uk666
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Everything posted by uk666
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Intercom A Jumbo jet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow. We hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off. He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?' The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm. The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to' At that moment the passengers cheered loudly and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladies handbag which was poking out into the aisle. The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first'
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Smoking In The Rain Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and both of them was smoking Camel cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, they went into the pharmacy and asked ‘’if They sell condoms’’. The pharmacist was a little shocked but said ‘’yes, they come in many sizes. What size do you need?" The old ladies talk to each other for a minute and one of them said, "One that will fit a Camel!" The pharmacist fainted!
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Bumper Stickers -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Horn broken, watch for finger. * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. * Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. * I'm just driving this way to piss you off. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Keep honking, I'm reloading. * Hang up and drive. * Lord save me from your followers. * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. * Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
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32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men 1. It's enjoyable hard or soft. 2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. 3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it. 4. You always want to swallow. 5. It won't complain if you share it with friends. 6. It's "quick and convenient". 7. You can enjoy it more than once. 8. It comes already protectively wrapped. 9. You can make it as large as you want. 10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later. 11. It's easier to get the kind you want. 12. You can comparison shop. 13. It's easier to find in a grocery store. 14. You can put it away when you've had enough. 15. You know yours has never been eaten before. 16. It won't complain if you chew on it. 17. It comes chocolate flavoured. 18. You always know when to get rid of it. 19. You can return it -- satisfaction is guaranteed. 20. It's always ready to go. 21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public. 22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed. 23. It won't wake you up because it's hard. 24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it. 25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging. 26. It won't take up room in your bed. 27. It's easy to pick up. 28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around. 29. You know what the extra weight is from. 30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one. 31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size. 32. It is very pliable.
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Better Boyfriend Two girls were comparing boyfriends over some drinks. "Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!" "Oh yeah," exclaimed the other. "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"
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St Paul's Cathedral survived the Blitz The dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral (undamaged) stands out among the flames and smoke of surrounding buildings during heavy attacks of the German Luftwaffe on December 29, 1940 in London, England. There was an unofficial lull in the Blitz attacks on London, for Christmas in 1940. But by 29 December, the German bomber planes had returned with renewed vigour. St Paul's Cathedral famously survived, but how? It became known as the Second Great Fire of London - the night 70 years ago that devastating air raids turned the capital into a conflagration. It had been a Christmas underground for many people, who slept in Underground stations or festively-decorated air raid shelters. For two nights, the bomber planes had not come, and the anti-aircraft guns remained silent. That peculiar silence had already been broken as dusk fell on 29 December. The enemy aircraft had returned, dropping incendiary devices and parachute mines in many tens of thousands. Their target? The City of London. By 1830 GMT on that cold Sunday evening, the Square Mile was in flames. Banks, offices, churches and homes were under threat, in the same streets burnt to a cinder in 1666. A US war reporter based in the city cabled his office: "The second Great Fire of London has begun." Prime Minister Winston Churchill sent word that St Paul's Cathedral should be protected at all costs - it would boost morale to save Christopher Wren's masterpiece. Bombs rained down on the cathedral. Volunteer firewatchers patrolled its myriad corridors, armed with sandbags and water pumps to douse the flames. At about 2100 GMT, an incendiary device lodged on the roof. As it burned, the lead of the iconic dome began to melt. But luck was on the side of the firewatchers. The bomb dislodged, fell to the floor of the Stone Gallery, and was smothered with a sandbag. St Paul's was saved. But many more buildings were lost. Tram lines and water mains were destroyed, and the streets strewn with rubble. A dozen firemen died that night, and 162 civilians also perished. Those who survived firefighting duties suffered burns, eye problems and smoke inhalation. The story goes that Air Marshall Arthur "Bomber" Harris, surveying the damage, remarked, "Well, they're sowing the wind." It was under his lead that RAF Bomber Command wreaked firestorms upon German cities. Before a 1,000-plane raid on Cologne, he told the newsreel cameras: "Now they are going to reap the whirlwind."
