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57 Signs You Are Addicted to Road Cycling As soon as you take up road cycling, wonderful things start to happen. A big part of your life starts changing for the better, but there is also this insistent urge to get back in the saddle, which keeps growing stronger over time. At some point in time, it develops into addiction without you even noticing it. How many of these signs seem familiar to you? “Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries” is for you. A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering. Biker chick means black lycra, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley. Despite all that winter weight you put on, you will take off weight by buying titanium components If you take the stairs, you reach the tenth floor faster than the people in the lift, all that without losing your breath. There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead… When chatting with your colleagues, you have nothing to talk about if neither of them has been biking today. When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar. When planning your next vacation, you search the Internet to calculate the vertical distance you’re going to cover there. When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop. You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes. You bike to work even on days when your colleagues curse the snowstorm that held them up in the morning. You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit. You buy your crutches instead of renting. You can sit in a perfect aerodynamic position even when working at a computer. You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it’s too hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century. You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 5:30 AM for a hundred-miler. You carry your money, debit card and mobile phone in a transparent plastic bag. You clean your bike(s) more often than your house. You don’t drink beer because it makes your legs feel heavy. You don’t need a dictionary to know the meaning of words such as derailleur, headset, cadence, fixie, bottom bracket You empathize with the roadkill. You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours. You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops. You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe. You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike…you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement. You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?” You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is. You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose. You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better). You refuse to buy a settee because the bike takes up that patch of wall space. You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal. You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle. You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine colour. You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth. You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads. You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside. You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys) You use wax on your chain, but not on your legs (girls). You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components. You wear Voodoo T-shirts all the time, including under dress shirts. You wear your bike shorts swimming. You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities. You yell “Car!” when passing another car, and “Bump!” when you see a pothole – while driving your car. You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday. Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car’s odometer. Your bikes are worth more than your car. Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear. Your current bike is older than your grown up children. Your dream is to own a custom-built carbon bike. Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split. Your kids bring a rear derailleur to “Show & Tell”. Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it. Your surgeon tells you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.

10 Commandments of Electrical Safety for Nurses When electronic monitors are upon thy patient, thou shalt not touch any patient with one hand whilst thy other hand be upon any electrical instrument. Doing so may provide a path for leakage currents through thy body and into thy patient and remorse will follow thee all the days of thy life. Neither shall thou place one hand upon thy patient and the other upon any metal pipe, bed rail, or other grounded metal surface. This too may provide a path through thee and thy patient. Upon seeing a wide baseline on an EKG machine, thou shalt not attempt to cure it by placing one hand upon the instrument or patient and the other upon the bed frame or other metal syrface. Harken diligently unto this commandment or the wrath of the voltage may descend upon thee and cook thee in thine own juices. Seeing a wet area upon the floor, thou shalt immediately have it removed lest thou inadvertently step upon it and become a return path for stray currents. When thou must connect two or more monitors upon thy patient, thou shalt plug them into the same cluster of wall outlets, not into widely separated outlets. Thou shalt not heed the false gods who cause thee to break off the rounded prong from a three-prong power plug so that it will fit into a two-slot wall outlet. Leakage currents always return to ground and if they cannot return through the power plug, they will surely return through thee or thy patient. Neither shall thou heed the counsel of the wicked when they tell thee to use an adapter to permit a three-pronged plug to fit into a two-slot wall outlet. These adapters are the work of the devil and can bring thee only unto misery. Thor shalt not ignore the warning signs of impending disaster such as frayed power cords and broken insulation upon plugs and outlets. Rather shalt thou make these known to thy maintenance people for repair. Neither shalt thou fail to report a tingling sensation felt when touching thy monitors, for it may come to pass in later days that these currents will penetrate in greater force. When thy patient is with intracardiac or intravascular catheters for monitoring or pacing, thou shalt not touch with bare hands any uncovered wire extending from a catheter or any bare metal terminal to which the wires may be connected. Rather thou cover these wires and terminals for protection against the touch of an ungloved hand. During defibrillator, thou shalt not touch the patient with thy hands, forearms or any portion of thy body. Neither shalt thou touch the metal frame of the cart or bed. For it shall come to pass that they who heed not this commandment will suffer mighty jolts from the volts and painful cramps from the amps.

