uk666

One entrepreneur says to another: "I've just been in the Far East prospecting for gold." "Japan?" asks the second entrepreneur. "Gosh, no," he replies. "I used much more scientific methods."

A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." "Well," she replies, "You succeeded."

A man suggests to his wife, "Darling, shall we try swapping positions tonight." "That's a great idea," she replies. "Why don't you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and break wind."

Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms.....To be sure, to be sure

Who are the coolest blokes at the hospital......The ultra-sound guys!

The ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, she don't give a damn. You twit. B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat together and then Die! C is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and was broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her for the next two weeks. F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favours. J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for strikeout. In baseball scoring, the letter K is used to represent a strikeout. Her arms stiffen, and little fists strike out at me. The least thing upsets her and she was frequently strikes out at me. L is for love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. M is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necrophilia. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top. She has another O word. P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a very bad person. Steve the snake in the grass. Steve was my best friend and trusted colleague. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs. U is for understatement. Saying you hate that f***ing bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone. Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you? Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep...

Headache A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." "Gotcha!"

The Laws Of Ultimate Reality These are the unavoidable laws of the universe, as we know it: Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold. Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Law of Physical Appearance: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

A Toast Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!". And he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So, he told her, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that was very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

fine Sandpaper Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Geppetto, the carpenter who made him... Geppetto asks how he is getting on with his girlfriend. "Not bad," Pinocchio says, "but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters." "Don't worry," says Geppetto, "I'll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should sort out the problem." A few weeks later, they meet again. "How are things with your girlfriend now?" asks Geppetto. Pinocchio replies, "Who needs a girlfriend"

10 Reasons Studying is better than Sex You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. A little coffee and you can do it all night. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser." You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. You don't have to put your beer down to do it. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Samsung Galaxy S6/S6 Edge won't receive software updates anymore The Galaxy S9 and S9+ may be the hottest Samsung devices out right now, but just a few years back, Samsung's flagship phones were far different compared to what they are today. Four years ago, the all-plastic Galaxy S5 and its weird perforated back was considered the best the company had to offer. Samsung made a huge leap forward in design when it launched the metal and glass Galaxy S6 series in 2015, and this essentially paved the way for the Samsung phones we know and love today. All good things must come to an end, however, as Samsung's officially stopped all future software updates for its S6 line-up. The Samsung website has a continuously updated list of phones that are scheduled to receive monthly and quarterly security updates, and Android Police recently discovered that a good chunk of the Galaxy S6 series has been removed. More specifically, this means there won't be any future updates for the Galaxy S6 or S6 Edge. The S6 Edge+ and S6 Active were originally removed from the list as well, but they have since been added back to it. These two phones were released a few months after the S6 and S6 Edge debuted, but it's likely Samsung will halt updates for the Edge+ and Active at some point before the year is over. Companies deciding to stop supporting phones is never the most joyous thing to talk about, but in the case of the S6 and S6 Edge, Samsung did a solid job with three years of support – even if it wasn't the fastest to release new software.

Nair Hair Remover My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The woman went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

World's Oldest New Mom With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me. 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

12 Wisdom From Funny People J. Seinfeld - "My parents just moved to Florida. They didnt want to, but they turned sixty. It's the law." Unknown - " When I die, I want to go like my grandfather - peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car" M. Twain - "Let’s suppose you were an idiot. And let’s suppose you were a member of Congress...... But I repeat myself" Rod Stewart - "I don’t want to get married again. I'll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house." J Carson - "If life were fair Elvis would still be alive and the impersonators would be dead" P Poundstone - "My mother said she learned how to swim when some people took her out in the middle of the lake and pushed her out of the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to tach you to swim" Roseanne - "Some women complain about PMS. I look at it as the only time of the month I can be myself." Dave Barry - "I like dogs. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and he'll give you that look that says, "God, you’re right. I never would have thought of that." Richard Jeni - "I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime & poverty, but it isn't cold enough. Let’s go west." Conan Obrian - "A study in the Washington Post stated that women have better verbal skills than men. I'd like to say one thing to the authors of that study, "DUH" Dave Barry - "Given the choice between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, women will go for the infant every time. Even without considering if there’s someone on base." J. Foxworthy - "The job of being the designated driver is not a good one. But if you get stuck with it, try to have some fun. At the end of the night, let everyone out at the wrong house."

Sex at 95.... One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 95-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour, I figured that at 97, if he could have sex... Maybe he could also fly, like Superman!'

