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Blondes on a Plane A blonde gets to fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sorts of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard. And all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

skiers Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Three Pilots There was a Mexican, an American and a Japanese pilot. They were taking turns flying over each of their countries. so, they were flying over Japan and the Japanese guy drops an orange on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said "Because I love my country and oranges signifies courage, happiness, love, and good health!" So, they went on to America and the American drops an apple on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said " Because I love my country and majority of Americans own at least one Apple product " So, they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said " Because I hate my country, we have high crime rates, high unemployment and poverty" They all return to their respective countries. The Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said what’s the matter and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit me in the head. Then the American was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit him in the head. Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and kid said "I farted and the building behind me exploded".

Bedroom Golf The Rules of Bedroom Golf: Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole. Players are strongly advised to get the owner’s permission before attempting to play the backside. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Where do fish sleep.......In a river bed

Men are like . . . Coffee……The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night long.

A skeleton comes to the doctor……Doctor: You are pretty late!

What do rocks and women have in common……..You skip the flat ones!

Life with a woman is like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love one, you need a diamond to marry one, you need club to beat her, and a spade to bury the her!

Mary’s funeral Mary is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 9 children. Soon there after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 12 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Boob Size Grades Ever wonder why bra sizes are lettered from A to G and beyond? Here is a user definition for those who don't know: A ---> Almost Boobs. B ---> Barely There. C ---> Can't Complain. D ---> Damn. DD -> Double Damn. E ---> Enormous. F ---> Fake. G ---> Get A Reduction.

25 Actual Slogans from Women's T-Shirts Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. And your point is... I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. You know you want me. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? Do not start with me. You will not win. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

Men are like.....Cement......After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Blenders.......You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Weather.......Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.......Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like......Bananas.......The older they get, the less firm they are.

Who knows? Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for many years, without success. "Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don’t think you love me." "Why do you think that?" he asks. "Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for." "Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head." "I know your views," says Sarah, "but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?" "I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht." "So, what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah. "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."

Blonde Stewardess An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" The captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

V-J Day kiss in Times Square Original caption: “In New York’s Times Square a white-clad girl clutches her purse and skirt as an uninhibited sailor plants his lips squarely on hers”. Photo by Alfred Eisenstaedt. 1945. After four years of blackout, all the lights in Time Square went on as Mayor LaGuardia announced the Japanese surrender. In a celebration mirrored around the world, the New Yorkers took to the Square to celebrate a new era of peace, and hope, the image of which was captured on Alfred Eisenstaedt’s picture of an unknown couple kissing. The picture portrays a U.S. Navy sailor grabbing and kissing a stranger—a woman in a white dress—on Victory over Japan Day (“V-J Day”) in New York City’s Times Square on August 14, 1945. The photograph was published a week later in Life magazine, among many photographs of celebrations around the United States that were presented in a twelve-page section titled “Victory Celebrations”. Soon It became a cultural icon. In two different books he wrote, Alfred Eisenstaedt gave two slightly different accounts of taking the photograph and of its nature. From Eisenstaedt on Eisenstaedt: “In Times Square on V.J. Day I saw a sailor running along the street grabbing any and every girl in sight. Whether she was a grandmother, stout, thin, old, didn’t make a difference. I was running ahead of him with my Leica looking back over my shoulder but none of the pictures that were possible pleased me. Then suddenly, in a flash, I saw something white being grabbed. I turned around and clicked the moment the sailor kissed the nurse. If she had been dressed in a dark dress, I would never have taken the picture. If the sailor had worn a white uniform, the same. I took exactly four pictures. It was done within a few seconds. Only one is right, on account of the balance. In the others the emphasis is wrong — the sailor on the left side is either too small or too tall. People tell me that when I am in heaven, they will remember this picture”. From The Eye of Eisenstaedt: “I was walking through the crowds on V-J Day, looking for pictures. I noticed a sailor coming my way. He was grabbing every female he could find and kissing them all — young girls and old ladies alike. Then I noticed the nurse, standing in that enormous crowd. I focused on her, and just as I’d hoped, the sailor came along, grabbed the nurse, and bent down to kiss her. Now if this girl hadn’t been a nurse, if she’d been dressed dark clothes, I wouldn’t have had a picture. The contrast between her white dress and the sailor’s dark uniform gives the photograph its extra impact”. U.S. Navy photo journalist Victor Jorgensen captured another view of the same scene, which was published in the New York Times the following day. Jorgensen titled his photograph Kissing the War Goodbye. Unlike the Eisenstaedt photograph, which is protected by copyright, this Navy photograph is in the public domain as it was produced by a federal government employee on official duty. Decades later the unknown couple was identified as the American sailor George Mendonsa and nurse Greta Zimmer Friedman. Greta Friedman was 21 years old on August 14, 1945. After reporting to work at a dentist’s office, she heard the news: Japan had surrendered, and World War II was coming to an end. She wandered into Times Square when a passing sailor locked her in an unexpected embrace. “I did not see him approaching, and before I know it I was in this vice grip,” she told CBS news in a 2012 interview. “It wasn’t my choice to be kissed. The guy just came over and grabbed. That man was very strong. I wasn’t kissing him. He was kissing me”. The kisser was the 22-year-old George Mendonsa of Newport, Rhode Island. He was on leave from the USS The Sullivans (DD-537) and was watching a movie with his future wife, Rita, at Radio City Music Hall when the doors opened and people started screaming the war was over. George and Rita joined the partying on the street, but when they could not get into the packed bars decided to walk down the street. It was then that George saw a woman in a white dress walk by and took her into his arms and kissed her, “I had quite a few drinks that day and I considered her one of the troops—she was a nurse”. Friedman died at age 92 on September 8, 2016, in Richmond, Virginia. She is buried beside her husband, infantryman Mischa Elliott Friedman, at Arlington National Cemetery.

