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Computer Engineer You might be a computer engineer if: If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal. If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your check-book always balances If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

Distant Love This photograph showing two lovers saying goodbye through a train window is soaked in powerful emotions.

Before you leave A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the colour didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

The poor gardener There was this poor gardener working in a ship-owners villa. One day his employer decided to further reward him for his excellent work, by inviting him to a formal dinner alongside his ship-owner cronies. During the evening in question, all guests were conversing with one another while the gardener sat in the corner, listening. The employer announces to the others, "this year I sent my wife to Hawaii for a couple of months so she could relax, while I stayed behind working" The ship-owner cronies also joins in. "Ah, I sent mine to Monte Carlo for a full month" Said one. "And I sent mine to Copacabana for 20 days” Said the other. At that point, the gardener’s employer decides to tease him a bit, "do tell us George, where did you send your wife on vacation this year?” "Ah," Replies the gardener. "We sir are poor people, so we have to screw our wives ourselves"

A Man’s Best Friend Most people consider their pets to be their best friends. However, this war veteran shows that attachment can be universal, especially when you’ve spent years with a vehicle in times of war and it ended up becoming a monument.

Achieving The Impossible Taken in 1987 this amazing photograph shows Zbigniew Religa and his assistant sleeping in the corner after the struggle they’ve had in completing the first 23-hour heart surgery, which also was the first successful one in history. His face is extremely inspirational, expressing how tiring some struggles are, especially when we try to achieve what others deem impossible.

50 Technology Laws You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. All great discoveries are made by mistake. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. All's well that ends. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. New systems generate new problems. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. The only perfect science is hind-sight. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Everything that goes up must come down. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it probably needed to be replaced anyway. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

10 Common Sayings and what these really mean Phrases, expressions, and proverbs that we all use on a daily basis when conversing with one another. Whether you’re at work, at home, or hanging out with your friends at a bar, chances are you’ve uttered one of these phrases more than once in your life. What these expressions really mean? Where do they come from? What are their origin stories? 1. Crocodile tears We all know what it means to cry “crocodile tears.” For those who may not, allow us to explain. The expression references someone who is faking crying or pretending to be upset. When they do this, they are known to be shedding crocodile tears. But the saying actually derives from a medieval belief that crocodiles shed tears of sadness while they killed and consumed their prey. The myth dates back as far as the 14th century and comes from a book called “The Travels of Sir John Mandeville.” 2. On Cloud Nine This obviously had to be number nine. Isn’t it great to feel like you’re on cloud nine? How many times have you felt that way, and how many times have you used that expression to describe it? If you’ve lived a good life, chances are quite a lot. But did you ever stop to think about where the expression comes from? We always thought it was a reference to Heaven, but these theories explain the true nature of the phrase. According to one known origin of the expression, one of the classifications of clouds, defined by the US Weather Bureau in the 1950s, is known as “Cloud Nine.” It is a fluffy, cumulonimbus type of cloud. What makes this cloud so special? Well, in the cloud community, it is considered to be the most attractive, which gives the phrase “on cloud nine” its positive connotation. Another theory states that “Cloud Nine” is one of the stages of enlightenment in Buddhism. 3. Resting on laurels The idea of resting on your laurels dates back to leaders and athletic stars of ancient Greece. In Hellenic times, laurel leaves were closely tied to Apollo, the god of music, prophecy and poetry. Apollo was usually depicted with a crown of laurel leaves, and the plant eventually became a symbol of status and achievement. Victorious athletes at the ancient Pythian Games received wreaths made of laurel branches, and the Romans later adopted the practice and presented wreaths to generals who won important battles. Venerable Greeks and Romans, or “laureates,” were thus able to “rest on their laurels” by basking in the glory of past achievements. Only later did the phrase take on a negative connotation, and since the 1800s, it has been used for those who are overly satisfied with past triumphs. 4. Paint the town red The phrase “paint the town red” most likely owes its origin to one legendary night of drunkenness. In 1837, the Marquis of Waterford—a known lush and mischief maker—led a group of friends on a night of drinking through the English town of Melton Mowbray. The bender culminated in vandalism after Waterford and his fellow revellers knocked over flowerpots, pulled knockers off of doors and broke the windows of some of the town’s buildings. To top it all off, the mob literally painted a tollgate, the doors of several homes and a swan statue with red paint. The marquis and his pranksters later compensated Melton for the damages, but their drunken escapade is likely the reason that “paint the town red” became shorthand for a wild night out. Still yet another theory suggests the phrase was actually born out of the brothels of the American West, and referred to men behaving as though their whole town were a red-light district. 5. What’s Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander This proverb is saying, anything good enough for a man (the gander) should be good enough for a woman (the goose). In our progressive times today, we no longer think in these terms. But a long time ago, they did. Interestingly enough, the original expression was “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.” 6. A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush According to this popular proverb, it is sometimes better to have a lesser advantage if that advantage has a more certain outcome than to seek a greater advantage that could come to nothing. So where does this interesting expression come from? It goes all the way back to the art of medieval falconry. A “bird in the hand” refers to the dominant species, the falcon, and “two in the bush” is the falcon’s prey. In that instance, it is worth more to be the falcon than to be the thing that falcons are hunting. Therefore, you would rather be a bird in the hand than two in the bush. The first known use of the proverb goes back to 1670 when John Ray used it in an A Handbook of Proverbs. 7. It’s Raining Cats And Dogs A long time ago, houses had thatched roofs. These roofs had thick straw piled together to form a ceiling but contained no wood underneath. On cold nights, the animals would search for warmth in their surroundings. According to one theory, the most reliable place was on top of that thatched roof with the pile of straw. Animals like dogs, cats, mice, and rats climbed on these roofs to sleep in a warm place. Bugs went there, too. Unfortunately, when it rained, the thatched roofs got so slippery that the cats and dogs would slip and fall off the roofs. So, when it rained heavily, it would literally rain cats and dogs (and mice and bugs, but that doesn’t sound as nice). That’s one possible origin of this phrase. But many people feel that this story has been debunked over the years. Apparently, the animals would have had to lie on the outside of a thatched roof, which is a silly place to seek shelter during heavy rain. So the origin of this phrase remains unclear. There are many alternative theories, including a popular one from Norse mythology. The Norse story features the storm god Odin, who was attended by dogs and wolves. It also has witches in it, who rode on their brooms with black cats during storms. When Odin became angry and caused a storm, cats were said to bring the rain and dogs brought the wind. 8. Don’t Throw The Baby Out With The Bathwater This strange expression dates all the way back to the 1500s. Believe it or not, people in the 16th century only bathed once a year! To make matters worse, entire groups of people used the same bath and the same water. The water was not changed as each person took turns bathing. The men would go first, the women were second, and the children and babies went last. You can imagine how dirty that water was by the time the babies turn comes. In fact, it was so filthy that the water became clouded. Sometimes, mothers had to make sure that the babies weren’t literally thrown out with the dirty bathwater. The phrase, “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater,” now means that you should make sure you don’t throw out anything valuable while disposing of unnecessary things. Nothing is more valuable than a new-born baby is, so the phrase still rings true today. 9. Cat Got Your Tongue. Often recited with a smirk, this expression has an interesting background and origin story. “Cat got your tongue?” is a line we use when reacting to someone who has been silenced or is at a loss for words. So, what does it mean? Well, surprisingly, it has nothing do with cats. In the English navy, punishments were handed out in the form of flogging, which was done with a whip known, as a cat-o’-nine-tails. It was quite the weapon. The pain was so bad that it caused its victims to go mute. They would be afraid to speak and would often remain silent for a long period of time after the flogging. Drunken navy sailors would then walk around yelling, “Cat got your tongue?” as a way of taunting the victims. So, next time you are left speechless because someone made a really good point, remember that it could be much worse. 10. Turn a blind eye The phrase “turn a blind eye”—often used to refer to a wilful refusal to acknowledge a particular reality—dates back to a legendary chapter in the career of the British naval hero Horatio Nelson. During 1801’s Battle of Copenhagen, Nelson’s ships were pitted against a large Danish-Norwegian fleet. When his more conservative superior officer flagged for him to withdraw, the one-eyed Nelson supposedly brought his telescope to his bad eye and blithely proclaimed, “I really do not see the signal.” He went on to score a decisive victory. Some historians have since dismissed Nelson’s famous quip as merely a battlefield myth, but the phrase “turn a blind eye” persists to this day.

