uk666

Boycott shampoo……Demand the REAL poo!

What did one Frenchman say to the other……I have no idea; I don't speak French.

Borrow money from a pessimist……They don't expect it back.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

What's the difference between love and marriage……Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.

What do you call a thieving alligator……A crookodile.

The Doggy Dictionary LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” — especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house for your person to play with by putting back in the wastebasket when they come home. BARK: A sound you can make to get your human's attention. If you bark long enough, they will comply. THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, peeing on the rug, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels. DOG EAR: An expression you make when you let one ear stand up and the other flop down because your human is talking a bunch of nonsense. ANKLE BITERS: A small dog or toddler that has no patience when annoyed. DOG TIRED: When we sit or drag behind humans on a walk so they will pick us up and carry us instead. LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs until your person makes you stop. DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps. GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort manoeuvre used when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above). DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls, and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you complete the exercise by prancing away. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return. DOGGIES BAG: When we get take-out dinner. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread. We hope you enjoyed the dog dictionary. If your adorable dog has any special meanings for words, be sure to share them with us.

Tastes Like Mud A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says: “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

Contact Lenses Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Sky-hawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, the person trying to wear glasses with only one ear must be pretty stupid, in fact a complete idiot."

Burial The funeral officiant recites prayers, readings and the body is lowered into the ground. The graveside service just barely finished. When there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said: 'Well, she got there!'

Curriculum Vitae My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So, then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-centre), but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

What is Claustrophobia……The fear of Santa Claus.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer……A hot dog.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

What did the judge say to the dentist……Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Be nice to your kids……They'll choose your nursing home.