13 of the Worst (Best) Chicken Puns You’ve Ever Heard The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances, the police suspect fowl play. Ever hear the one about the egg who got laid? I have no idea how to raise chickens, I think I’ll just wing it. The thief finally ran afowl of the law. I hate winter, I always feel so cooped up. I ate an omelette for breakfast but I’m still feeling peckish. The owner of the fair’s winning rooster was sure cocky. Who’s in the mood for a chick flick? Quit complaining and suck it up, I can’t listen to anymore of your squawking. Those two are constantly egging each other on. Shush! I’m hatching a plan, says the pet chicken heading home to roost. Ignore him, he’s the guy who likes to ruffle everyone’s feathers. I’m feeling old, guess I’m no spring chicken. Yep. They were exactly as bad as you thought they’d be. Do you know some funny chicken puns? Give us some below!

10 Remorseless Poisoners That History Almost Forgot 1. Antoine Desrues - The Ghastly Grocer Although barely remembered today, the name Antoine Desrues (sometimes Derues) gained plenty of infamy in mid-18th century Paris as a cause celebre. Mr. and Mrs. de Lamotte were looking to sell their estate at Buisson-Souef and move to Paris to secure their son a position at the king’s court. When they first met Desrues, he introduced himself as interested buyer Mr. Desrues de Cyrano de Bury, lord of Candeville. His wife was supposedly part of the distinguished Nicolai family and was just about to receive a lavish 250,000 livres inheritance. In truth, Desrues was a penniless grocer already heavily in debt. However, he was convincing as an aristocrat and the de Lamottes were easily swayed by his charm. Even after Desrues missed his first payment, he managed to persuade them that it was all the fault of lawyers who kept delaying his wife’s inheritance. Eventually, Mrs. de Lamotte and her son came to Paris to obtain the money. Desrues came up with a plan to secure the estate permanently. He intended to use borrowed money to make a fake payment and then claim that Mrs. de Lamotte had taken the money and run away with a lover while her son had gone to Versailles. Of course, for this to work, both Mrs. de Lamotte and her son had to disappear. In the following weeks, both fell ill and died under the care of Desrues. His ruse worked at first, and many people believed that Mrs. de Lamotte had run away. Her husband, however, was not one of them. Only after Desrues came to Buisson-Souef to evict Mr. de Lamotte did he see the grocer’s true colors.Mr. de Lamotte came to Paris and used his connections to start an investigation. It all ended when police found the wife’s body buried in the cellar of a home that Desrues had rented using a fake name. The grocer-turned-aristocrat was broken on the wheel and burned alive. 2. Valorous P. Coolidge. The Waterville Poisoner Dr. Valorous P. Coolidge had a thriving practice in the city of Waterville, Maine, during the mid-19th century. Despite this, he was a man constantly living above his means and, as a result, often found himself in debt. In 1847, the doctor was indebted $2,500 to a cattle dealer named Edward Mathews. On September 29, he came round to Coolidge’s place and unsuspectingly drank a brandy laced with prussic acid, better known today as hydrogen cyanide. His body was found the next day in an empty cellar with several head wounds and a missing wallet. Coolidge was interviewed as a witness since people knew that Mathews had come to his office. However, it seemed that Coolidge’s ploy to make it look like a robbery-gone-bad had worked as local investigators allowed him to perform the autopsy on his own murder victim. During the procedure, Coolidge concluded that the wounds to the head could have been fatal, although he couldn’t say for certain. His real goal was to get rid of the stomach contents. Coolidge had them removed from the room due to their strong smell of brandy. Later on, he claimed that they had been out too long to provide any accurate information. Despite Coolidge’s decision, someone still sent the stomach contents over to a Professor Loomis for analysis. He quickly detected traces of prussic acid. Upon investigating the rest of the body, Loomis discovered that the head wounds were clearly inflicted after death, something Coolidge would have known. The doctor immediately became the number one suspect. He committed suicide in jail before being convicted. 