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In Praise of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know... Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas... Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a man just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Men are like.... Snowstorms……You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Men are like.... Popcorn……They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.... Mascara……They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.... Lawn Mowers……If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.... Horoscopes……They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

World's highest standard of living, There's no way like the American way Famous image of African American flood victims lined up to get food and clothing at Red Cross relief station in front of billboard ironically extolling “World’s highest standard of living. There’s no way like the American way”. Original title of the picture: “The Louisville Flood”. 1937 In early January 1937, the swollen banks of the Ohio River flooded more than seventy percent of Louisville, Kentucky, and its surrounding areas. With one hour’s notice, photojournalist Margaret Bourke-White caught the next plane to Louisville. She photographed the city from makeshift rafts, recording one of the largest natural disasters in American history which claimed close to 400 lives and left roughly one million people homeless across five states in the winter of that terrible year. One of the most famous pictures she took shows African-American men, women and children lined up outside a flood relief agency. In striking contrast to their grim faces, the billboard for the National Association of Manufacturers above them depicts a smiling white family of four (and their dog) riding in a car under a banner with the ultimately ironic slogan “World’s Highest Standard of Living. There’s no way like the American Way”. Although, the country was dealing with a depression and local lives are even further complicated by being displaced from their homes, the individuals photographed are dressed pretty well. Women have beautiful long pea coats, clean hats; heels and two women are even shown wearing hosiery in great condition. The men are depicted wearing nice long coats, non-wrinkled pants and all of which are wearing hats. The billboard is an archetype that carries some notable social and political implications. The father-mother-son-daughter (and even pet terrier) unit embodied the American nuclear family, as outlined by countless hegemonic institutions, including magazine publications and advertising agencies. Produced by The National Association of Manufacturers, thousands of billboard scenes, like the one above, aimed at spreading hope across the United States by advocating the American Dream. Bourke-White’s The Louisville Flood remains an iconic image of the Great Depression, embodying an era that began with the stock market crash in 1929 and ended with the onslaughts of World War II in 1941.

The Real Man Test Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman - like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?" 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her). 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. 10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control.

Never Judge a Book by its Author .................................................................................. Is O. J. Guilty?..........................Howard I. Know Animal Illnesses........................Ann Thrax French Overpopulation…….........Francis Crowded Fallen Underwear .....................Lucy Lastic Downpour! ..............................Wayne Dwops Cloning ...................................Ima Dubble Irish Flooring ...........................Lynn O'Leum I Lived in Detroit ......................Helen Earth Inflammation, Please ................Arthur Itis Handel's Messiah .....................Ollie Luyah House Construction ………..........Bill Jerome Home Unemployed ............................Anita Job Off to Market ...........................Tobias A. Pigg Holmes Does it Again ……….......Scott Linyard Home Alone IV .........................Eddie Buddyhome Lewis Carroll ............................Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy ..............................Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast …......Kareem O' Wheat Neither a Borrower ...................Nora Lender Bee The French Chef .......................Sue Flay Tight Situation ..........................Leah Tard The Scent of a Man ..................Jim Nasium Why Cars Stop .........................M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows ………..........Russell Ingleaves Look Younger ...........................Fay Slift Mountain Climbing ....................Andover Hand It's Springtime! .........................Theresa Green No! ..........................................Kurt Reply And Shut Up! ...........................Sid Downe

Psychology Class At one American university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the diligent student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"

Wild Game A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says: "Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So, he shoots her.

France Customs An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Risqué A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down her chair and under the table – but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman “Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "Look he just walked into the restaurant."

The Husband's Snails A couple were throwing a dinner party for all the major bigwigs in San Diego. The wife was very excited about the party and wanted everything to be just perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket and gather some snails. Grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down the beach and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails for the dinner party. All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place for a drink. Well one thing led to another, and the man ended up spending the night at her place. At 7am the next morning he woke up and shouted, "Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!" Quickly he gathered up all of his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails, ran out the door and down the beach. He ran up the stairs to his beach house... He was in such a hurry when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails, strewing snails all the way down the stairs. Just then the door opened, and a very angry wife was standing over him demanding to know where he had been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then looked at his wife, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Black and White Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Laziest Of All A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,” came the reply.

Feeling 18 Again A 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for awhile and then says, " You look ridiculous! What on Earth do you think you are doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!" She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65-year-old ass?" She says, "Your name never came up!"

