uk666

Romantic Gesture So, a chap decided to make a romantic gesture to his girlfriend, and bought her a nice bunch of flowers. As he had hoped, she was quite overcome by the thoughtfulness and romance of the gesture, and lay invitingly on the bed "This is for the flowers" she said. "Don't be daft, you must have a vase somewhere"

Home For Lunch Two women visiting an art exhibition were staring intently at a painting entitled “Home for Lunch”. The painting was of three naked black men sitting on a park bench. What puzzled the women was that the men on either end of the bench had black male genitalia, but the man in the middle had pink male genitalia. Just then the artist happened to walk by, so the women decided to ask him for an explanation. “We don’t quite understand the painting of the black men on the bench,” they said. “Why does the man in the middle have pink male genitalia?” “Oh, dear!” Laughed the artist. “I’m afraid you have misinterpreted the picture. You see, the three men are not African Americans, they’re coal miners, and the man in the middle went ‘Home for Lunch’.”

Bright Women To all of you Bright Women I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton- You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong- I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr- I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinhem- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli- Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck. -Linda Ellerbee- I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

When I Was a KID... PUSSY.............Meant a CAT SEX..................Meant GENDER BITCH..............Was a FEMALE DOG D*CK...............Was a NAME of a cartoon film BANG...............Was a SOUND NUTS...............Were FRUITS RUBBER..........Was Nothing But an ERASER C*CK...............Was a MALE BIRD SCREW............Was Just a FIXING TOOL HEAD...............Meant a BODY PART BALLS..............Meant a ROUND TOY LUBRICANT.....Was OIL ORAL...............Meant Poetry RECITATION 69....................Was a NUMBER

Did you hear the one about the jump rope and the lollipop…...Skip it. It sucks.

Men are like.....Government bonds……They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Coffee……The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Helping Hand Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long male genitalia. “How do your account for this?” he asked the brothers. “It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brother. “I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated male genitalia?” “No, sir, our mother.” “Your mother?” said the doctor. “Don’t be so ridiculous! Women don’t have male genitalia!” “I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

Too Expensive A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have… The husband says, “No chance love, They’re too expensive!” Later on, that night in bed, the wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips…. She turns to him and says, “No chance love, if you aren’t prepared to shoe the horse, then you aren’t riding it!!”

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that, for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, hope back into the sleigh, and get to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload -- not counting the weight of Santa, which is reported to be fairly impressive -- to 600,000 tons. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right away, and just before the sleigh, presents, and Santa followed. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's probably dead now.

Famous Last Words Voltaire on his deathbed, the bedside priest asking him to renounce Satan: “Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.” Oscar Wilde on his deathbed in a cheap boarding house: "I am in a duel to the death with this wallpaper. One of us has to go." Murderer James French before his death by electric chair: "How's this for a headline? 'French Fries'." Cannibal-serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer whilst being murdered in prison: “I used to eat guys like you for breakfast!” Convicted murderer James W. Rodgers' (before a firing squad): "I done told you my last request ... a bulletproof vest." The murderer William Palmer, looking at the trapdoor on the gallows: "Are you sure it's safe?" Dmitry Bogrov, Russian assassin, positioning his head in the noose: "Should I lift my head a bit?" General John Sedgewick: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist ... ." Terry Kath, rock musician, cleaning a gun: "Don't worry ... it's not loaded ... ." Glenn Miller, last known words before boarding the fatal plane: " Where the hell are the parachutes?" Bob Hope, asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried: "Surprise me". Groucho Marx: "Die my dear, why that's the last thing I'll do." Peter the Great: "Leave all to ... ." Ronald Reagan to his doctors in the emergency room, after being shot by John Hinckley, Jr.: "I hope you're all Republicans."

It’s So Cold I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Montana, near the Canadian border. ‘’He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.’’ ‘’The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare...’’ ‘’He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in."

Golf Panties.... The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"! Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb ..... Tidy yerself up a bit''

A To Z Of Ex-Boyfriends A is for ASSHOLE. You know, that word I shout at him as I drive by. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I can't think of two better losers to get off the streets. C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before. C is also for competing. "I feel worse than you do, you can shovel the walk." D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. God, does he always have to know what the bottom of the bowl looks like? F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it is, that's why it's on the list. F is for forgetting my birthday. You jerk. G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also who wears perfume like mine. H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am. I stands for ignorant. Slobbering jerk. J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight, because I won't do it for him. K stands for kiss. Something he can't do without slobbering down his tongue and on my face. L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists somewhere in fantasy land. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates. N stands for No. A word he never seems to understand. O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?" P is for pee. What he does out in public in the front yard because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom. Q is for quote. "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote. (See F and O) R is for reminding. Because I have to remind him of all holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget about. S is also or sex. Something he won't get later because I remember the previous S. T is for torture. Where do I start? U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that f*cking a*shole is an understatement. V is for vermin. --Most of his family. W stands for whine. Need I say more. X is for ex. The one he never shuts up about. Y stands for younger. And wishing he was. Z (I know where z is) Z stands for zip. That's what I got from him.

Why you should never tell a joke on ice. while fishing.......The ice will crack up!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano........You can’t tuna fish.

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common........They were all born on holidays.

Men are like . . . High Heels……They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like . . . Bananas…….The older they get, the less firm they are.