uk666

Prayer Problem Grandfather: “Little Frank, are you still praying for a baby brother?” Little Frank: “Yeah.” Grandfather: “Well, how’s it going?” Little Frank: “Not too good. I think Mom is praying against me.”

Beer contains female hormones Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men: Argued over nothing. Refused to apologise when obviously wrong. Gained weight. Talked excessively without making sense. Became overly emotional. Couldn't drive. Failed to think rationally, and Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.

Where do tough chickens come from.....Hard-boiled eggs.

Where do butchers dance.....At the meatball.

What's black and white and hides in a cave.....A zebra that owes money.

What does Long John Silver do before going to bed at night.....He puts his ship on auto-pirate.

Who were the first people ever to eat pie.....Pioneers

What do you call an avocado with an antenna.....A guac-y talkie.

What do you get when you cross a kitten with a magazine.....A catalog

Hilarious Marriage Quotes...Married Or Not Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates. - Rory Elder Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? - Janet Periat We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. - Henny Youngman I don’t know if my husband dreams in colour, but he snores in Dolby. - Melanie White I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburettor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. - Rick Reilly I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. - Wendy Liebman How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own. - Zsa Zsa Gabor My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. - Winston Churchill Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house. - Jean Kerr Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters My wife is a psychologist...not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being. - Lee Judge, Kansas City Star Professional marriage counsellors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Canter. - Dave Barry The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." - Anonymous You know your Utah marriage is in trouble when all your wives start seeing another polygamist. - Greg Tamblyn We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse. - Henny Youngman In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. - Molly McGee We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. - Mort Sahl Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner - just so they can have the last word. - Janet Periat I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up. - Peter De Vries My wife assures me she didn't sleep with Tiger Woods, but how can I believe her? - Tim Piper Sex when you’re married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There’s not much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there. - Carol Leifer Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much. - Aristotles ‏@AristotlesNZ I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night or as she likes to call it, "foreplay." - (Unknown Author) Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. - George Bernard Shaw Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men - every month the centrefold is the same woman. - (Unknown Author) I never knew how exciting dating could be until I got married. - Melanie White I finally got married. I have fun introducing my bride as “my first wife.” For some reason she doesn’t think that’s funny. - David Roth More marriages might survive if the partners realised that sometimes the better comes after the worse. - Doug Larson A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. - Anonymous

Hilarious Quotes About Men The male is a domestic animal, which if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper Men don't get cellulite. God just might be a man. - Rita Rudner The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. - Conan O’Brien Ikea stores now have a place for wives to park their husbands while they shop. It’s called Man Land. They also give the wives a buzzer to remind them to pick up their men before they leave. - Unknown Author What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse.” - Francois Morency Guys do not get enough credit for being domestic. This is because the people who give OUT the credits for being domestic are - not to generalize or anything - women. - Dave Barry Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. - Rita Rudner Men...are reluctant to share our feelings, in large part because we often don’t have any. - Dave Barry I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get. - Ruth Buzzi Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. - Rita Rudner I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. - Mae West Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. - Marcel Achard Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears. - Guy Endore-Kaiser Every man over forty is a scoundrel. - George Bernard Shaw Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. - Jimmy Shubert One of the reasons ballet is so popular is that for two hours men can watch lovely women who never say a word. - Unknown Author Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. - Mae West All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. - Madame de Stael In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. - George Best Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead. - Lucille Ball A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. - Rita Rudner Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. - Rita Rudner To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." - Rita Rudner There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner. - J. O'Rourke Men are merely a genetic experiment run by women. - Seth Shostak, SETI astronomer Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead I once heard two women going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. - Emo Philips There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West The thing that women have to realize is that way down deep, men are really shallow. - Dave Barry Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr The simple truth is that guys have this overpowering urge to watch stuff fall and crash. If you ever see an inappropriate object, such as a piano, hurtling toward the earth from a great height, you can be virtually certain that guys are responsible. - Dave Barry Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car. - Will Durst Women look in a mirror, and no matter what they look like in real life, they always think they look worse. Guys look in a mirror and think they look substantially better than they are. No matter how much of a three-toed knuckle dragger a guy is, he figures he’s four or five sit-ups away from being in the hot tub with Elle McPherson - Richard Jeni Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. All men are cheap metal. And we know where north is. - Larry Miller In a perfect world, no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower. - Jason Love Men: Do not ever, for any reason, sing while using a public urinal. This is a RULE. - Dave Barry At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the late seventies. - P. G. Wodehouse Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. - Rita Rudner Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there. - Scott Adams A man bears the same relationship to a woman as a multiple choice test does to an essay exam. - Mardy Grothe A real man can never own enough things that require AC adapters. - Dave Barry When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elaine Boosler Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.” - Rita Rudner A girl told me that if you talk to a man about himself, he will listen for hours. She said something else but I'd stopped listening. - Kelkulus @Kelkulus Men are not listening to you if the TV is on. They will nod, smile, and pretend to understand you to get rid of you, but they’ve not heard a word you said. Unless you’ve said the word “sex.” - Janet Periat Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999-follow women. - Groucho Marx It's gotta be weird, stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it. - Jimmy Fallon, on Prince William's bachelor party

Hilarious Quotes About Women There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. - Will Rogers Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. - Dave Barry The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time. - Brian ‏@JustASmirk Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. - Arnold H. Glasow The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. - Milton Berle When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she's a tramp. - Joan Rivers The secret to winning an argument with a woman: They have to be dead. - John Betz, Jr. All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be. - Tennessee Williams Women are like diesel engines. And what I mean by that is it may take a little while to get 'em warmed up, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Whereas, men, on the other hand, men are more like bottle rockets. - Jeff Foxworthy Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone. - Daphne du Maurier Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. - Harry Haenigsen To a smart girl men are no problem - they're the answer. - Zsa Zsa Gabor America is a land where men govern, but women rule. - John Mason Brown There are a number of mechanical devices, which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. - P. J. O'Rourke There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. - Chris Rock Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. - Marlene Dietrich I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce. - Margaret Mead Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper. - Camille Paglia If a woman watches a movie alone, who answers all of her questions? - Rock ‏@TheMichaelRock What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur. - Angela LaGreca I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody. - Jay London God is the best inventor ever. He took a rib from a man and created a loudspeaker. - Anonymous The women's movement hasn't changed my sex life. It wouldn't dare. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. - Benny Hill If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time? - Billy Connolly All men are convinced that all women suffer from Attention-To-Their-Appearance Deficit Disorder. - Anonymous Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. - Joseph Conrad Women should be obscene and not heard. - Groucho Marx

NEW SEX STUDY It has been determined; the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.....

What's the difference between girls aged: 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story. At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.

All you ever needed to know about work The road to success is always under construction. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost. If you tell your boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Nothing ever is built on schedule or within budget. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. To err is human; to blame somebody else shows good management skills. New systems generate new problems. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the technician. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.

Redneck Etiquette: General Rules 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It?s considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets. 5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist. 2 Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to back on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you no matter how loud you yell. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds will get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Rejected Hallmark Cards I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike! When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop? I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.) Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking? Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.