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Off to Las Vegas A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"

007 - James Bond James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

In the beginning was the Plan and then came the assumptions and the assumptions were without form and the plan was completely without substance and the darkness was upon the faces of the employees and they spake amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinks!" and the employees went unto their supervisors, saying "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." and the supervisors went unto their division managers, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength." and the division managers went unto their system managers, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong." and the general manager went unto the Board, saying "It promotes growth and is very powerful." and the general manager went unto the Board, saying "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization." and the Board looked upon the plan and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy This is how shit happens.

Prepare to meet your God A British Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technical Officer approaches a suspect device at the junction of Manor Street and Oldpark Road in Belfast, Northern Ireland. 1970s The Manor Street marked the line between protestant and catholic neighbourhoods. The quotation on the sign on the building to the left is from the Old Testament (Amos 4:12) and it reads: “Prepare to meet your God “. Probably the most discouraging thing to possibly read before approaching something that may or may not blow you to pieces. What is even more morbid, is that the technician pictured is already within the “kill” radius for an explosive of that size. Fortunately, the technician in this photo did not lose his life, the bomb did not explode. During the 38-year campaign in Northern Ireland, 23 British ATO bomb disposal specialists were killed in action.

Japanese passport world's most powerful There are few things more liberating than travel -- although some passports offer more freedom than others. A new report published October 9, 2018, reveals just how many borders some travel documents can cross. According to the Henley Passport Index, compiled by global citizenship and residence advisory firm Henley & Partners Citizens, Japan now has the most powerful passport on the planet. Having gained visa-free access to Myanmar earlier this month, Japanese citizens can now enjoy visa-free or visa-on-arrival access to a whopping 190 destinations around the world -- knocking Singapore, with 189 destinations, into second place. Germany, which began 2018 in the top spot, is now in third place with 188 destinations, tied with France and South Korea. Uzbekistan lifted visa requirements for French nationals on October 5, having already granted visa-free access to Japanese and Singaporean citizens in early February. South Korea gained visa-free access to Myanmar on October 1, while Paraguay removed visa requirements for Singaporean passport holders in 2017. Henley Passport Index power ranking 1. Japan: 190 2. Singapore: 189 3. Germany, France, South Korea: 188 4. Denmark, Finland, Italy, Sweden, Spain: 187 5. Norway, United Kingdom, Austria, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Portugal, United States: 186 6. Belgium, Switzerland, Ireland, Canada: 185 7. Australia, Greece, Malta: 183 8. New Zealand, Czech Republic: 182 9. Iceland: 181 10. Hungary, Slovenia, Malaysia: 180 So which passports offer the least mobility? Joint last place on the updated Henley Passport Index list are Afghanistan and Iraq, with visa-free or visa-on-arrival access to 30 jurisdictions, just below Syria and Somalia (32) and Pakistan (33).

Job Hunting - What Recruiters Say and What They Really Mean ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7.25 per hour. ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $8 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft. PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions. WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: Who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover. EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes all of the time. FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start. A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches on your own time. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 30. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control in the company. COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired. ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown-nosers.

24 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 21. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

The last Jew in Vinnitsa Member of Einsatzgruppe D (a Nazi SS death squad) is just about to shoot a Jewish man kneeling before a filled mass grave in Vinnitsa, Ukraine, in 1941. All 28,000 Jews from Vinnitsa (Ukraine) and its surrounding areas were massacred.

Did you hear about the new morning-after pill for men......It changes your blood group

Granddad, what's the best thing about being 104.......No peer pressure

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.......Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands......Police say that he topped himself.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli......He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says......Sorry, we don't serve food in here.

Tattoo It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on, that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!"

Thin Walls A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat. "Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?" "No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep. The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..." "Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Excuse Me A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your d*ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Making Amends Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

Small Pecker A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small P*nis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father’’

Oopsy Daisy Dimitri Voronov perfectly captured the shocked expressions right before a three-layer wedding cake was about to fall to the floor (2017)

Photographer Threw Hot Tea Into Freezing Air. The Result Is Stunning Every winter sees a re-emergence of videos in which people throw hot liquids into the air - in the hope that the freezing weather will instantly freeze the contents of their mug, kettle or thermos flask. Of course, this does tend to result in foolhardy individuals inadvertently covering themselves in boiling water. But for the most part, it's an interesting scientific phenomenon. A photographer from Ontario named Michael Davies decided to test the theory. His hometown is pretty cold at this time of year, there was no guarantee it would cut it. Therefore, he decided to travel to an area just 20km south of the Arctic Circle. The man in the photo is his friend, Markus. Prepared with multiple thermoses filled with tea, we began tossing the water and shooting. Nothing of this shot was to chance; I followed the temperature, watched for calm wind, and planned the shot and set it up. Even the sun in the middle of the spray was something I was hoping for, even though it’s impossible to control.

10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. Less guilt the morning after. It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re somebody else, because you are. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some. You can do the whole neighborhood!

Special High Intensity Training TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Suffering A mother finds a Sadism and Masochism magazine under her son's bed while cleaning his room. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?" "I'm not sure," replies the father. "But we probably shouldn't spank him."