uk666

Dog Care A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat," agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?", she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied.

Brilliant Doubts – Unanswered If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? Why do people say, ‘you’ve been working like a dog’ when dogs just sit around all day? Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? What came first, the fruit or the colour orange? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Why is it called a ‘building’ when it is already built? Why is it called a TV set when there’s only one? If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? If it’s Zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be Twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Ballet dancers always dance on their toes, wouldn’t it be easier to just hire taller dancers? Why do scientists call it “re”search when looking for something new? If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of congress?

What is Politics…. The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many' and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism." I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them". ~Adlai Stevenson, vice president, campaign speech, 1952.. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981) We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office. ~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defence' by Irving Stone. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Jewish Grandmother Grandson phones his Jewish grandmother for directions to her new flat. She tells him, ''when you get to the main doors, press the intercom button for 301 with your elbow and I will buzz you in. Go to the lifts, press the up button with your elbow for the floor three. When you get to third floor, use your elbow to ring the doorbell on flat number 'one' and I'll let you in.’’ Grandson ask, ''got all that but why do I have to press all the buttons with my elbow?’’ Grandmother replies, ''you come to visit me for the very first time and you got empty hands have you....?'’

The Deaf Wife An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So, he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So, that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her." "Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response. So, he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So, he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "HONEY, what's for DINNER??". No response. So, he walks right up behind her and shouts: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!" His wife turns around and shouts: "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"

Damn good definitions..... ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend. CHIVALRY - A man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DANCE - A naval engagement without the loss of seamen. DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. ENEMA - A goose with a gush. EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush. FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labour day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden goose. GLAMOUR GIRL - A much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion. Upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. M*STURBATION - A solo played on a private organ. METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore. MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after father's day. DONKEY BARBECUE - Where everybody gets a piece of ass. NUN - A woman who aren’t never had none, don't want any, and aren’t going to get none. NURSE - A pan handler. NURSERY - A place to park last year’s fun until it grows up a bit. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork. RHUMBA - An asset to music. SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't. SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap. TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun. VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you. VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever. VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

The Golfing Accident Many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what’s your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks, I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very, very sexy and very persuasive .... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So, I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess".

PMS jokes are funny........Period.

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man.........A knife has a point.

What do a balloon and a man have in common.........One prick pretty much ruins them.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man........Visit the closest mental hospital.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart........Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Babies So, a little boy and his mummy are on an airplane. The little boy asks "Mommy, if mommy’s and daddies can make babies and mommy and daddy doggies can make puppies , then how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?" The mom says "I don’t know but go ask the pilot" The little boy goes to the pilot and ask him his question, and the pilot says: "Our Airplanes don’t make babies because we are Southwest Airlines and we always pull out on time!"

The Windows Password WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Breast-feeding on a Bus A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind. I was supposed to get off four stops ago."

