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Parked Car In The Garage The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini with two flat tires...

Italian Trip A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company-training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?' The husband laughs and says, 'An Italian girl’ The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks, 'So, honey, how was the trip?' 'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?' 'Which present?' She asked. 'The one I asked for - an Italian girl. 'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl!!!’

Someone Was Watching Out for This Guy Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing. The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail, the truck left a 92-foot-long skid mark It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling. Now, look at the second picture below. A December 2006 accident, in which the driver of 1991 GMC pickup slid off the road onto the right shoulder, overcorrected and crossed over the opposite lane of the highway before crashing through a cement barrier, skirting a railing above a drainage culvert, and coming to rest facing opposite his original direction of travel. Barely missing a plunge over a 200-foot precipice by about twelve inches. The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises. Just outside Flagstaff, AZ, on U.S. Hwy 100.

Odds and Ends I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues. Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters. Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned. Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure. Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. Inquiring gnomes want to mine! Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish. Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, others might leave a stain. I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch. If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2? Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime? People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. War doesn't determine who's right but who's left. Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light. Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver? If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left. Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume. If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris? The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive. I like angles, but only to a degree.

40 Brutal Truths About Life That No One Will Tell You So, here we go with the 40 brutal truths of life, which nobody wants to talk about, because, they don’t like it. But, let us be real and try to accept some of these realities. 1. Everyone is chasing the money, but we are made to believe money doesn’t matter. 2. If you want to shine like a diamond, you’ve got to get cut like a diamond. 3. Your Appearance makes a difference. 4. Allowing your emotions to control your life will f*ck you up. 5. Being kind to everyone won’t get you anything big in life, remember, though, that what goes around comes around! 6. Life is not fair – no one owes you anything! 7. You are responsible for your happiness, no one else. 8. Money can buy happiness. 9. Everyone wears a mask, except when sleeping. 10. You’ll be judged, forever and by everyone. 11. Money, fame, and success – can make you happy. 12. People will only be interested in what they can take from you. 13. Some people are just not meant to stay in your life, no matter how bad you want them to. 14. People leave, memories don’t. 15. The past has already been written, but if you read it again and again, the next sheet of paper from your life will remain empty. 16. Never be afraid to love; be afraid that you will not be loved. 17. Many people are together, but not in love, while others are in love, but not together. 18. The word “forever” is overrated – no one is happy or unhappy forever. 19. Half the population of our planet trying to lose weight, while the other half is dying of hunger. 20. People ruin the happiness of others, just because they cannot find their own. 21. If you have a smiling face and a crying heart, you have probably grown up. 22. Once you feel rejected by someone, never inconvenience them again. 23. The one who loves you the most, can hurt you the most. 24. Hard times are generally a blessing in disguise. 25. Somewhere between hello and goodbye, we have learned to live our lives. 26. Somewhere between dreams and reality, we live our lives. 27. We focus on what we are losing instead of what we really need. 28. Almost no one practices what they preach. 29. You can give them another chance, or you can drop them off and give yourself a better chance. 30. Being busy doesn’t mean that you are doing anything great. 31. Somewhere Between Spoken words And Unexpressed feelings, we all misunderstood Love. 32. You will have very few real friends, no matter what you do for others. 33. The most delicious bites are most deadly. 34. Money can be spent, earned then re-spent. The only currency you can never get back is your time. Spend it wisely. 35. You cannot please everyone all of the time. 36. There will always be someone better than you in what you are doing. 37. If you want something, you have to go get it. Once you stop waiting for someone else to give you what you want, you set about creating it instead. 38. The concept of perfection is the ultimate lie. Don’t waste your life trying to be perfect. Instead of perfection, seek growth. 39. The people you spend your time with literally become you. If you don’t feel supported, appreciated and loved by the people in your inner circle, it is up to you to change it. 40. One day we all will die. Decide right now that you will not waste one more minute being unhappy, miserable or disempowered. JUST LIVE! Do you have a particular quote or saying that helps you to live life to the fullest? Please share it!

I Love You… Boy: Do you love me? Girl: Yes dear. Boy: Would you die for me? Girl: No, mine is an undying love.

Hunting Flies A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter. “What in heaven's name are you up to?" she asked. "Killing flies," he said. "Oh. Get any?" "Yep, two males, three females," he answered. "Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?" "Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."

