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Performance Evaluations "Quotes" [allegedly] taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations... Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity I would not allow this employee to breed This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle This young lady has delusions of adequacy He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot This employee should go far, and the sooner the better Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier I would like to go hunting with him sometime He's been working with glue too much He would argue with a signpost He has knack for making strangers immediately He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens A prime candidate for natural deselection Donated his brain to science before he was done using it Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean One neuron short of a synapse Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

The World’s Biggest Lies The check is in the mail. People remember your birthday. I'll respect you in the morning. There is a single in your area that wants to talk to you. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. You have to either support something or be against it. It's only a cold sore. Your browsers "do not track" prevents websites from tracking you. You get this one, I'll pay next time. LOL - No, you didn’t. Your facial muscles probably barely twitched. My wife doesn't understand me. Adware falsified your husbands/wife internet history. Trust me, I'll take care of everything. Yes, I am over 18 years old. Of course I love you. I have read and accepted the terms and conditions. I am getting a divorce. Microsoft wants remote access to your computer so that they can remove a virus. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. Vaccines cause autism. I never inhaled. All your friends have amazing lives. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. You will make a difference by signing that online petition. I never watch television except for PBS. Your academic achievements matter. ...But we can still be good friends. Your parents will support you whatever you do. She means nothing to me. Click here to claim your prize. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." Your school bully will end up in a worse job than you will. I gave at the office. Sorry my phone was on silent. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I don’t care about your past. I'll call you later. You look good in everything. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. We're almost there. Read my lips: no new taxes. Television gives you square eyes. I've never done anything like this before. I am not a crook Now, I'm going to tell you the truth. It's supposed to make that noise. Yes, I did. Please accept this enormous wooden horse as a token of peace. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

Ernest Shackleton Quiz A quiz on what you know about Ernest Shackleton and his voyages to Antarctica. 1. In which country was Ernest Shackleton born? England Ireland Scotland Wales 2. Shackleton first went to Antarctica in what year? 1901 1907 1914 1917 3. How close did Shackleton get to the South Pole on his own expedition in 1909? 907 miles 409 miles 97 miles 17 miles 4. What was the name of the ship on Shackleton's own first Antarctic expedition? Discovery Terra Nova Endurance Nimrod 5. What was Shackleton trying to do on the Endurance Expedition? Reach the South Pole Cross Antarctica from coast to coast via the South Pole Sail right around Antarctica Climb the highest mountain in Antarctica 6. How was the ship Endurance lost? Crushed by moving pack ice Hit an ice berg Ran aground on rocks 7. Who was Mrs. Chippy? The ships cook The ships carpenters wife One of the sled dogs The ships cat 8. What was the name of the first land that the Endurance crew reached after more than a year? South Georgia South Orkneys Elephant Island Brabant Island 9. What was unusual about Perce Blackborow on the Endurance? He had a pet parrot He was the only ever stow-away on an Antarctic expedition He was the only member of the crew who wasn't English He was the only member of the crew who hadn't been to Antarctica before 10. Shackleton and 5 others set off to get rescue for the rest of the crew, where did they go to? South Georgia South Orkneys Elephant Island Brabant Island How many did you figure out? Tell us in the section below!

