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What type of waves are there in very small beaches……Microwaves!

Can a leopard hide anywhere…….No, he is always spotted!

Can you name a bear with no socks……..A bare-foot!

Why did the tomato lose the race……Because he needed to ketchup

German King Tiger Tank Two American soldiers inspect a destroyed German King Tiger tank, Belgium, 1944. Two American soldiers inspecting a destroyed German King Tiger tank and at the same time admiring the three beautiful passing girls. Photo taken near the village of Corenne, Belgium, 1944. The tank in the photo is Tiger II number 312, of the 3rd company 501 SS schwere Panzer Abteilung and 82nd Airborne Division troops. Most likely this tank ran out of gas. Most of the time during the Battle of the Bulge, the ever-thirsty King Tigers were either stuck in traffic on the narrow winding roads or desperately looking for American petrol dumps that hadn’t been blown up before they got there. Or there could have been a bridge. All the tanks that didn’t break (or run out of fuel) got stopped by the first bridge they came to. Tiger II weighed 70 tons. The next heaviest allied tank was 46 tons. Proper bridges where no problem for the Tiger, but smaller bridges could be a problem if the river banks where too steep for it to be forded with snorkel. One of the most feared weapons of World War II, the King Tiger tank donned an almost impenetrable front armor. Produced by Henschel, the King Tiger was introduced into action on the Eastern Front in May of 1944. The final official German designation was Panzerkampfwagen Tiger Ausf. B, often shortened to Tiger B. It is also known under the informal name Königstiger (the German name for the “Bengal tiger”), often semi-literally translated as the King Tiger or Royal Tiger by Allied soldiers. The Tiger II was developed late in the war and built in relatively small numbers – 1,500 Tiger IIs were ordered, but production was severely disrupted by Allied bombing. Among others, five raids between 22 September and 7 October 1944 destroyed 95 percent of the floor area of the Henschel plant. It is estimated that this caused the loss in production of some 657 Tiger IIs. Only 492 units were produced: 1 in 1943, 379 in 1944, and 112 in 1945. The tank design housed a crew of five. The main gun specification of the King Tiger was to be a variation of the 88mm (3.46 Inches) anti-aircraft gun, capable of destroying enemy tanks from a great distance. The velocity of this gun was about 1,000 m (3281 ft) a second when firing an amour piercing round. The gun’s accuracy allowed it to pierce 150mm (6 inches) of metal armour even if the tank’s position was more than 2 kilometres (1.24 miles) away from the intended target. The shell’s ability to travel at about 2,200m (7218 ft) in an estimated 2.2 seconds (and sometimes even faster) meant this tank had the capability to destroy enemy tanks from a distance, keeping the Tiger out of enemy range. The King Tiger Tank was not without its problems. Underpowered like many of the World War II heavy tanks, the engines consumed a lot of fuel at a time when it was in short supply for the Germans. The fuel consumption problem was exacerbated at the Battle of the Bulge. Here, the Tigers first appeared to do quite well, but subsequently, they literally ran out of fuel. Soldiers were forced to abandon their tanks and walk back to their lines.

What Women Want in a Man (by age) What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22) Handsome Charming Financially successful A caring listener Witty In good shape Dresses with style Appreciates finer things Full of thoughtful surprises An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) Nice looking--prefer hair on his head Opens car doors, holds chairs Has enough money for a nice dinner Listens more than talks Laughs at my jokes Carries bags of groceries with ease Owns at least one tie Appreciates a good home-cooked meal Remembers anniversaries Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) Not too ugly--bald head OK Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car Works steady--splurges on dinner at Denny's on occasion Nods head when I'm talking Usually remembers punch lines of jokes Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture Wears a shirt that covers his stomach Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids Remembers to put the toilet seat down Shaves on most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed Doesn't belch or scratch in public Doesn't borrow money too often Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear Appreciates a good TV dinner Remembers your name on occasion Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep) Remembers why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears some clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers that it is a weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) Breathing

Internet Acronyms... Youngsters of today have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.). Not to be outdone by these kids, now the oldies too have developed their own codes: ATD - At the Doctor's. BFF - Best Friend's Funeral. BTW - Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT - Bring your own teeth. FWIW - Forgot Where I Was. GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low. GHA - Got Heartburn Again. TFT - Texting From Toilet. ASAP - As Slow As Possible. GGLKI Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In Hope these help...

Out the 6 children, it bothered that 1 child did not look like the other 5. He asks her, who is the father of that 1 dissimilar child. She said it was him. So, he was not the father of the other 5 child.

You Know You're an Idiot When You Know You're an Idiot When... You put lipstick on the forehead because you wanted to makeup your mind. You get stabbed in a shoot-out. You send a fax with a stamp on it. You're on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!" You try to drown a fish. Someone gives you a penny for your intelligence, and you have to give them change. You think socialism means partying. You trip over a cordless phone. You take a ruler to bed to see how long you slept. At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" you put "Sagittarius." You take 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. You study for a blood test and fail. Invent a solar powered flashlight. You sell the car for gas money. You heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, you move. You miss the 44 bus, and take the 22 twice instead. You take someone to the airport, see a sign that says, "Airport left", and then turn around and go home. You get locked in Furniture Shop and sleep on the floor. Try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

How Many Students It Take to Change a Lightbulb How Many Students Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb At: Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill. Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience. Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity. Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure. Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it. Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest. Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark. Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that naked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch. Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation. Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. Stanford: One, dude. Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one. Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students. Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket. Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do. Amherst: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student. Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it. Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress. Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework. Colgate: Fourteen--one to change the bulb and a 13-person a capella group to immortalize the event in song. Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that. Sewanee: Seven--the five-person Honor Council to decide if it is against the Honor Code to change lightbulbs, one to find a reference in Faulkner to lightbulb changing, and one to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased bulb. Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out. Virginia: Three--one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson. Kenyon: Two--one to change the bulb and one to claim that Paul Newman touched the bulb. Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in. Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time. Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford get press for changing their lightbulbs. Marymount University: 24 (the whole graduating class)--one to run across the street to Fordham to borrow a lightbulb, one to actually do the deed, and 22 others to write poetry about it.

Where do you find tall teachers.........In a high school!

When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage.........It is love When a man holds a woman’s hand after marriage........It is self-defences

what do you catch when you go ice fishing..........A cold

what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall.........Damn

Where do fish keep money........In a river bank

Happily Ever After Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So, it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said 'That's once.' "We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead. "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.....'."

Old Men Two old men are sitting on their favourite park bench. They meet in the park to talk and gossip almost every other day. One says, "So, how's your wife?" The other man replies, "I think she's dead." "You THINK she's dead?" "Well, the sex is about the same but the dishes are piling up."

Why Motorcycles are Better Than Women Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Smile awhile... Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Velcro: what a rip off! Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb......ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners......So men can understand them.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating.......To stop the snoring before it starts.

Men are like.....Vacations.......They never seem to be long enough.

Why do witches hysterically laugh whenever they fly with their brooms.......They don't wear underwear.......So the brooms tickle them.

How old is your hearing? As we get older our ability to hear high pitched sounds decreases. The younger you are the higher the frequency you can hear. Take this test to find out if your hearing is older or younger than you are! https://www.echalk.co.uk/Science/biology/hearing/HowOldIsYourHearing/resource.html So, how older or younger are you?