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Vocabulary A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?” “What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked. “A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.” “Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs, he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?” “What’s extinguish?” she asked. “Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald “Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.” The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table. “Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress: “Take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”

Boloney A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!" "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiastic. "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"

Notes To The Rural Milkman Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one. Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round. When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress. Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights 'Sopranos' . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened. My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle. Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today? When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride……Holly Davidson.

What did the candle say to the other candle……I’m going out tonight.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other……Do you know how to drive this thing.

Someone told me that I should write a book. I said……That’s a novel concept.

How does a dog stop a video……He presses the paws button.

Patronizing Nurse Old Gus was in the hospital. There was one young nurse who just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning", or "Are we ready for a bath", or "Are we hungry?" Well, Gus had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. (You know where the juice went). The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, it seems we are a little cloudy today." At this, Old Gus snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying: "Well, I'll run through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted!

8-Iron One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron.

Common Words Puzzle See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common? Banana Dresser Grammar Potato Revive Uneven Assess Answer 1: Answer 2: Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Relationships are a lot like algebra……Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

What do you call a lonely cake……Deserted!

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine……Can’t wait to squeeze you.

Do you want to hear a construction joke……Sorry, I’m still working on it.

What is a snake’s favourite subject……Hiss-tory.