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Life by George Carlin (American comedian) Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children: 1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment. 2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced. 3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble. 4. Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind. 5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little. 6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better. 7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong. 8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything. 9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about. 10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful. 11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up. 12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself. 13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults. 14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get side-tracked with some foolish "plan." 15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.

Fishing Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and I whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied: 'Can you believe that stupid husband of my, is out fishing in this!!'

Widowhood In a dim, smoky room, the psychic turned the cards up one by one, and told her client the shocking truth: "There is no gentle way to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Prepare for widowhood. Your husband will die horribly and violently before the year is out." Noticeably disturbed, the client stared at the old mystic, then at the lone, wavering candle, and finally at the cards laid out before her. She breathed in deeply, trying to control her emotions. She had to find out the rest. She could not leave without knowing. She gazed intently at the old woman, prepared herself, and asked, "Is there any chance I'll be acquitted?"

Breaking News A couple hearing some breaking news. ‘’Government is giving £50,000 aid for families with 5 or more kids’’. But they had only 4 kids. The husband ran outside to the neighboring house and come back with a child. He explain to her wife, ‘’sorry but he is my kid, Now we have 5 kids and £50,000’’. But he found that there were no other kid in house. ‘’Where have all our children gone’’ he asked his wife? ‘’They fathers come and took them’’ she answers.

Advice for Women If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section. Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it. Buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. Buy a dog. If you want someone, who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores. Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually. Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... Then…Buy a cat! (You thought I was talking about a man didn't you.)

Things Your Burglar Won't Tell You Of course, I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste, and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And, I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbour to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin snowdrifts in the driveway are a dead give-away. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy. A good security company alarms the window over the sink and the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom, and your jewellery. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there, too. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door, understandable. But, understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But, if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbours. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbour hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it? I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home. I'll drive or walk through your neighbourhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in. Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina, Oregon, California, and Kentucky; security consultant Chris McGoey and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book "Burglars on the Job."

Toilet Paper A woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" She asked, "They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" He says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

People are struggling to find the bunny hidden in a sea of cats in this viral brain teaser — can you spot it? Here is a crowd of cats with their tails sticking up, camouflaging a lone bunny's long ears. Can you spot the bunny? Do you see it? If not, that's okay. Keep trying. Hint Ready to see the answer? Here it is: Did you solve the puzzle? Was it easy? Tell us in the section below!

A recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say, "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in the front of everyone. And last, but not the least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month but not enough to live on!

Strangers On A Train A man and a woman who were total strangers to each other discovered that they had mistakenly been booked into the same sleeping compartment on a train. Since there were no other compartments available and they were exhausted, they decided to share the compartment. She took the lower birth, he took the upper, and in a few minutes they were both sleeping. In the middle of the night the man woke up shivering. He turned over, reached down, and carefully nudged the woman to wake her up. He said, "I'm really sorry to wake you, but I'm shivering up here. Could you possibly reach behind you in the drawer for a blanket?" "I have a better plan," she answered. "For just this one night, let's act like we're married." "Hey, that's a terrific idea!" he said. she said. "Get your own damn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

Gynaecologist A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away, he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does, he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing?" "Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the women next door. Ugly: So are you. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you do. Good: You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He' your best friend. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

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Never piss off a cowboy's wife A Wyoming Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said: "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

Stiff as a board A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."