uk666

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

Slept like a log last night.....Woke up in the fireplace

Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married.......The reception was terrific.

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged......I hear they met on the web.

Marriage is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."

You're Having A Bad Day You felt it...that was your first clue. Then you experienced something that confirmed the feeling you had previously. Next, you see the smooth, productive day morphing right in front of you. Your stomach warned you and the headache is knocking at your door. Here are some more signs you're having a bad day: A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void. Airline food starts to taste good. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. Everyone is laughing but you. Everyone loves your driver's license picture. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. It takes you three hours to make minute rice. Nothing you own is actually paid for. People give you the senior citizen discount and you're only 37. People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary. People think you are 40...and you really are. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. The boss chewed you out at work. The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. The City turns your water off just as you need to rinse the shampoo off your head. The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe. The dry cleaners shrunk your favourite outfit. The fortune-teller charges you half price. The gypsy fortune-teller offers to refund your money. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning. The little league puts you on waivers. The moths in your money belt starve to death. The movie you rented and couldn’t wait to see was left out of the case. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out. The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. The power is out and you go on to work never hearing it was cancelled on TV. The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it. The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime. When you show up at your family reunion, your mom says, “you aren't wearing that to your dad's funeral are you?" You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home, there is a sandwich on the front porch. You can't afford to drive your new car. You compliment the boss's wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any. You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humour is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H. You feel like you have a hangover and you weren’t even drinking last night. You find a note on the table instead of supper. You find the melted ice cream all over the bar because you forgot to put it back into the freezer. You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag. You Find Yourself Sitting At The End Of The Road Waiting For The Stop Sign To Turn Green. You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse. You got caught in the rain at lunchtime. You have an appointment in five minutes, and you just woke up. You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. You hear the alarm clock ring, realize you had set it wrong and lose precious moments of zzz. You invite the peeping Tom in...And he says no. You learn your boss has changed the schedule and you are now going to lose your deposit. You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you. You need one bathroom scale for each foot. You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise. You Push The Coke Button And A Pepsi Comes Out. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You put your bra on your husband and it fits better on him. You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours. You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You realize the checkout girl left an expensive item you purchased on the counter. You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. You show up for a job and your horns are in another case an hour away. You step on the talking scales and it says, “One at a time please.” You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it. You take ½ day vacation and find out your appointment is tomorrow. You think you're coming down with the flu. You thought it was a little gas then…surprise…your pants are moist. You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. You wait on the service customer rep 30 minutes to find out you didn’t have your account number handy. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. You wake up face down on the pavement. You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed. You Walk Into The Cafeteria And See A Septic Pumper Outside The Window. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. Your children's school calls to surrender. Your computer quits one day over its warranty. Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. Your get one free coupon ended yesterday. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. Your husband secretly wears your bra and enjoys it. Your income tax refund check bounces. Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. Your mother approves of the person you are dating. Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself. Your pacemaker has only a thirty-day guarantee. Your plants do better when you don't talk to them. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. Your suggestion box starts ticking. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign. Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. Your wife starts charging you rent. Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels. Your wife tapes your picture to the dartboard. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. You’re running late and you find out your battery is dead. You're so bored you play hide & seek alone. You’re the only one who thought the invitation said casual. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

