uk666

Bumper Stickers on Cars driven by Woman Born to shop. I brake for no reason. Wink.........I’ll do the rest! Why be difficult – be impossible. Men call us birds, we pick up worms. Sorry...I don’t date outside my species. All men are idiots….....I married their king. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad. I may be fat, but you’re ugly........I can lose weight!

Irish Road Accident Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ...' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you their sir?' More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

Little Johnny...mortgage Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year." Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving. Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too.'' ''And I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Curse At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What teamwork is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, ****head or ***hole. Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or ****head" is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach... 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

Ugly Child A middle-aged couple had two enchanting teenage daughters. However, a son was their heart and after trying for many months, the woman finally got pregnant. After nine months, a son was born. The father ran to the children's ward at the hospital to admire his son. He looked into the crib and was shocked by the ugliest child he had ever seen ...He hurried to his wife and said he could never be the father of such an ugly child "Look at our beautiful daughters," he said, while he stared at her and then remarked: "you didn't cheat on me, huh?" His wife just laughed and said, "No, not this time."

Marriage Definitions You Wished You Knew Before...... Marriage is – An event which is called “tying the knot” – unfortunately, the knot can be a noose. Marriage is – A word which always means commitment – but so does insanity. Marriage is – The joining of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them. Marriage is – The only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech. Marriage is – A status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure. Marriage is – A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting.

Latex Gloves A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" "Well," he bluffed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walk up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands’’ ‘’Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and screamed: "I just suddenly thought about how they must make Latex Condoms.’’

Kenny This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! - Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

The Church Vs. The Brothel Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business, either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and the church and an entire congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

Why Coca Cola failed in Saudi Arabia A salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola. Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place. "Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend. "The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "But no one told me they read from right to left!"

Kiss and Slap A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sits there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The general manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!"

The Argument Rages On…... There is an eternal argument between the genders. Which is more painful, having a baby, or being kicked in the nuts? There would seem to be a simple answer......having a baby. Let’s look at the reasoning: After having a baby, most women say that they would like to have another one. Have you ever heard a man say he's like to be kicked in the nuts again?

Password Two old guys talking in the bar about computers. One says to the other, ‘’just found a way round all this password rubbish.’’ ‘’What do you mean’’, says his mate He replied, ‘’I get the computer to tell me what my password is when I forget it.’’ ‘’How do you do that’’, asks his mate' He says, ‘’I just used the word 'incorrect' as a password! and I type in anything I feel like and it just tells me’’ ‘’your password is incorrect.’’

Stopped By Police At 2 Am An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Instant Divorce A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then one old cowboy named Bill from Oklahoma slowly raised hand and said: "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Bungee An avid "Bungee-jumper" goes on holiday to Morocco. There he sees a beautiful spire and decides to perform a jump. He goes to the market and buys the necessary things: 25 meters special rubber band, a carabiner, and a leather harness. That afternoon he jumps to a large audience. He jumps back up only 50 inches from the ground. The audience were thrilled. The next day the local sports superstar, Mohammed, nicknamed Momo, decides to try the jump and goes to the market to buy the same material. That afternoon Momo jumps of the spire and collapsed to death. The local police are investigating the case and contact the merchant in the market. One asks him what he has sold to Momo, the dealer replies: "He asks me for 25 meters of elastic, a carabiner and leather harness.’’ And he went on: ‘’Because Momo father is a good friend of family, I give Momo additionally 5-meter of elastic for free’’

The 20 Most Popular Dog Names of 2017 Rover’s annual dog name report is back! And it looks like people like human names for canines. Every year, Rover.com publishes a list of the 100 most popular names for male and female dogs from data gathered from pet sitters. This year, some popular favourites remain, with the top 10 not changing much from last year. The website also calculated some interesting facts, including that 44 percent of all dog names on the list are human names. This isn’t surprising considering Rover reports that 94 percent of Americans view dogs as family members. In fact, more than half of the top 10 names are trending in the top 100 baby names this year. Female powerhouses are also earning canine namesakes with Oprah, Madonna, and Ivanka filling the charts. Fictional Hollywood female characters are also coveted name choices, including Katniss from “The Hunger Games,” Atwood from Margaret Atwood’s novel-turned-TV-series “The Handmaid’s Tale,” and various “Wonder Woman”-themed names. Let’s not forget Barb and Eleven from “Stranger Things” or the many “Game of Thrones”-inspired monikers from current pop culture. To no further ado, here are the 20 most popular dog names of 2017, both female names and male: Top Dog Names 2017 Male Female 1. Max Bella 2. Charlie Lucy 3. Cooper Daisy 4. Buddy Luna 5. Jack Lola 6. Rocky Sadie 7. Bear Molly 8. Tucker Bailey 9. Oliver Maggie 10. Duke Sophie 11. Toby Chloe 12. Bentley Stella 13. Milo Lily 14. Teddy Penny 15. Leo Zoey 16. Winston Coco 17. Jax Roxy 18. Zeus Gracie 19. Louie Mia 20. Murphy Nala What is your dog name? Is your dog’s name on the list? Tell us in the below!

Crocodile Shoes A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free". The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature, and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, and than she shouts out......... " SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

Constant Craving A young man went to the doctors with an unusual problem. He told the doctor ‘’that he had recently got married and before that he had never had sex.’’ ‘’Now he couldn’t get enough and although his wife enjoyed it, she was getting worn down by his constant craving’’, he said ‘’he wanted sex six or eight times every night.’’ The doctor said ‘’it would pass in a short time and suggested that possibly he could take a mistress on a temporary basis till the craving subsided.’’ ‘’Oh, I have’’ said the young man, ‘’there is a young lady just down the road that I see on the way to work and on the way home, then the girls at work at lunch time and at morning and afternoon tea time. Then on weekends when I play golf there is a waitress at the club.’’ ‘’Good lord man’’ said the doctor ‘’you’re going to have to get a grip on yourself.’’ ‘’I do. I do Doc’’, said the man ‘’twice a night but even that doesn’t help.’’

Women's survey on size…... Women's response: 2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches - I've had bigger than it. 5 inches - good, but I wish a bit bigger. 6 inches - perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow! but can’t have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach. . . . This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.

Jehova's Witness I'm on the couch, watching TV when the doorbell rings. There a Jehovah's Witness at the door. "Come in and please sit down" I tell him. Would you like some coffee? " "Yes please" said the man, I went into the kitchen, made the coffee, and give the men this cup. Then I said "please tell me what you have to say," The Jehovah witness replies: "I have no idea, I've never got this far ...."

SMS A man received the following text from his neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I must confess. I have been using your wife, day, and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again." The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct! I meant "wifi", not "wife"

10 Places/Times Not to Get a Woody 10. With your wife, visiting her sister. 9. Golfing with the guys 8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend. 7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game. 6. Visiting a friend in the slammer. 5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation. 4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church. 3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time. 2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you. And the number one time never to get a woody is 1. When your best friend, on a guy’s night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"

My email password has been hacked........That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent.......It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.