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Missing Wife A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife: Husband: I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Oh, 5 something. . Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes according to season. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: Did she go in a car? Husband: Yes. Sergeant: What kind of car was it? Husband: She a 2014 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark grey metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying... Sergeant: Don't worry sir.......We’ll find her.

A man was driving a car ... A very fat lady on a scooter overtook him. Man shouted: "Hey Buffalo……" Lady shouted back: "You are an idiot " Suddenly she had an accident, she was hit by a buffalo crossing the road.

Mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-law‏ A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other better seeing relations between them were very sour. Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law. Unfortunately, the bus the mothers-in-law were traveling in, was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot. The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss. Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are u crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?" She replied... "No, she missed the bus!"

Dr. Seuss' Lost Tongue Twister See if you can do this. Read each line aloud: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting from the top (1)... I bet you can't resist passing it on!

Who says we don't exercise We 'jump' to conclusions We 'throw' our weight around. We 'twist' the truth. We 'stretch' the lies. We 'bend' the rules. We 'push' our luck. We 'lift' our egos. We 'run' from tough situations. We are absolutely fit

A Total Golf Nut Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. And since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought, Ed added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Taxi Drivers A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Bangkok. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Ma," says the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replies. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Madam, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Ma?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers: "Yes". After a few minutes, the boy asks: "Ma, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She says: "Most of them become taxi drivers."

Never Presume A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression: "I presume". One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken." "Very good" said the teacher. Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start." "That’s excellent" says the teacher. Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that..." The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything." Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence." The teacher says, "Very well. Continue." "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read."

Distress at 18,000 feet An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, Mayday………The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off, he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!” The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”. He began his series of questions. Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”. Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”. Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down?” Aircraft: “Because the s*** in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”

The Beer Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, and lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.

The Christmas Party Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 1, 2018 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 2, 2018 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 3, 2018 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: November 4, 2018 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: November 5, 2018 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pr1cks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die all of you, The B*tch from H*ll!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: November 5, 2018 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Whatever! Joan

A Thought for the Day John worked at a meat distribution factory. One day, when he finished his work schedule, he went to the meat cold room (freezer) to inspect something but in a moment of bad luck, the door closed and he was locked inside with no help in sight. Although he screamed and knocked with all his might, his cries went unheard as no one could hear him. Most of the workers had already gone, and outside the cold room it's impossible to hear what was going on inside. A few hours later, whilst John was on the verge of death, the security guard of the factory eventually opened the door and saved him. John thanked the security guard and asked him what he came to do there as it wasn't a part of his work routine. The security guard replied: "I've been working in this factory for 35 years. Hundreds of workers come in and go out every day but you are one of the few who greets me in the morning and says goodbye to me every night while leaving after the working hours. Many treat me as if I am invisible. So today like every other day, you greeted me in your simple manner "Hello" at the entrance when resuming for work. But curiously after working hours today, I realized I'd not hear your "Goodbye, see you tomorrow". Hence I decided to check around the factory. I look forward to your greetings every day because to you, I am someone. By not hearing you farewell, I knew something had happened. Then I sought and found you!" Moral of the story: Be humble, love and respect those around you.

A Really Sad Story We all grow up with such great hopes and dreams. We face life’s challenges every day and we try to look everyone right in the eye. To install our sincerity in those we meet and converse with eye contact. And in return we expect the same courtesy. These are the reasons why this is such a sad story! Because this poor thing ......... . . . . . . . . SHE WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE EYE CONTACT NEVER EVER! SO VERY SAD!!!

Legs In The Air Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" ‘’If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

Elderly Sex An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her, and whispered: "Is that one word or two?"

Cross Selling Man starts a job in the local general dry goods store; they sold everything from sanitary products to garden equipment. "Now remember," the boss told him, "we don't get many customers in here, so we need to make the most of each." "How do you mean by that, boss?" "Well - say a fellow comes in here to buy a lawnmower. You sell him that, and then you say '...and would you like a shed to keep it in?" "Right. Understood. Cross-selling". Some hours pass before the first customer comes in "Box of tampons, please, mate" the gentleman requests. "Certainly, sir. And would sir like a lawnmower?" "Why would I want a lawnmower?" "Well, there'll be eff-all else to do this weekend"

Dead Hand Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $5000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh me, boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $5000 at a poker game, and he's afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "Right. I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

High Ecstasy Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. A little to the right. A little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead. Between her breasts. And, trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy. with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. Forward then backward. Again, and again. Her heart was pounding now. Her face was flushed. She moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted she let out a piercing scream. "OK, OK, you smug b*stard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

Nosy Buggers Two businessmen in the centre of Queensland, Australia, were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling." "You know these senior citizens are such nosy buggers." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well then... only two left."

Problem in 1st-Class A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy. The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy. Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.” The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."

Aussie Bee Sting Phone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ........What's the problem?" Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!" Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!" Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”

The Dental Appointment One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," replies the man. "Okay," says the dentist, "if I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvellous," says the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday."

Sex Statements When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop'......unless they are used together. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole. She was happy with the Thing. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and . . . . the wife doesn't ! Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't Whew, that's one terrific spread! I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. Talk about a huge breast! It's Cool Whip time! If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! Are you ready for seconds yet? Are you going to come again next time? It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? Just wait your turn, you'll get some! Don't play with your meat. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? I didn't expect everyone to come at once! You still have a little bit on your chin. Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it. How long will it take after you stick it in? You'll know it's ready when it pops up. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! Are you coming? That's the biggest one I've ever seen! Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

The Taxi Fare One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the car and slammed the door. Checking his rear-view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Vale Road," answered the woman. "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?" "Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked: "Got anything smaller?"