Funny Anagrams PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: Best In Prayer ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: Moon Starer DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: They See GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost In Me ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: Lies-Let's Recount SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: Alas-No More Z's A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'm A Dot In Place THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake CLINT EASTWOOD: When you rearrange the letters: Old West Action MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler MICROSOFT WINDOWS: When you rearrange the letters Sown In Discomfort THE TITANIC DISASTER: When you rearrange the letters Death, It Starts In Ice BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: When you rearrange the letters Creep Brings Tunes DEBIT CARD: When you rearrange the letters Bad Credit BREASTS: When you rearrange the letters Bra Sets DAVID LETTERMAN: When you rearrange the letters Nerd Amid Late TV LAXATIVE: When you rearrange the letters Exit Lava STATUE OF LIBERTY: When you rearrange the letters Built To Stay Free EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters Evil's Agent DANCING WITH THE STARS: When you rearrange the letters Winners Had Tight Acts YEAR TWO THOUSAND: When you rearrange the letters A Year To Shut Down CHRISTMAS: When you rearrange the letters Trims Cash A GENTLEMAN: When you rearrange the letters Elegant Man LISTEN: When you rearrange the letters Silent GARBAGE MAN: When you rearrange the letters Bag Manager A DOMESTICATED ANIMAL: When you rearrange the letters Docile, As A Man Tamed It A SHOPLIFTER: When you rearrange the letters Has To Pilfer WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: When you rearrange the letters I'll Make A Wise Phrase WAITRESS: When you rearrange the letters A Stew, Sir? GUINESS DRAUGHT: When you rearrange the letters Naughtiness Drug ACHIEVEMENTS: When you rearrange the letters Nice, Save Them WESTERN UNION: When you rearrange the letters No Wire Unsent JENNIFER ANNISTON: When you rearrange the letters Fine In Torn Jeans PRINCESS DIANA: When you rearrange the letters End Is A Car Spin BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: When you rearrange the letters Thus, Be A Bad Deviant CONFESSIONAL: When you rearrange the letters On Scale Of Sin SHERLOCK HOLMES: When you rearrange the letters He'll Mesh Crooks CONVERSATION: When you rearrange the letters Voices Rant On THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: When you rearrange the letters Attaineth Its Cause, Freedom SHOWER TIME: When you rearrange the letters Where Moist GEOLOGIST: When you rearrange the letters Go Get Oils PRESIDENT BUSH: When you rearrange the letters Burnished Pest IPOD LOVER: When you rearrange the letters Poor Devil NARCISSCIAM: When you rearrange the letters Man's Crisis ACTOR SYLVESTER STALLONE: When you rearrange the letters Very Cool Talentless Star A TELESCOPE: When you rearrange the letters To See Place AUSTIN POWERS: When you rearrange the letters Power Us Satin SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters Alas! No More Z's JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: When you rearrange the letters I’m A Jerk But Listen GEORGE W BUSH: When you rearrange the letters He Grew Bogus JAY LENO: When you rearrange the letters Enjoy L.A. CLOTHESPINS: When you rearrange the letters So Let's Pinch BOB MARLEY: When you rearrange the letters Marble Boy APPLE PRODUCTS: When you rearrange the letters Support Placed BARBIE DOLL: When you rearrange the letters Liberal Bod BELGIUM: When you rearrange the letters Big Mule MADONNA LOUISE CICCONE: When you rearrange the letters One Cool Dance Musician TOM CRUISE: When you rearrange the letters So I'm Cuter FUNERAL: When you rearrange the letters Real Fun FLAMETHROWER: When you rearrange the letters Oh, Felt Warmer RONALD WILSON RREAGAN: When you rearrange the letters Insane Anglo Warlord MICROWAVE: When you rearrange the letters Warm Voice T.S.ELLIOT: When you rearrange the letters Toilets HOT WATER: When you rearrange the letters Worth Tea THE COUNTRY SIDE: When you rearrange the letters No City Dust Here MARGARET THATCHER: When you rearrange the letters That Great Charmer GOODBYE: When you rearrange the letters Obey God DARLING I LOVE YOU: When you rearrange the letters Avoiding Our Yell GRADUATION: When you rearrange the letters Out In A Drag ACTION MAN: When you rearrange the letters Cannot Aim

The Fart Chart A Menu of What Can Come After "What's on the Menu" VAIN PERSON: One who loves the smell of his own fart AMBITIOUS: Always ready for a fart LAZY: Just fizzles AMIABLE: Likes to smell others' farts PROUD: Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant SHY: Blushes when he farts silently CARELESS: Farts in church SMART ALEC: Farts when ladies are present CLEVER: Farts and coughs at the same time SCIENTIFIC: Bottles his farts STINGY: Belches to save his ass-hole TIMID: Jumps when he farts CONCEITED: Thinks he can fart the loudest UNFORTUNATE: Tries to fart but shits himself FOOLISH: Suppresses a fart for hours BEWILDERED: Can't tell his own fart from others NERVOUS: Stops in the middle of a fart MISERABLE: Can't fart at all CONFUSED: Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go GROUCH: Grumbles when ladies fart SNEAKY: Farts and blames it on the dog DISSAPOINTED: Fart doesn't smell CHILDISH: Farts and then giggles FRESH GUY: Jumps in front of you and then farts BIG BULLY: Farts louder than others DUMB: Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own CUTE: Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating WISE GUY: Farts and asks who shit DAMNED MEAN: Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head MUSICAL: Tenor or Base, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell ATHLETIC: Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times SLOB: Farts and stains his underwear IMPUDENT: Farts out aloud and then laughs ENVIRONMENTALIST: Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution HONEST: Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason DISHONEST: Farts and then blames the dog THRIFTY: One who always has farts in reserve ANTI-SOCIAL: Excuses himself and farts in private STRATEGIC: Conceals his fart by loud laughter INTELLECTUAL: Can determine the smell of his neighbours' fart WHIMPY: Farts at the slightest exertion SADIST: Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers SENSITIVE: Farts and then starts crying AQUATIC: Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes MASOCHIST: Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles

New Shoes Six-year-old Austrian boy, Werfel, was photographed when he got a new pair of shoes at the Am Himmel orphanage, donated to him by the Junior Red Cross in the United States of America. The little boy, Werfel, was among the children who were brought to the USA after being deported from Israel / Palestine, where they arrived after liberation from the concentration camps. For many of Europe’s children there was a Santa Claus this Christmas. When a big box from the American Red Cross arrived at Vienna’s Am Himmel orphanage, shoes, coats, and dresses tumbled out. The children who had seen no new clothes throughout the war smiled to high heaven. But for thousands of other European children there was no Santa Claus. A young orphan boy broke out into a wide smile and threw his head back in happiness after he received a new pair of shoes toward the end of World War II. 1946