Beer Through The Ages 8000 BC In the Middle East, hunter-gatherers learnt how to make beer from wild wheat and barley they found growing in the foothills. They started actively growing the grain for their beer – thus, according to some historians, inventing farming and civilisation! 4500 BC The first farmers, and, probably, the first brewers arrived in Britain from across the Channel. Although recognized as the first beer, the invention was still some way from the product we would identify today. 3000 BC In Egypt, the standard diet for the poor was beer, bread and onions. Beer was so important that model breweries were left in tombs for individuals to enjoy in the afterlife. Neolithic farmers in Orkney were brewing beer with ingredients that included henbane, hemlock and deadly nightshade, which, if they did not kill you, would certainly give you powerful hallucinations. 2400 BC In Sumeria (modern Iraq) drinkers consumed their beer through long reeds from a communal pot. In modern East Africa, drinkers still consumed home-made sorghum beer in just the same way. 2000 BC The Beaker People arrived in Britain, warriors for whom drinking was so important that their pottery beer mugs went into the grave when they were buried. Remains found on Orkney showed that the mugs had contained a beer-like drink including meadowsweet, hemlock, deadly nightshade and wheat. 320 BC The Greek explorer Pytheas of Massilia (modern Marseilles) came to Britain and found the natives making beer from grain and honey. Honey beers had previously been mixed with wheat, barley or herbs for a number of years, and this saw the creation of mead. 20 AD With the wine-drinking Romans just across the Channel, British tribes, in what is modern Essex now, used coins bearing an ear of barley, to symbolise the British drink beer. In contrast with rival pro-Roman tribes, who minted coins with a vine leaf on them. 43 AD The Romans arrived in force and conquered most of Britain. By around 100 AD at the latest Roman soldiers based in Britain were drinking beer, and a list of accounts from Vindolanda, a Roman fort in modern Northumbria, mentions “Atrectus the brewer”, the first named brewer in British history. 500 AD The Angles and Saxons started arriving in Britain to conquer and settle. Their social life revolved around beer halls and ale houses, and they recognised three main types of beer, “mild ale” (fresh and probably quite sweet), “clear ale” (probably older and sourer) and “Welsh ale” (probably made from wheat and honey). 822 AD Abbot Adalhard of the Benedictine monastery of Corbie, in Picardy, Northern France, made the first known mention of hops in connection with brewing beer. These were wild hops, gathered in the woods: over the next 300 years hops would be turned into a cultivated crop. 1188 AD Henry II introduced the so called ‘Saladin Tithe’ to pay for the Crusades – the first tax on beer. 1200 AD Most brewing in Britain was done by female “brewsters”, using their domestic pots and buckets and fitting the boiling, mashing and fermenting in around their other domestic tasks. Outside the cities, it was estimated, one peasant family in 25 brewed for sale. Ale was drunk for breakfast, lunch and supper, and many people thought drinking water was actively dangerous: the Abbess Hildegard of Bingen, in Germany, writing around 1150 AD, said: “Beer fattens the flesh and lends a beautiful colour to the face. Water, however, weakens a person.” 1350 AD On the Continent, hops had almost taken over completely as the flavouring in beer from gruit, a mixture of different herbs, depending on what was available locally. This included sweet gale or bog myrtle, Myrica gale, a moorland bush, and yarrow, Achillea millefolium, a grassland weed. The first known exports of hopped beer to Britain come to Great Yarmouth in 1361-62. At the end of the 14th century Great Yarmouth was importing 40 to 80 barrels of beer a month, while in 1397-8 Colchester imported 100 barrels of beer. 1410 AD Brewing of hopped beer, in contrast to unhopped ale, began in Britain. The beer brewers were generally immigrants from the Low Countries (modern Belgium and the Netherlands) and for the next 200 years or more beer was occasionally attacked as an alien drink not fit for ale-drinking Englishmen. However, at no point was hops ever banned in England. 1520 AD After relying on hops being imported from the Continent for more than a century, English beer brewers finally got a local supply when hop growing began in Kent, with hops imported by Flemish weavers. Hops were originally viewed with great suspicion and they also avoided taxes on spices levied by religious orders. By 1577 hop cultivation has reached Herefordshire. 1540 AD Henry VIII had two brewers to supply the royal household, one for ale and one for beer. At Hampton Court, his main residence, 600,000 gallons of ale and beer were consumed a year, more than 13,000 pints a day. The lowest officer of the household received four pints every evening; whilst Dukes got two gallons a day. The Tudor army ran on beer: in July 1544, during an English invasion of Picardy, the commander of Henry VIII’s forces complained that his army were so short of supplies they had no beer for 10 days. Adding that it was strange for ‘’English men to do with so little grudging.” 1570 AD By this time, there were 58 ale breweries in London and 32 beer breweries. Queen Elizabeth I was said to be greatly annoyed by the air pollution from them rising up through the palace windows! This period saw the rise of stronger ales and beers being brewed across the country. In June 1588 the Corporation of St Albans, in Hertfordshire, hauled 14 people before the mayor and charged them with brewing “extraordinary strong ale”, which they sold by retail “against all good law and order”. 1600 AD Most brewing was still done by inn and alehouse brewers or at home, especially in the country, where almost every farm and manor house brewed its own ale and beer. The rise in higher percentage drink was brought about due to the weather. This meant that between October and March brewers had to brew beers that would endure the summer months. In order to keep, these beers had to be high in strength (7-12%), high in hops (which acts as a preservative) and matured in large casks in dark stone cellars. These “old ales” were often kept for several years and given to friends. 1790 AD A brewer called Hodgson, from Bow, on the outskirts of London, close to where East Indian ships moored on the Thames, started to supply ships with lighter ale for long journeys as it lasted longer than darker ones. They won a monopoly on supplying India with beer, and Hodgson’s Pale Ale became famous. Eventually, by trying too hard to maintain his monopoly, in 1822 Hodgson prompted rival brewers from Burton upon Trent to enter the Indian market. It turned out the water in Burton was ideal for making pale beers, and the Burton brewers eventually dominated the market for what became known – but only after around 1835 – as India Pale Ale, or IPA. 1842 AD Inspired by English malting techniques, a brewer called Joseph Groll made the first pale lager in the town of Pilsen, Bohemia, the forerunner of all “pils” or “pilsener” beers. However, it took at least 50 years for the new pale lager style to start to outsell the original darker lagers. 