Saddles A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Ageing and Erections Two old friends are sitting at the bar drinking when the first one says, "Ya know when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty-five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the friend, "what's your point?" "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Canada Cowboy A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies in Canada without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie. You know how I work...You have three wishes.' 'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.' ** *POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.' ***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon.

Persistent kid A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ‘Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ‘My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you only got an F in sex.'

Final Exam A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said: "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".

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Why Star Wars was better than Titanic 1. Titanic was be big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. 2. Yoda could use the Force to just lift Titanic out of the water. 3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a diplomat, a freedom fighter, a brilliant strategist, and Jedi material; Rose is just cute marriage bait. 4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. 5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn't say "WOW! Look at the size of that thing!" with any sincerity. 6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by an evil madman with a lightsabre as opposed to an idiot with a handgun. 7. Titanic is egalitarian in that it portrays poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to the rank of Admiral. 8. We know Cal is the bad guy because he greases his hair, sneers at the poor, and treats his fiancée like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he wears an ominous, voluminous black cape and mysterious mask, strangles people with a glance and blows up entire planets for sport. 9. Yeah, okay, so Leo can dance...but can he fly an X-wing? 10. People have never lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner. 11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut. Now c'mon...who's really the brave one here? 12. Look at some of the Cast: Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker), Harrison Ford (Han Solo), Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia), Peter Cushing OBE (Grand Moff Tarkin) and Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE (Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi). 13. There are always more than enough escape pods in Star Wars. 14. Do you have any idea what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"? 15. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would either... A: Cut himself free with his lightsaber; B: Use the Force to get the key; or C: Han Solo would come in at the last second and blast the cuffs off. 16. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie." 17. We all knew the boat was gonna sink, but who was ready for "Luke....I am your father." ??? 18. Han Solo would've missed that dang iceberg! 19. Han, though frozen solid in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament, returns in excellent health to mount a successful mission against the Empire on Endor, crushing the enemy and single-handedly paving the way for a brilliant air campaign which results in the destruction of the Empire's second attempt at a Death Star, AND claims the heart of his woman with whom he will live happily ever after. Jack, on the other hand, simply freezes. 20. By being patient and waiting, Luke discovers that Leia is his sister without any romantic complications. Leo sleeps with Kate after knowing her for a day and a half. What if she was his Leo's sister.......ewwwwww!!! 21. Luke single-handedly destroys an 5 story tall Emperial AT-AT with no assistance while Leo can't even handle that old geezer who took him captive. He should've just crushed his throat while he had the chance. 22. While facing imminent death, Luke manages to outsmart the Rancor that tried to eat him when he hit the switch that brought down the gate on the Rancor, and killing it. While Leo was probably the only person in the whole stinkin world that couldn't figure out that there actually WAS enough room for two people on the floating piece of wood. 23. The strongest display of emotion the audience sees from Rose is when she spits in her fiancé’s eye. Leia blows away those two storm troopers that came up behind Han, after being shot!!!

35 Life Truths Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be "meetings." There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. You should not confuse your career with your life. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. Never lick a steak knife. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

College Courses for Men and Women Courses for Women, Taught by Men. Doing Housework Without Complaining Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge Going to The Washroom Alone Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?" Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother Learning How to Initiate Intimacy How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?" Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put it Down Too Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love" "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle You too Can be the One to Hang Up the Phone Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem Runs in Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There Learning to Choose What to Wear in Less Than Four Hours Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases Makeup: The Less is More Theory Nagging: Stop the Insanity! Courses for Men, Taught by Women. Combating Stupidity You Too Can Do Housework P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthing for Christmas – Give Us Money Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM Wonderful Laundry Techniques Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception Get a Life – Learn How To Cook How Not to Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right Understanding Your Financial Incompetence You – The Weaker Sex Reasons To Give Flowers How To Stay Awake After Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom Garbage – Getting it to the Curb You Can Fall Asleep Without it if You Really Try The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous How To Put The Toilet Seat Down How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children You Too Can Be a Designated Driver Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary Real Men Ask For Directions How To Take Illness Like a Man

An Obituary for Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you remember him, pass this on.

What do you call a noodle that commits identity theft......An impasta!

Why did the little boy bury his flashlight.....Because the batteries died.