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Bear in a Bar A bear walked into a bar, held out a twenty, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender took the twenty, mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the bear, and handed the bear a few coins in change. After a few minutes, the bartender remarked, “You know, I think you are the first bear I’ve ever seen in this bar!” The bear looked at the change in his paw and said: “And at these prices, I’ll be the last bear you’ll ever see in this bar too.”

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible?” …… “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon……It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What do dentists call their x-rays……Tooth pics!

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters……Anna One, Anna Two.

The International Council of Man Laws - Update All men are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood. It is the necessity and in benefits of all men, to try to obey laws below: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances When a heroic dog dies to save its master. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. After wrecking your boss's car. When she is using her teeth. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. Thou must do your damn best to avoid any kind of body contact at the men's room. You may have to skip a urinal or two or three or hell try to use the one on the other side of the room. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. t's perfectly okay for women to fight naked. In fact, it's almost a sport. Men never should. It's just a bit too gay, which is why it's only allowed in prisons. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Thou shall not pull down pants to take a piss. Use the damn zipper! Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have drunken sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox/PlayStation. End of story. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?' 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!' By the order of - The International Council of Man Laws.

Military Life Insurance Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded: "Which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Ambushed The Lone Ranger and Tonto are ambushed by Indians. After they gallop clear, the Lone Ranger finds arrows sticking in his hat, his back, his arse, his horse. And Tonto is untouched. The Lone Ranger ask, 'How come they all missed you?' Tonto replied: 'My new aftershave, it's Aramis.'

Proverbs & Counter Proverbs As any experienced conversationalist will tell you, uncertainty is the key to winning any argument. Following are popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. Actions speak louder than words. -vs- The pen is mightier than the sword. Knowledge is power. -vs- Ignorance is bliss. The squeaking wheel gets the grease. -vs- Silence is golden. Look before you leap. -vs- He who hesitates is lost. A silent man is a wise one. -vs- A man without words is a man without thoughts. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. -vs- Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Clothes make the man. -vs- Don't judge a book by its cover. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. -vs- Better safe than sorry. Money talks. -vs- Talk is cheap. The only thing constant is change. -vs- The more things change, the more they stay the same. Two heads are better than one. -vs- If you want something done right, do it yourself. Haste make waste -vs- Strike while the iron is hot. Many hands make light work. -vs- Too many cooks spoil the broth. Great minds think alike. -vs- Fools seldom differ. Birds of a feather flock together. -vs- Opposites attract. The bigger, the better. -vs- The best things come in small packages. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. -vs- Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -vs- Out of sight, out of mind. What will be, will be. -vs- Life is what you make it. Cross your bridges when you come to them. -vs- Forewarned is forearmed. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. -vs- One man's meat is another man's poison. With age comes wisdom. -vs- Out of the mouths of babes and suckling come all wise saying. The more, the merrier. -vs- Two's company; three's a crowd. It's better to be safe than sorry. -vs- Nothing ventured nothing gained. You are never too old to learn. -vs- You can't teach old dog's new tricks. Wisdom is found in a multitude of counsellors. -vs- Too many cooks spoil the broth. The early bird gets the worm. -vs- The second mouse gets the cheese If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -vs- Don't beat your head against a stone wall. Haste makes waste. -vs- Time waits for no man.

Cliff Hanger Mark was hiking along a mountainous trail when he lost his footing and slipped over the side of a cliff. After falling approximately 15 feet he ran into the branches of a tree growing out the side of the cliff. While hanging on for dear life, he looked down and saw that it was at least a 200-foot drop to the bottom. In desperation he started calling for help. "Is anybody up there?! I've fallen over the side, and I need help!" A loud booming voice that echoed through the mountains said, "I am the Lord. Let go of thy branch and ye will be safe!" Mark could hardly believe his ears. This was indeed the voice of God, and it echoed loud and clear. But he looked down again at the 200-foot drop, looked up, and cried out: "Is anybody else up there?!"

Check-Up During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. The Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied: "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve……Sandy Claws.

When you have a bladder infection……Urine trouble.

I signed up for a marathon……But how will I know if it’s the real deal or just a run through.

What do you call two birds in love……Tweet-hearts.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory……All I did was take a day off.