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The Husband, the Wife and the Laptop A woman helps her husband to set up a new laptop. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types "myp*nis". As he hits "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics. The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

The weeping Frenchman During World War II, the Nazi regime incited all sorts of emotion when it stormed into neighbouring European countries. This man broke down into somber tears as he watched Nazi troops march into Paris, France. 1940. The Frenchman crying as the flags of fallen France were marched through the streets of Marseilles on their way to Africa. The man’s face conveys a sense of grief so profound as to transcend our expectations.

Three mental patients A psychiatrist approaches three patients. He asks the first patient: ''How much is 1+1?'' ''1,000'' The patient replies. ''Don't concern yourself with this any further, you have not been cured.'' Says the psychiatrist. Then he asks the second patient: ''How much is 1+1?'' ''Blue'' Replies the patient. ''Forget about it, you have made no progress.'' Says the psychiatrist. Then he asks the third patient: ''How much is 1+1?'' ''2'' Replies the patient. ''Well done'' Says the psychiatrist. ''You treatment was highly successful and you are cured but tell me, how did you arrive at this result?'' ''It is easy'' Replies the patient. ''I divided 1,000 into blue!!!''

Final Salute Wife of a fallen Marine sleeps by his casket the night before his burial. Its a sight we have seen way too often. Family members say good-bye to the ones they love that have fallen victim to war. In the photo, the night before the burial of her husband 2nd Lt. James Cathey of the United States Marine Corps, killed in Iraq, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for her. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of "Cat." The Marines, per her request, stood guard the entire time she slept there along side her fallen hero.

Wonderful Banana Bananas: a great source of potassium, an excellent source of vitamins, and the most recognizable fruit on the planet. After all, you don’t come across many fruits that look like crescent moon. Those annoying strings on bananas are actually important Have you ever wondered why bananas have those annoying AF little strings that you have to methodically peel off every time. Turns out those fibrous bits actually have a name. They're called "phloem bundles." If you've remember anything from Biology, you might remember that phloem has an important function in the growth of plants. According to Nicholas D. Gillitt, Ph.D. in physical/inorganic chemistry, "Phloem bundles are necessary for the adequate disposition of nutrients throughout the plant." In addition to being actually useful, Gillitt confirmed that they are very edibles. Why Bananas Are Curved Dole, the food company behind distribution of bananas all over the world, have the answers. Dole explain how the fruit grows out of banana flowers, which start as buds that grow out of the pseudostem (the strong trunk in the middle). See below: Beneath each flower petal, a row of tiny banana fruits start to grow. Once they're much bigger in size, the fruit goes through a process called negative geotropism. Which basically means instead of continuously grow towards the ground, they start to turn towards the sun, in order to retrieve light. Dole say the fruit does this because bananas grow in rainforests, where there is little sunlight, and if they were to grow towards the small amount of light that penetrates sideways through the vegetation, the plant could overbalance and topple over. So, they're forced to grow upwards towards the breaks of light in the canopy. Bananas Can’t Reproduce The bananas we are all know and love, known as Cavendish, are in fact a hybrid of two other plant species. It has no seeds and has only been able to reproduce with the aid of farmers, who remove and transplant part of the plant’s stem in order to create our favourite yellow fruit. Talking About Bananas The next time you need to impress someone, peel off these terms to show your banana brain. Finger—an individual banana fruit Hand—a group of bananas, which can number up to 20 Bunch—a cluster of banana hands; also called a banana stem Pulp—the part of the banana you eat Epidermis—banana peel; you can eat these, too, cooked or raw Phloem—the "strings" on banana fruit Musa—the banana genus; or Musa sapientum, if you want to be specific More Factoids Commercial banana plants are reproduced by using banana pups. The mature banana plant forms rhizomes that grow into a little plants known as pups that can be removed and planted elsewhere. Miss Chiquita was "born" in 1963, or at least that's when she made her debut on the banana labels; she made no mention of her age at the time. Americans eat 27 pounds of bananas each year, on average. World record for the most bananas peeled and eaten in one minute: 8 Harry Belefonte's "Banana Song" appeared on Calypso, the first album to sell over 1,000,000 copies. The Cavendish banana is named for the 7th Duke of Devonshire, William Cavendish, who acquired the variety from Mauritius and cultivated it in England. The plant became an official cultivar in 1836 before making its way back to tropical regions, where it now is primarily grown. Miss Chiquita Get to know our first lady of fruit In her early years, Miss Chiquita found fame in the fruit aisle as an animated banana. Drawn in 1944 by cartoonist Dik Browne, creator and illustrator of Hägar the Horrible and Hi and Lois comics, Miss Chiquita put a personal face on Chiquita bananas. She showcased a festive and fun personality, as the resident expert for everything you ever wanted to know about bananas.

