uk666

How to describe your golf shot An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be A Kate Moss - thinned it A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems Putting like a gynaecologist’s assistant - shaving the hole A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole A Cuban - needs one more revolution An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie") A Robin Cook - just died on the hill A Michael Jackson - gradually fading An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Tony Blair - too much spin A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't

Car Hacks for Winter Keep your headlights clear with car wax. Just wipe ordinary car wax on your headlights. It contains special water repellents that will prevent that messy mixture from accumulating on your lights; lasts 6 weeks. Squeak-proof your wipers with rubbing alcohol. Wipe the wipers with a cloth saturated with rubbing alcohol or ammonia. This one trick can make badly streaking & squeaking wipers change to near perfect silence & clarity. Ice-proof your windows with vinegar. Frost on its way? Just fill a spray bottle with three parts vinegar to one part water & spritz it on all your windows at night. In the morning, they'll be clear of icy mess. Vinegar contains acetic acid, which raises the melting point of water, preventing water from freezing. Prevent car doors from freezing shut with cooking spray. Spritz cooking oil on the rubber seals around car doors & rub it in with a paper towel. The cooking spray prevents water from melting into the rubber. Fog-proof your windshield with shaving cream. Spray some shaving cream on the inside of your windshield & wipe if off with paper towels. Shaving cream has many of the same ingredients found in commercial defoggers. De-ice your lock in seconds with hand sanitizer. Just put some hand sanitizer gel on the key & the lock & the problems solved. Do you have the luxury of using a seat warmer in your car? Well good for you! If you’re ever picking up pizza turn the seat warmer on for the drive home. The result, no were cold pizza this Winter.

Quiet Sex life Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him casually and replied: 'You're never home!'

Guy Collapses A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "Hi, I am 7-foot-tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch d*ck and my name is Turner Brown". The small guy faints!! The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?". The small guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". ‘’Hi, I am 7-foot-tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch d*ck and my name is Turner Brown" The small guy says, "thank god, I thought you said turn around".

Pickle Factory Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his p*nis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely pale. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my d*ck into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too.

Buy me a drink A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.'' He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman nervously spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Wife: Baby, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be? Husband: A joke

What position is Dracula on the baseball team.....He's the bat boy!

Why is it a bad idea to play baseball in the jungle……Because there are too many cheetahs

Why was Cinderella taken out of the game by her manager…..Because she ran away from the ball

What do you call a chubby girl on the phone……A Teletubby.

Do you know what's great for instant messages…..Baseball bats

How do you kill a circus clown……Go for the juggler

What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub……A bartender

If Men Ruled the World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Amanda Hugnkiss." The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle." Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Terrified Cabbie Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.'' ''I've been driving a hearse for last 25 years."

Flat Tummy A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

20 Rejected Valentine's Day Cards This Valentine's Day, you deserve the finest chocolates. But not as much as your favourite chair deserves a break from slowly being crushed. I've been shot by Cupid. Well, it was either Cupid or insurgents. This Valentine's Day you deserve to be treated like a queen. But seriously, dinner's not going to cook itself. I love you just the way you are... but I wouldn't complain if you got enhancement surgery. I barely had time to get you this Valentine's Day card... because I was busy burying bodies in my backyard. When I look at you, you take away my breath... because I'm high on crystal meth. Since I met you, I'm as happy as can be... even though you gave me Hepatitis C. I have to say I love you more each year... but that's a lie... now go get me a beer! Your love has swooped me up like some kind of twister... which is why I got confused and dated your sister. If you think that hickey looks like a blister... check out the one I gave to your sister. I think I'm falling in love with you... or is that just the Ecstasy kicking in? If you don't make love to me... the terrorists have won. Through many trials and tribulations, our love has always weathered... I love you even more now that your skin has leathered. It's Valentine's Day and I'm feeling goofy... but I'll get over it once I slip you a roofie. I always said that you were a looker... and so much better than my last hooker. Happy Valentine's Day from across the miles... I'm cheating on you here, but let's keep the smiles! Roses are red, violets are blue... this is how I'm saying I'm divorcing you. Your eyes are as beautiful as the big blue sea... but I could do without your HIV. My love for you is on the rise... which is amazing considering your enormous thighs. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

For the Guys Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty quid. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that dressing gown.

Why do Pilots Always Say ‘”Roger” Spitfire Mk IA When pilots stopped using “Morse” code and switched to voice operation, they used the word “Roger,” which was the phonetic designation for the letter “R,” which was previously the abbreviation for “received.” “Roger” became the designation for R in 1927 as part of the first phonetic alphabet, developed by the International Telegraph Union. But why they didn’t use received instead of “Roger?” It was 1943 when the term became popular, and there is a logical explanation why. Not everyone spoke English during World War II, and the term became part of the international ‘aviation language.’ Both the British and American military used “Roger” frequently during the war, and in 1957 it was replaced by “Romeo,” but by 1957 “Roger” was already synonymous with received The British and American military used the following phonetic alphabet during World War II: “Able, Baker, Charlie, Dog, Easy, Fox, George, How, Item, Jig, King, Love, Mike, Nan, Oboe, Peter, Queen, Roger, Sugar, Tare, Uncle, Victor, William, X-ray, Yoke, Zebra.” Both the British and American military used “Roger” frequently during the war, and in 1957 it was replaced by “Romeo,” but by 1957 “Roger” was already synonymous with received. Today, “Romeo” is a part of the phonetic alphabet, which is adopted worldwide: “Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-Ray, Yankee, Zulu.” Roger Wilco But what do pilots actually mean when they use the words “Roger Wilco?” We now know what “Roger” means and “Wilco” is just the short form of “will comply. Every information the pilot might get or share with the ground staff can be crucial, and it might save the lives of both the aviation personnel and the passengers.