. 6. The furball whose patience is wearing thin, because how many times did he ask you to turn the light off 7. The grandpa who will stare you down until you give him his chair back 8. The cat who is really disappointed you didn’t adhere to the “no pictures, please” request. 9. This Cat Think he is Ross Geller from ‘Friends’ but he is not. 10. The cat who is ready for today (and every day) to just be over already. 11. The mom who is tired of all that racket. 12. The husband who hears the wife nagging… again.

Kaah They found about 200 dead crows near Branson, Mo and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. Missouri then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the reasons for the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say: "Cah", but none could say "Truck."

Old Marine Pilot An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?' He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes. I've taught more than 50000 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?" She said: ''I'm a lesbian.'' ''I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.'' ''As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.'' ''When I shower, I think about naked women.'' ''When I watch TV, I think about naked women.'' ''It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, ''I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.''

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice... In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Now That's Stressful... You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that’s stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you as a father to be. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful. So then…… you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you ponder about your 3 kids at home.

Hilarious Horse (and One Donkey) Shaming Photos Clearly these horses just couldn’t help their naughty behaviour, and these horse shaming photos let us all in on their secrets. When horses behave badly, their owners’ patience is tested. There are only so many times that a horse can destroy a new blanket, unlock a gate, roll in the biggest mud puddle, or get into trouble before you have to take desperate measures. And that means getting a sign, describing your horse’s naughty habits, and taking a photo to share with the world (also known as horse shaming). These horses get into all sorts of trouble, and their owners are making them own up to their crimes. You’re sure to laugh at some of these, and others will make you cringe for the poor horse owner. But just remind yourself – at least your horse isn’t as naughty as these 12! 1. Breaking the crossties… 2. So long, Rambo Cooler… 3. Taking the paint off the car… 4. Pooping in the automatic waterer… 5. Scared of the wind… 6. When eating an apple is hard… 7. Knocking over the wheelbarrow… 8. When the vet brings more treats… 9. Eating the blanket… 10. Competition shy… 11. When the dogs get involved… 12. When they want to stay in the pasture…