3. Lydia Sherman - The Derby Poisoner In 1872, Connecticut resident Lydia Sherman found herself charged with poisoning her third husband, Horatio Sherman. Curiously, she claimed that it was an accident and that she had never intended to kill her husband. She only wanted to poison his children (plus all the people she killed beforehand). Lydia Sherman lived by a simple creed: If a problem comes along, use arsenic. Her first husband, Edward Struck, was a police officer in New York before being fired and falling into depression. Concerned over the loss of income and the despondent husband, Lydia solved both problems with a life insurance policy and rat poison in his food. The couple had five children together—three young ones and two teenagers from Edward’s previous marriage. The young ones were the first to go as they were the biggest burden. Still struggling to make ends meet, Lydia also killed the other two and then moved to Connecticut to look for a new husband. She married an elderly farmer named Dennis Hurlburt in 1868. However, the marriage wasn’t a happy one, so Lydia used the insurance policy/rat poison combo again in 1870. She then married Horatio Sherman in Derby, Connecticut. A recent widower, Sherman had two young children. Lydia wasn’t too fond of the kids, so she poisoned both of them. Sherman began drinking heavily after his children’s sudden deaths. According to Lydia, that’s how he killed himself—by drunkenly putting poison in his cider because he had mistaken the poison for sodium bicarbonate. In the end, Lydia Sherman got life in prison, convicted of the only murder she denied involvement in. 4. Robert Buchanan - The Morphine Murderer Born in Nova Scotia, Dr. Robert Buchanan set up his practice in New York in 1886. His first marriage broke down due to his preference for women and drinking. He then married Anna Sutherland, a former brothel madam who was 20 years older than he was. But she had amassed a sizable fortune. As his status grew, Buchanan became embarrassed by his wife but was still very fond of her money. After Anna threatened to cut him out of her will, the solution for Buchanan became quite clear—his wife had to go. Soon afterward, Anna fell ill and died days later. The coroner certified the cause of death as a brain haemorrhage, and Buchanan inherited $50,000.By pure chance, a reporter named Ike White heard of Anna Sutherland’s death while visiting the coroner’s office. He reached out to Anna’s former partner, who convinced White that Buchanan was a murderer. In turn, White tried to convince Sutherland’s coroner that Anna had been poisoned with morphine. But the coroner refused to believe it based on the lack of pinpoint pupils. At one point during the investigation, someone recalled that Buchanan had once decried Carlyle Harris, another morphine poisoner, as a “stupid amateur” for not knowing how to get rid of the signature pinpoint pupils. Based on this, White looked into possible methods to achieve this and concluded that a few drops of atropine prior to death would be enough. Through a newspaper campaign, White convinced the New York coroner to exhume Anna Sutherland’s body and re-examine it. This time, the result was clear—death through morphine overdose. Buchanan was convicted and executed in 1895. 5. Bertha Gifford - The Angel Of Death Regarded as a friendly housewife, Bertha Gifford was known to visit her sickly relatives and neighbours in Catawissa, Missouri, to care for them. However, many of her patients never got better. Too many, in fact, which is why Gifford was arrested in 1928 following a killing spree that had lasted up to three decades. Nobody knows for sure how many people Gifford killed. She was charged with three murders, named in six more, and suspected of up to 17. Gifford confessed to killing 48-year-old Edward Brinley and seven- and eight-year-old brothers, Elmer and Lloyd Shamel. According to Gifford, she poisoned them with arsenic to ease their pain as they were all suffering from severe stomach-aches. However, the boys’ father, George Shamel, testified that both were feeling fine before visiting the Giffords. Bertha seemingly had no preference when targeting people. Her oldest victim was 72 years old, while her youngest was just 15 months. Although unproven, it was highly suspected that Gifford’s first victim was her first husband, Henry Graham. Despite her confession, Bertha Gifford was found not guilty by reason of insanity and spent the rest of her life at Farmington State Hospital. 6. Daisy de Melker - The Plumber’s Wife Back in 1923, Daisy de Melker led an unassuming life in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her husband, William Cowle, and her only surviving child, Rhodes Cecil. One day, Cowle felt ill so his wife gave him some Epsom salts. However, instead of getting better, his health kept deteriorating until he died of a cerebral hemorrhage. Even though he was a plumber, Cowle left behind a tidy sum inherited by his wife of 14 years, Daisy. A few years later, Daisy married another plumber, Robert Sproat. This marriage was much shorter. In November 1927, Robert also died of a cerebral hemorrhage. Despite his circumstances mirroring those of William Cowle, both deaths were ruled natural causes and Daisy, again, walked away with money from his inheritance. In 1931, Daisy de Melker married her third plumber, Sydney Clarence. A year later, another family member met an untimely demise. However, this time it wasn’t her husband but her 20-year-old son, Rhodes. Three suspicious deaths in eight years was enough to attract the attention of police, and from there, it wasn’t hard to prove Daisy’s involvement. All three bodies showed traces of strychnine, and sales of the poison were traced back to her. In the end, though, Daisy de Melker was only convicted of her son’s murder. She was hanged in 1932. 