Pin Boys Before automatic bowling pinsetters were invented, "pin boys" manually line them up, 1914

The vulture and the little girl The vulture and the little girl, 1993. Original title: Struggling Girl. The vulture is waiting for the girl to die and to eat her. The photograph was taken by South African photojournalist, Kevin Carter, while on assignment to Sudan. He took his own life a couple of month later due to depression. In March 1993 Kevin Carter made a trip to Sudan. Near the village of Ayod, Carter found a girl who had stopped to rest while struggling to a United Nations feeding centre, whereupon a vulture had landed nearby. Careful not to disturb the bird, he waited for twenty minutes until the vulture was close enough, positioned himself for the best possible image and only then chased the vulture away. At this point Carter was probably not yet aware that he had shot one of the most controversial photographs in the history of photojournalism. “The parents of the children were busy taking food from the plane, so they had left their children only briefly while they collected the food. This was the situation for the girl in the photo taken by Carter. A vulture landed behind the girl. To get the two in focus, Carter approached the scene very slowly so as not to scare the vulture away and took a photo from approximately 10 meters. He took a few more photos before chasing the bird away”. The photograph was sold to The New York Times where it appeared for the first time on March 26, 1993. Practically overnight hundreds of people contacted the newspaper to ask whether the child had survived, leading the newspaper to run a special editor’s note saying the girl had enough strength to walk away from the vulture, but that her ultimate fate was unknown. Because of this, Carter was bombarded with questions about why he did not help the girl, and only used her to take a photograph. As with many dramatic photographs, Carter came under criticism for this shot. The St. Petersburg Times in Florida wrote: “The man adjusting his lens to take just the right frame of her suffering, might just as well be a predator, another vulture on the scene”. The attitude that public opinion condemned was not only that of taking the picture instead of chasing the vulture immediately away, but also the fact that he did not help the girl afterwards –as Carter explained later- leaving her in such a weak condition to continue the march by her self towards the feeding center. However, Carter was working in a time when photojournalists were told not to touch famine victims for fear of spreading disease. Carter estimated that there were twenty people per hour dying at the food centre. The child was not unique. Regardless, Carter often expressed regret that he had not done anything to help the girl, even though there was not much that he could have done. In 1994, Kevin Carter won the Pulitzer prize for the disturbing photograph of a Sudanese child being stalked by a vulture. That same year, Kevin Carter committed suicide. Carter is the tragic example of the toll photographing such suffering can take on a person. Along with his famous photograph, Carter had captured such things as a public necklacing execution in 1980s South Africa, along with the violence of the time, including shootouts and other executions. Carter spoke of his thoughts when he took these photographs: “I had to think visually. I am zooming in on a tight shot of the dead guy and a splash of red. Going into his khaki uniform in a pool of blood in the sand. The dead man’s face is slightly grey. You are making a visual here. But inside something is screaming: ‘My God!’. But it is time to work. Deal with the rest later. If you can’t do it, get out of the game”. The suicide: On 27 July 1994 Carter drove his way to Parkmore near the Field and Study Center, an area where he used to play as a child, and committed suicide by taping one end of a hose to his pickup truck’s exhaust pipe and running the other end to the driver’s side window. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning at the age of 33. Carter’s suicide note read: “I’m really, really sorry. The pain of life overrides the joy to the point that joy does not exist… I am depressed… without phone… money for rent … money for child support… money for debts… money!!!… I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings and corpses and anger and pain… of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners… I have gone to join Ken [recently deceased colleague Ken Oosterbroek] if I am that lucky”.

I Will Survive Below are the new lyrics to 'I WILL SURVIVE' THE MALE VERSION At first I was afraid I was petrified By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head. If I'd known for just one second you'd Assault me in your bed. I tried to go, walk out the door, But you've been sitting on my legs and I Can't feel them anymore, And now you're sitting on my face, my nose Has vanished - not a trace, I only hope that your big knickers are not Made of liquorice lace I want to go, I've got to leave Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave I Only hope that no one saw me walking home With such a slut Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're Half cut. I can't believe, I'm lying here. It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that We call beer You can all sod your beer goggles, shit I must Have been blind To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind. Please let me go, I'm getting scared There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Breasts from being bared. I think that I must have been mad, God what Made me want to court her? With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just Filled up with water It's time to go, run out the door She's started hinting that she wants sex on her Dirty lino floor I don't think there's anything worse Than the al-co-hol-ics curse. I WILL SURVIVE! To which the girls reply... THE FEMALE VERSION At first I was afraid, I was petrified. By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side. I would've drunk a little less, I would've Tried to keep my head, If I'd know for just one second I'd be in Your crusty bed... I tried to go, walk out the door. But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I fell on the floor. Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace, But I'd rather look at that, than at your F**king ugly face...! I want to go, I've got to leave. Your talk of chicks and football really makes Me want to heave. I only know I've got to stop my drinking Sprits and the beer Coz when I looked at you last night, hell, you Looked just like Richard Gere! I can't believe, that we both shagged. You should be wearing concrete shoes or should be Simply bound and gagged. I'm f**king off right now, I'm jumping on the Flippin' train And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed Your greebies down the drain. Please let me go, I feel quite sick, We had the worst sex in the world and you're A bloody ugly prick I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm Stuck with you, you twat. It's time to go, run out the door. You look so ugly it should really be against the law. I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm gonna Have no stupid fun Coz waking up beside you makes me Want to be a nun! I WILL SURVIVE!

Letter of Apology When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!! Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic......

Whisky is a brilliant invention……..One double and you start feeling single again.

Women are like telephones ... They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're DISCONNECTED.

An office prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off, and also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore……A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.