What men’s and Women’s Personal ads - Really Means (WARNING - Very Crude) What men’s Personal ads - Really Means 40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old. Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR. Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back. Educated: Will patronise you all the time. Free Spirit: Will be hitting on your sister. Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie. Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack. Good looking: Arrogant. Very good looking: Dumb as a board. Honest: Pathological Liar. Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear. Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy. Mature: Older than your father. Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested. Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls. Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall. Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks. Very sensitive: Gay. Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once. Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted. Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts. Smooth manner: Bald as a badger. Sophisticated: Arrogant. Hard worker: Calloused hands and filthy, broken nails. Music lover: Wears Walkman 24/7. 6 feet tall: 5 feet 4" with shoe lifts. Well-built: Massive. Mature: Geriatric. Organised: Just out of prison. Home-loving: Too mean to go out. Young at heart: Old git. What Women’s Personal ads - Really Means Seeks knight in shining armour: Husband has run off with younger model. Adventurous: Has slept with all your mates. Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only. Redhead: Bad dye-job. Enjoys pubbing and clubbing: Alcoholic. Wild: Gets pissed easily. Beautiful eyes: Face like a robber’s dog. Athletic: Fat chested. Beautiful: Pathological liar. Contagious smile: Does a lot of prescription drugs. Educated: Been shagged off by everybody at college. Emotionally secure: On medication. Feminist: Obese. 40-ish: 49. Free spirit: Heroin addict. Friendship first: Loose morals . Fun: Irritating. Gentle: Boring. Good listener: Autistic. Large lady: Abnormal obese. Looking for soul mate: Stalker. New Age: Excessive body hair. Open-minded: Desperate. Outgoing: loud and embarrassing. Passionate: Sloppy drunk. Poetic: Depressive. Professional: Truly awful bitch. Romantic: Frigid. Sociable: No shyness about farting loudly at social gatherings. Voluptuous: Very fat. Widow: Murderer. Headstrong: Argumentative. Young at heart: Old bat.

Black Ice Cream, The Perfect Match For Your Dark Soul Little Damage Ice Cream Shop, California came up with an almond-charcoal flavoured soft serve that not only tastes sinful but actually looks totally pitch black! You can choose to have it served in a black cone, top it with rainbow sprinkles and other treats, or even mix it with other flavours. It’s an mouth-watering treat from the Dark Side that looks sinfully good! Enjoy:

What our pets write in their diaries Excerpts from a Dog's Diary... 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary... Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb? GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you are inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy! JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.... POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.. OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z ROTTWEILER: Make me. CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF...

Women's T-Shirt Sayings Don't tick me off... I'm running out of places to hide the bodies! Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. And your point is...? I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Snappy Dresser This woman goes into a funeral home to arrange for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing? But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. Actually he said, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit, I noticed that they were about the same size. She said that was fine with her. So….... I switched the heads

Mechanic Shop A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come and look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor, please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "Doctor, look at this, think about your job, it's like mine. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind' em, put in new parts, and when I finish everything works as new. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The doctor smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “That’s all very well but try doing it when the engine's running."

How to medicate Cats & Dogs How to give a cat a pill: Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger, thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, forearm, and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How to give a dog a pill: Wrap it in cheese.