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High School Vs College In high school, you do homework. In college, you study. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls. In college, weekends start on Thursday. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there. Once you've obtained the information described in #15, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her." In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad. College men are cuter than high school boys. College women are legal. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
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You Know You're Not In College Anymore When...... Be honest, raise your hand if just a few too many of these are applicable to you. At 6am you're waking up instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress-up. The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal. It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m. Three Words: School Loan Payments. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream car. You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'. Dinner and a movie becomes the whole date, instead of the beginning of one. "Your girlfriend's pregnant" - brings thoughts of tax breaks instead of coronaries. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol. You get your news from sources other than ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends'. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. When drinking, you say at least once, 'I just don't have the tolerance I used to'.
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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar……"Please, no sad stories!" -
Homeless Man A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
What is a man's idea of a balanced diet……A Budweiser in each hand! -
Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
What’s the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant……At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining -
life isn't fair There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Troubled Marriage A guy talks with his friend about his marriage: "It's getting bad these days; my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city." "Is she an alcoholic?" the friend asks "No, she's looking for me."
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CHURCH Two older ladies were sitting through a rather long church service. One bent over and said to the other, "I think my butt is going to sleep." Her companion whispers back, "I know, I heard it snore 3 times already.''
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Vaseline Survey A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?' She says, 'yes......my husband and I use it all the time.' 'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 'We use it for sex.' The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?' The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.....My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
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Earthrise Earthrise, William Anders, NASA, 1968 It’s never easy to identify the moment a hinge turns in history. When it comes to humanity’s first true grasp of the beauty, fragility and loneliness of our world, however, we know the precise instant. It was on December 24, 1968, exactly 75 hours, 48 minutes and 41 seconds after the Apollo 8 spacecraft lifted off from Cape Canaveral en route to becoming the first manned mission to orbit the moon. Astronauts Frank Borman, Jim Lovell and Bill Anders entered lunar orbit on Christmas Eve of what had been a bloody, war-torn year for America. At the beginning of the fourth of 10 orbits, their spacecraft was emerging from the far side of the moon when a view of the blue-white planet filled one of the hatch windows. “Oh, my God! Look at that picture over there! Here’s the Earth coming up. Wow, is that pretty!” Anders exclaimed. He snapped a picture—in black and white. Lovell scrambled to find a colour canister. “Well, I think we missed it,” Anders said. Lovell looked through windows three and four. “Hey, I got it right here!” he exclaimed. A weightless Anders shot to where Lovell was floating and fired his Hasselblad. “You got it?” Lovell asked. “Yep,” Anders answered. The image—our first full-color view of our planet from off of it—helped to launch the environmental movement. And, just as important, it helped human beings recognize that in a cold and punishing cosmos, we’ve got it pretty good. These days, we have a lot of images of Earth from space. Which is awesome. But before we went to space, we had some ideas about what Earth might look like, too. In 1893, the book Astronomy for Beginners featured this image of Earth from an unnamed viewpoint in their chapter on “Visitors.” The images in this book are mostly photographs of plaster models based on observations of amateur astronomer James Nasmyth. Most of the images in this book are modelled on their direct observations, but this one represents the view of the Earth from the moon. Part of considering the moon as a world, a place like Earth, required this kind of shift in perspective. Seeing the Earth eclipse the sun from the Moon makes it feel much more like a real world. In 1898, the book The Story of the Sun, Moon, and Stars included this image of the Earth seen from the moon Text Appearing Before Image: The moon is very much smaller than the earth. Her diameter is about two-sevenths of the earth’s diameter; her entire surface is about two twenty-sevenths of the earth’s surface; her size is about two ninety-ninths of the earths size; and her whole weight is about one-eightieth of the earths weight. Attraction or gravitation on the surface of the moon is very different from what it is on the earth. Her much smaller bulk greatly lessens her power of attraction. While a man from earth would, on the surface of the sun—supposing he could exist there at all—lie helpless, motionless, and crushed by his own weight, he would on the moon find himself astonishingly light and active. A leap over a tall house would be nothing to him. The moon, unlike the sun, has no light or heat other own to give out. Rays of sunlight falling upon her, rebound thence, and find their way earthward. .
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30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
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Beer IMPORTANT NOTICE: Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. - The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a women has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for "no-strings-attached sex". Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before -- just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" -- apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know.......... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.
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Short Jokes Post – Keep The Jokes Short And Funny
uk666 replied to uk666's topic in The Fun & Laughs Section
There are 3 kinds of men in this world: Some remain single and make wonders happen, some have girlfriends and see wonders happen......the rest get married and wonder what happened!