The Dictionary Of Performance Evaluations Terms AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one-step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nit-picker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hardheaded. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock-watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

Murphy's real estate laws That sweet little girl with the baby that you rented to, will start dating the mad motorcycle man from hell ... and several of his friends ... the very next week. Tenants have at least one relative get sick or die per month, so ... they will just have to pay you later. If the house has an alarm system; you will set it off. If a tenant attempts to replace the washer in a faucet, plan on replacing the faucet; perhaps all the plumbing in the building. Prospective tenants who make an appointment to see your rental across town, often get kidnapped on the way there... so there was just no way they could call you. Tenants only lock themselves out in the middle of the night... or on Christmas. When a furnace breaks in mid-winter, it is always the heat exchange. At least one tenant's check will be "lost in the mail" every month. Every lost pet will find its way to your rental. The hardware store closes five minutes before you get there. A tenant's ability to see dirt and damage is much greater when the move in than when they move out. Your best tenants always get job transfers during the worst rental markets. Everything in your rentals will break 100 times faster than in your own home. The insurance inspector always shows up to take photos of the building as you are putting the evicted tenant’s possessions on the curb. Tenants always swear under oath that the window was broken when they moved in. When a tenant calls and says, "Hi, how are you?" something is drastically wrong. If it exists, your tenant will try to flush it down the toilet. If you have any questions about anything, ask your tenants. If it is pouring rain, you can be sure the windows are open at one or more at your units. Proper disposal of chewing gum is in the carpet

Pictures That Perfectly Capture Strong Emotions 1. A monkey holds her child who just fell from high up 2. A regular day in the life of an introvert 3. This brave boy is not afraid of a vaccination 4. Not everyone is happy to see the new pup 5. This dog thought he was the biggest in the park 6. This girl didn’t expect such a huge portion 7. This guy is just relaxing in the company of his best friend 8. She turned back and saw what's behind

My wife wants a life size statue of Bambi in the garden.......Personally, I think it's a little deer.

The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke weed.......I said no. I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators....... I'm taking steps to avoid them.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.......That came out of nowhere.

I decided to take the wing mirrors off my car last week......I haven’t looked back since.

Doctor: So Mr Jenkins, I have these amazing new pills that will stop your diarrhoea issues immediately!......Mr Jenkins: No shit!

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday......I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Poop jokes aren’t my favourite kind of jokes..But they’re a solid number two.

My friend is a professional sleep walker.......He is living the dream.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said, “I think I'm going to call it a day."

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me......So I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.