Farmer A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: OK, but that's not so bad, So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

Arguing Couple An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation. The old man used to say, “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow. To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave. Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done. A couple of years went by, and the man died once again. The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died. The neighbours asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round. “I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” She said. “I had the old fool buried upside down.”

Lion Tamer A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?" The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Women…. 20 Clues to Calling it a Night You Know It's Time To Go Home When: 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room. 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass. 4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd. 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. You've forgotten where you live. 12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink. 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka. 14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza. 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. 17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!). 19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to. 20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors. And another 20... 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. 2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around. 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too. 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago. 5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much. 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work. 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me. 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy. 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin. 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap. 19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink. 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.

100 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through channels, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, s/he can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. 37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original colour. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me) 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station b/c this one's just to skeevy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gary hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's sports centre. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "F**k it!" 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There is always a game on somewhere.

101 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men 1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 4. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety. 6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 9. With a cucumber you can get a single room... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber. 10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber... and see the movie. 12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber... and you can stay in the front seat. 13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home. 14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn... or send you out for Milk Duds. 15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival. 16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?” 17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. 18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore. 20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 21. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache. 23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is. 24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet. 25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent. 26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry. 27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't...want to shake hands and be friends. 28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab". 29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind. 30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind. 31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist. 32. ...take you to confession. 33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. 34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore. 35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away. 37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink. 38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season. 40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor. 42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest. 44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray. 45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. 46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall. 47. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. 48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on. 49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts. 50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?" 54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynaecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser. 55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group. 56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind. 57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations. 58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover... or speculate about your next one. 59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over. 61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow. 63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey. 64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot. 65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower. 68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centre fold. 70. Cucumbers don't count to 10. 71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair. 72. A cucumber will never leave you ...for another woman. 73. ...for another man. 74. ...for another cucumber. 75. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman. 76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy. 77. You always know where a cucumber has been. 78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife". 79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises. 80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 82. You won't find out later that your cucumber...is married. 83. ...is on penicillin. 84. ...likes you - but loves your brother. 85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. 86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R. 87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion. 88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party. 90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve. 91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit. 92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family. 94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School. 95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. 96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian. 99. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything. 101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

The Beauty Of Music During a protest in Kiev, Ukraine, one of the activists stopped to play a few notes on an old piano that was standing on the side of the street. Even during times of turmoil, this person seemed to understand that the beauty of music was more powerful than violence.

Tank Man This famous photograph was snapped during a very tense time in China. The civilian in front of the tanks became known as “Tank Man,” and he became the courageous symbol of the Tiananmen Square Massacre that occurred in 1989.

Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked 10. No one ever steals your chair. 9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse. 4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.' 3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. and the #1 reason to go to work naked... 1. Your boss will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever again.

The Benefits of Growing Older Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Brewing Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?" Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey." “What? Why?” "It’s all over the Bible, dearest." "The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!" The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

Unexpected entry A husband enters his home unexpected and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. He immediately reaches for his gun and shoots him right between the eyes. After a few silent moments, his wife says: John, if you keep this up you won’t have any friends left!!!!!

12 Sexually Titled Lines in the Movie STAR WARS 1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess... 5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought. 6. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper? 7. You've got something jammed in here real good. 8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed! 9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time? 10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell! 11. You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home! 12. Get on top of it!