7. Caroline Grills - Aunt Thally At first glance, Caroline Grills (“Auntie Carrie” to her family) looked like your typical sweet little old lady. Short in stature, with a friendly smile and thick glasses, her biggest pleasure in life seemed to be serving tea and biscuits. Unknown to her guests, though, that tea was often laced with thallium, a common rat poison. Auntie Carrie was already a grandmother in her sixties when she was charged in 1953 with the attempted murder of her sister-in-law Eveline Lundberg and Lundberg’s daughter. Both exhibited symptoms of thallium poisoning as did another family member, John Downey, who alerted the police. Investigators found several suspicious deaths in Grills’s family starting with her stepmother in 1947. Her husband’s brother-in-law, a cousin, and a friend of her stepmother all died within the next two years. While two had been cremated, investigators were able to dig up the other two and found traces of thallium. In the end, Grills was only convicted of one attempted murder and sentenced to life in prison. There, she became known as “Aunt Thally” due to her penchant for that particular poison. 8. Adolf Seefeld - Onkel Tick Tack It’s hard to determine the extent of Adolf Seefeld’s crimes. Since he was active during 1930s Germany and preyed on young boys, the Nazi Party used him as anti-homosexual propaganda. His life is also poorly documented since he worked as a traveling watchmaker, moving from town to town. Some records claim that Seefeld committed his first murder in 1908 but managed to escape conviction. He spent most of his adult years in prison on various charges for child molestation. When he was arrested for murder in 1935, Seefeld was convicted of poisoning 12 boys with a homemade concoction and burying them in the woods. Some estimated that his real body count was around 30 or even higher.Seefeld’s trial was a big win for the Nazi Party’s efforts to label homosexuals as “enemies of the state.” The papers named him “Uncle Tic Toc” due to his occupation. Some of them echoed Nazi claims that these kinds of “perverse tendencies” often resulted in murder and that it would be better if such “beasts” were neutralized before having the chance to do any harm. 9. Elisabeth Wiese - The Angel-Maker Of St. Pauli Some of the most vile killers in history were involved with the dubious practice of baby farming. Women would take custody of unwanted children, typically infants, in exchange for a lump sum or a periodic payment. However, particularly in the case of one-time payments, there was little incentive for the women to provide quality, long-term care for the children. Sometimes, the most efficient solution was to simply kill them and find new clients. The parents wanted nothing to do with their children, so they rarely checked up on them. That’s how certain killers like the Finchley baby farmers or Amelia Dyer murdered dozens, even hundreds, of children before being caught. More obscure was Elisabeth Wiese, known as the “angel-maker of St. Pauli” after the Hamburg suburb where she plied her murderous trade. She had already spent time in jail for trying to kill her husband. When she got out, Wiese started a lucrative baby farming business. She took in children from rich families afraid of scandal with the promise of finding these youngsters new families. Instead, she killed the babies with morphine and disposed of them in the kitchen stove. At one point, she even forced her daughter, Paula, into prostitution and killed her baby when Paula got pregnant. Eventually, police caught wind of Wiese’s suspicious business and found enough evidence, along with Paula’s testimony, to convict her. Wiese was beheaded in 1905. 10. Louisa Collins - The Borgia Of Botany Louisa Collins had the ignominious honour of being the last woman hanged in New South Wales, Australia, back in 1889. She married young to Charles Andrews, and together with their seven children, they lived in a house in Botany, today a suburb in Sydney. The family had a bit of spare room and often took in boarders to make a little extra cash. Rumours soon sprang up that Louisa was a bit too “familiar” with some of the male boarders. In particular, her liaison with one Michael Collins was discovered by her husband. Charles promptly threw Michael out of his home. But soon afterward, Charles fell ill and died within a week. Louisa didn’t wait long. Just three months after Charles’s death, she married Michael Collins. The new relationship didn’t last. Within a few months, Michael fell ill as well. He died shortly thereafter with symptoms similar to that of his predecessor. The circumstances were suspicious enough to warrant an autopsy which revealed that Collins had died of arsenic poisoning. Louisa was immediately charged with the crime, although it took two years and four different juries before she was found guilty. The “Borgia of Botany,” as she was dubbed by the media, was finally convicted following testimony from her daughter, who claimed that Louisa had bought an arsenic-based poison called Rough On Rats.

Why did Mexicans create tequila……..So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

Why did God invent Jameson whiskey…….So the Irish would never rule the world!

Poland Crash A two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 200 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.