uk666

Australian Football Grand Final A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to my wife. I was supposed to come with her, but she passed away. This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1957." The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

Wittiest Sex Quotes Ever Sexual humour helps us laugh at our baser instincts. A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Anon. Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around. ~ David Lodge Familiarity breeds contempt--and children. ~ Mark Twain It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. ~ Chinese Proverb Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. ~ George Burns I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. ~ Rodney Dangerfield I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. ~ Groucho Marx My father told me all about the birds and the bees--the liar. I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one ~ Bob Hope I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor Anticipation makes the hard-on longer. ~ Itsby Stevintary The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on. ~ Anon A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are. ~ Victor Lownes A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do. ~ Alfred Kinsey Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. ~ Mignon McLaughlin A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: because everything does. ~ Honor Tracy Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. ~ Jayne Mansfield Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. ~ Aldous Huxley Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Anon Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. ~ Anon I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. ~ Gore Vidal There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex--they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off. ~ Anon Were kisses all the joys in bed, One woman would another wed. ~ William Shakespeare He in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him. ~ Henry Fielding I once knew a woman who offered her honour, so I honoured her offer and all night long I was on her and off her. ~ Anon Nothing risqué, nothing gained. ~ Alexander Woollcott Be naughty--save Santa a trip. ~ Anon I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Anon When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~ Anon

Birthday Suit A man walked out of the bathroom naked. He declared to his wife, “It’s really hot outside, way too hot for clothes. What do you suppose our neighbors would say if I did all the yard work today in my birthday suit?” She took one look at him and said, “I know exactly what they’d say. That I married you for your money.”

Bee Stung A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

A hell of a day A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Missing Wife The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking mishap in the Bay Of Fundy, a Nova Scotian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties. "Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband pleaded. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first." The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her." Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The Mountie replied, " We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!"

Why We Love Children 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out. " Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...” "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!” Five minutes later...”Daaaa-aaaad...” "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her! Son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "the big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

The Black Bra (as told by a woman): I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went: My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?''

A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger. "What the hell are you two doing?" He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."……The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me…Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

Ugly Suit When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

Find the hidden lollipop in this colorful ice cream puzzle People are struggling to find the hidden lollipop in this colorful ice cream puzzle. Hidden a single lollipop in a sea of ice cream cones. Take a look at the puzzle: Did you find the lollipop? If not, don't worry. Hint Hint 2 Answer Did you solve the puzzle? Was it easy? Tell us in the section below!

Puns, For the Educated Mind 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild…Money.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets…..Women.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg…..Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"