Love Quotes - The Wisest, Wittiest and Most Cynical Romantic love; it inspires poets, philosophers, humourists and sceptics. The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love. ~ Philip James Bailey Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, Hast thou more of pain or pleasure! . . . . Endless torments dwell about thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee! ~ Joseph Addison Love spends his all, and still hath store. ~ Philip James Bailey Could I love less, I should be happier now. ~ Philip James Bailey Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance. ~ Anonymous People who are sensible about love are incapable of it. ~ Douglas Yates A heart that loves is always young. ~ Proverb One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love. ~ Elizabeth Aston Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the world has ever seen. ~ Anonymous Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. ~ Mae West Love is a many-splintered thing. ~ Proverb Love and eggs are best when they are fresh. ~ Proverb Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass. ~ Proverb There is love, of course. And then there's life, its enemy. ~ Jean Anouilh Love is like dew that falls on both nettles and lilies. ~ Proverb Love is friendship set on fire. ~ Jeremy Taylor Love and relationships are truly one of the most paradoxical aspects of being human. For it is in love that we find the greatest of strengths and the deepest of sorrows. Love can seem to be so fleeting and unachievable, yet it remains well within our reach if we only learn how to embrace its power. To experience true love, we must be willing to open ourselves up and sacrifice part of our heart and part of our soul. We must be willing to give of ourselves freely, and we must be willing to suffer. It is only when we expose our inner selves to the white hot flame of rejection, that love can burn so brightly as to join two souls, melding the two into one, creating a bond that joins forever. It is from this bond that we draw strength eternal and power everlasting. It is in this thing that we call love that we find the means to achieve greatness, both in ourselves and in our lives. ~ Anonymous In this world of extremes, we can only love too little. ~ Rich Cannarella Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old. ~ John Ciardi Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination. ~ Voltaire If there is anything better than to be loved it is loving. ~ Anonymous Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies. ~ John Donne He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. ~ Benjamin Franklin I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love. ~ Henry Ward Beecher We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness, and call it love. ~ Anonymous No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved. ~ Mignon McLaughlin The one who loves less controls the relationship. ~ Anonymous True love stories never have endings. ~ Richard Bach The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved--loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. ~ Victor Hugo What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. ~ Pearl Bailey If you want to be loved, be lovable. ~ Ovid Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes . . . just be an illusion. ~ Javan We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. ~ Tom Robbins Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. ~ Ursula K. LeGuin. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~ Anonymous True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall--but you are there to catch them. ~ Anonymous The woman cries before the wedding, the man after. ~ Proverb Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime. ~Jean Pierre Claris De Florian Love won't be tampered with, love won't go away. Push it to one side and it creeps to the other. ~ Louise Erdrich There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started out with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet which fails so regularly, as love. ~ Erich Fromm The love we give away is the only love we keep. ~ Elbert Hubbard Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. ~ Erica Jong We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. ~ W. Somerset Maugham Love is a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. ~ Ambrose Bierce Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames. ~ Thomas Moore Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense. ~ Helen Rowland Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does. ~ Fang Falling in love is so hard on the knees. ~ Aerosmith Love isn't blind, it's retarded. ~ Don Foster & Susan Beavers Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better. ~ William Shakespeare There is no remedy for love but to love more. ~ Henry David Thoreau When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. ~ Oscar Wilde In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~ Janos Arany Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams. ~ Fyodor Dostoevski When we want to read of the deeds that are done for love, whither do we turn? To the murder column. ~ George Bernard Shaw You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~ Dr Seuss After another moment's silence, she mumbled that I was peculiar, that that was probably why she loved me but that one day I might disgust her for the very same reason. ~ Albert Camus The excesses of love soon pass, but its insufficiencies torment us forever. ~ Mignon McLaughlin Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. ~ Anonymous Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives. ~ Bertrand Russell It is an extra dividend when you like the girl you've fallen in love with. ~ Clark Gable To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. ~ David Viscott Love lasteth long as the money endureth. ~ William Caxton When poverty comes in at doors, love leaps out at windows. ~ John Clarke Many a man in love with a dimple makes a mistake of marrying the whole girl. ~ Stephen Leacock Love is a fan club with only two fans. ~ Anonymous Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. ~ Louis Ginzberg The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love. ~ Henry Miller Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. ~ Ranier Maria Rilke What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things. ~ Anonymous Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. ~ John Barrymore lovers alone wear sunlight. ~ e. e. cummings In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged. ~ Hans Nouwens Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning We are, each of us, angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another. ~ Luciano de Crescenzo. Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common therewith. ~ Thomas Carlyle People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. ~ Bob Hope Forget love--I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~ Sandra J. Dykes Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. ~ Proverb Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~ Robert Heinlein We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter. ~ Mignon McLaughlin Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~ Rose Franken Love is being stupid together. ~ Paul Valery I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallox. ~ Woody Allen At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. ~ Plato Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be. ~ Anton Chekhov

Football Team Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what is the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday!!!"

The hidden meaning of Names... A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘you are obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: ‘you are obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come Dick, we have to go now.'

Nice Legs A man goes to a bar and see a very fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."