uk666

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

How can you get high underwater......Sea weed

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea......A salad shooter.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always “I don’t believe you.”

Secret of a Long Life Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Epitaph Adjustment A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. But the engraver told her ‘’this was impossible; as the words were chiselled in and could not be changed.’’ "In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Playing Horse Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. But businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include... 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse" 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead". 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper." 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Men are like....... .....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table. .....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. .....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. .....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. .....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. .....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. .....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. .....Miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. .....Handguns. Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot him.

The Nude Beach A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach… As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.’ The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.’ Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: ‘Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.’

Driving school test answers The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation is driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He cannot see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I would probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The colour. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would hard to be a dickhead all day long.

4 Letter Words A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Nose Picking Dictionary The Kiddie Pick When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! Camouflaged Kiddie Pick When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. Fake Nose Scratch When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. Making A Meal Out Of It You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. Surprise Pickings When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt. Autopick The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Pick Your Brains Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum. Pick And Save When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did. Pick And Roll No explanation needed. Pick And Flick Ditto. Pick And Stick You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip. Paydirt The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Marital Bliss After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

The Philosophy of Sex A variety of quotes from famous people on their opinion of sex and love. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. --Tom Clancy You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. --Steve Martin Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. --Woody Allen Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. --Rodney Dangerfield There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. --Lynn Lavner Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. --Matt Barry Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. --George Burns Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. --George Burns Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --Sharon Stone My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading. --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. --Jack Nicholson Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. --Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Robert De Niro There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? --Dustin Hoffman There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. --Jerry Seinfeld Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --Rod Stewart See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. --Robin Williams

Being 6 Again A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six years old again?" With one eye opened she replied. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."