1881 AD Almost forty years after the first pale lager was brewed in Pilsen in the Czech Republic, the lager beer style started to be brewed in Britain. The first purpose-built lager brewery in Britain, the Austro-Bavarian Brewery of Tottenham, in London, opened its doors. However, it did not last long, and for the next 80 years lager remained only a tiny percentage of beer sales in Britain. 1914 AD The First World War brought in draconian restrictions on the brewing industry, with the strength of beer reduced dramatically and tax levels increased enormously. After the war, high taxes remained in place, and beer strength never recovered to its former levels. 1917 AD Maximum prices were introduced on the price of beer and alcohol strengths were lowered to help with the war effort. 1925 AD Bottled beers began to gain popularity, including new styles such as brown ale (frequently mixed with draught mild ale) and milk stout. 1933 AD British brewers were encouraged to cut the price of beer, increase the strength, increase output and use more home-grown barley, by the Government, in return for a 35% fall in beer duty. 1960 AD Mild ale finally started to decline in popularity. Its place was taken by a rise in sales of bitter, especially in the form of “keg” bitter, described as “bottled ale in a barrel”. It was pasteurised and served up under carbon dioxide pressure. They were easier to keep than cask beers and become ubiquitous. By 1970, 90% of British pubs were serving only keg beers. Lager at this point was only two per cent of the British market. 1980 AD Britain’s taste for lager got a second wind. Sales of UK-brewed and imported lagers surged, becoming the country’s biggest selling style of beer by 1989. Lager accounted for around 75% of beer consumption. 2002 AD The Progressive Beer Duty introduced by Gordon Brown, taxed smaller breweries at a lower rate than the bigger breweries that dominated the market. Small breweries’ relief was introduced in 2002 and then expanded in 2004. This offered a reduced rate of duty to brewers producing less than 60,000 HL annually. Alongside other factors this led to an increase in the number of breweries, reaching 800 by 2010. As well as microbreweries becoming increasingly popular throughout the country, growing at a rate of about 50 per year. 2007 AD The smoking ban, making it illegal to smoke in all enclosed work places in England, came into force on 1 July 2007 as a consequence of the Health Act 2006. There’s no doubt that the smoking ban hit many pubs hard, coinciding with a major recession and huge rises in the tax on beer, the ban contributed to pub closures in many areas. Traditional, ‘wet-led’ pubs that relied heavily on drinks’ sales, and perhaps didn’t have the site or opportunity to create a successful food led business, were the worst affected. 2008 AD Chancellor Alastair Darling introduced the beer duty escalator. This saw the price of a pint rise 2% above inflation every year. By 2013, this was seen as a 42% tax hike, and almost 10 times the amount that European counterparts paid. It received wide spread criticism due to being deemed unfair on pubs, especially after the smoking ban and economic recession, which many said led to thousands of pubs having to close their doors. 2013 AD After heavy lobbying the beer duty escalator, established in 2008, was abolished. The chancellor cancelled the 3% escalator and also cut duty by 1%, in what was to be the first of many cuts to beer duty aimed at getting people back into pubs. 7 out of 10 alcoholic drinks drunk in pubs at this point were beer, all other alcoholic tax duties were kept the same. 2015 AD Chancellor George Osbourne cut beer duty by 1p, the third budget in a row in which beer duty was cut, making beer 10p cheaper than it would have been under the beer duty escalator. This reflected in rising beer sales for the first time in a decade and beer price increases in pubs at their lowest since the 1980’s. 2017 AD In the March budget statement of 2017, Chancellor Philip Hammond announced that the government would be sticking with previously planned upratings of duties on alcohol, meaning a 3.9% increase that equated to almost £130 million on beer. However, also introduced was specific help for pubs with a rate relief. £1,000 off rates for all pubs with a rateable value less than £100,000 was brought in to ease those struggling with the tax hike.

Cold Hands Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

An economist went to a lingerie shop... An economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the salesgirl that he is an economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase. The smart salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?" Of course, our economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?" Salesgirl: "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."...

75th Wedding Anniversary An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honour of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me, did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" he asks. Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You."

Three Shelves A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Rancher Tom The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon... About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again... 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Screwing It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Men’s' Room Behaviour You may expect to find one or more of the following behaviours in a men's room at any time. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is hung. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink. Depending on the venue, may be met with complaint of "Oh maaaan!" from others. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent, knows man at next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants. TOUGH: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. EFFICIENT: Wait until he has to shit, then does both. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot urinal, pisses in shoe. LITTLE: Stands on box. DRUNK: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away. CONCEITED: holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

The Naked Truth According to a 19th century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: "It's a marvellous day today"! The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful. They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: "The water is very nice, let's take a bath together!" The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage. The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein, its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbours no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.

How are men like parking spaces........All the good ones are taken, and the ones leftover are disabled.