You know you’re Australian if…. You know the meaning of ‘girt’ You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’, you wonder how often and with whom You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’ You pronounce Penrith as ‘; Pen-riff’ You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘Australia ‘is optional You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’ You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep You call your best friend ‘a total b*stard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a b*stard’ You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that is twice as big as its $2 coin You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’ You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’ You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’ You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘U You wear ugh boots outside the house You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’ You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’ You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’ When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants. You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

BITCHOLOGY When I stand up for my beliefs and myself, they call me a /*/ bitch. /*/ When I stand up for those, I love, they call me a /*/ bitch. /*/ When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a /*/ bitch. /*/ Being a /*/bitch /*/ means I won’t compromise what’s in my heart. It means I live my life *_ MY _* way. It means I won’t allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a /*/ bitch. /*/ The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I ‘should’ be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, and try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won’t succeed. And if that makes me a /*/bitch /*/, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. B – Babe I – In T – Total C – Control of H – Herself B = Beautiful I = Intelligent T = Talented C = Charming H = Hell of a Woman B = Beautiful I = Individual T = That C = Can H = Handle anything

True Or False Useless Information (But Interesting If True) Decide whether the statement is true and which is absurd after reading each line, then scroll down for answer at the end. Read the complete list first. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart. Only 7% of the population are lefties. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. The average housefly lives for one month. Toilets injure 40,000 Americans each year. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. Most of us have swallowed a spider in our sleep. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. SCROLL DOWN . . . Answer Did you managed to figure it out. Tell us in the section below!

Coke has at times been bottled in green glass bottles, which perhaps explains the popularity of this particular rumour.

Brave Man DEFINITION OF A BRAVE MAN A man who returns home at six o'clock in the morning, reeking of alcohol and cheap perfume, with hickeys on his neck and lipstick smudges everywhere. He slaps his sleeping woman's bum and says: "Wake up. It's your turn now".........

The 10 Commandments of Astronomy Thou shalt have no white light before thee, behind thee, or to the side of thee whilst sharing the night sky with thy fellow stargazers. Thou shalt not love thy telescope more than thy spouse or thy children; as much as, maybe, but not more. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s telescope, unless it exceeds in aperture or electronics twice that of thy wildest dreams. Thou shalt not read "Astronomy" or "Sky & Telescope" on company time, for thine employer makes it possible to continue thine astronomical hobby. Thou shalt have at least two telescopes so as to keep thy spouse interested when the same accompanies thee under the night sky or on eclipse expeditions to strange lands where exotic wild animals doth roam freely. Thou shalt not allow either thy sons or thy daughters to get married during the Holy Days of Starfest. Thou shalt not reveal to thy spouse the true cost of thy telescope collection; only the individual components and that shall be done with great infrequency. Thou shalt not buy thy spouse any lenses, filters, dew shields, maps, charts, or any other necessities for Christmas, anniversaries, or birthdays unless thy spouse needs them for their own telescope. Thou shalt not deceive thy spouse into thinking that ye are taking them for a romantic Saturday night drive when indeed thou art heading for a dark sky site. Thou shalt not store thy telescope in thy living room, dining room, or bedroom, lest thou be sleeping with it full time.

Prophetic Quotes "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairperson of IBM, 1943 "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Air-planes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, 1911. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

Technology Upgrade I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Drinking Troubleshooting Guide Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Bar swaying. Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar

Grading of final exams! Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: Dept. Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept. Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. Dept. Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year. Dept. Of Religion: Grade is determined by God. Dept. Of Philosophy: What is a grade? Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. Dept. Of Mathematics: Grades are variable. Dept. Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. Dept. Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( a + and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Dept. Of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A