11 of the Most Famous Riddles in History From the Bible to Shakespeare to Harry Potter, these riddles were dreamed up by some of history's most celebrated writers and puzzled some of its most famous characters. 1. Ancient Sumer: The world's oldest riddle Even 4,000 years ago, people tested one another's critical thinking skills with riddles and logic puzzles. This ancient civilization, located in what is today the country of Iraq, left us with one of the earliest known examples of a written riddle. (Ancient Sumer is also the civilization with the oldest surviving writing system that we know of!) Here is the riddle: “There is a house. One enters it blind and comes out seeing. What is it?” Answer: 2. The Bible: Samson's riddle This riddle isn't Ancient Sumer old, but it probably dates back to the sixth or eighth century B.C. In the Book of Judges, the seventh book in the Old Testament, Samson poses a riddle to his 30 dinner guests. He tells them that if they answer correctly, he will give them 30 expensive pieces of clothing, but if they guess wrong, they must give him expensive clothing. The catch? The riddle was rigged. The guests wouldn't have known the answer because only people who knew Samson personally had any hope of solving it. So you certainly shouldn't break your brain trying to figure it out. Here is the riddle: "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet." Answer: 3. Sophocles: The Sphinx's riddle Written in the fifth century B.C., Oedipus the King is one of the most famous pieces of literature of all time, so it makes sense that it gave us one of the most famous riddles of all time. In this tragic story of Oedipus, who fulfills his destiny even as he is trying to avoid it, one of the happier moments comes when the title character solves the Sphinx’s riddle. With the head of a woman and the body of a lion, the monstrous Sphinx stood guard at the gates of the city of Thebes. She would tell every traveller a riddle, and would let him or her pass, if they got it right, but would make a meal of them if they got it wrong. Despite these high stakes, Oedipus got the riddle right. Here is the riddle: “What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?” Answer: 4. William Shakespeare: The Riddle of Venice This isn’t a riddle for Shakespeare’s readers to solve, but rather one that tricked some of his characters. In the Bard's famous comedy The Merchant of Venice, the father of the young heiress Portia concocts a puzzle to ensure that his daughter marries a worthy suitor. He requires that any suitor must choose one of three caskets: one casket is gold, one is silver, and one is made of lead. One casket has a photo of Portia inside it, and only the suitor who chooses that casket may marry her. Here are the clues the suitors must use to decide: On the gold casket: "Who chooseth me shall gain what many men desire.” On the silver casket: “Who chooseth me shall get as much as he deserves.” On the lead casket: “Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.” Answer: 5. Eighteenth-century England: A riddle with a vengeance This riddle, known as "As I was going to St. Ives," began as a nursery rhyme in the seventeenth century. St. Ives is a fishing town in Cornwall. Though its earliest appearance was in a 1730 manuscript, it's most famous for its appearance in the Die Hard threequel, Die Hard With a Vengeance. The villain asks Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson to solve it in 30 seconds or a bomb will go off on a crowded city block. Now that's an enduring riddle: one that went from a children's rhyme to an action blockbuster. Here is the riddle: "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives, Each wife had seven sacks, Each sack had seven cats, Each cat had seven kits: Kits, cats, sacks, and wives, How many were there going to St. Ives?" Answer: 6. Jane Austen: Emma's riddle In Austen's 1815 novel Emma, the title character outwits a mercenary suitor when she successfully solves his riddle. Think of this one in two parts, and, for another hint, think of what the suitor is doing. Here is the riddle: “My first displays the wealth and pomp of kings, Lords of the earth! their luxury and ease. Another view of man, my second brings, Behold him there, the monarch of the seas!” Answer: 7. Lewis Carroll: Alice's Riddle in Wonderland Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, published in 1865, is chock-full of nonsense, and this riddle is no exception. When Alice is at the Mad Tea Party, the Hatter himself asks this perplexing question. Riddle-solvers, beware: don't expect a straight answer from anyone in Wonderland. Here is the riddle: "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" Answer: 8. Albert Einstein: A fishy riddle While this isn't a literary riddle, it's certainly gone down in history as one of the most famous ever because of its supposed creator: Albert Einstein. Though it's never been outright proven that a young Einstein created this riddle, legend has it that he did—and that he predicted that only two percent of people would be able to crack it. The question is who owns the fish? Here are the clues: There are five houses in a row. Each house is painted a different color and has a person of a different nationality living in it. Each person drinks a different beverage, smokes a different type of cigar, and owns a different animal as a pet. Using these 15 clues, which person owns the pet fish? The Brit lives in the red house. The Swede has a pet dog. The Dane drinks tea. The green house is directly to the left of the white house. The person in the green house drinks coffee. The person who smokes Pall Mall has a pet bird. The person in the yellow house smokes Dunhill cigars. The person in the center house drinks milk. The Norwegian lives in the first house. The person who smokes Blends lives next to the person with the pet cat. The person with the pet horse lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill. The person who smokes BlueMaster drinks beer. The German smokes Prince. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house. The person who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water. Answer: 9. Ulysses: A riddle among riddles This stumper comes from James Joyce's twentieth-century behemoth of a novel, Ulysses. Stephen Dedalus, the character who is supposed to represent Joyce himself, is teaching a class on Roman history and poses a riddle to his students. The answer is so specific, and the fictional students so confused, that most scholars who read Ulysses come to the conclusion that Joyce was poking fun at riddles and at people who take them way too seriously. Here it is: “The cock crew, The sky was blue: The bells in heaven Were striking eleven. ‘Tis time for this poor soul To go to heaven.” Answer: 10. The Hobbit: Gollum’s final riddle In this 1937 precursor to The Lord of the Rings, Bilbo Baggins, the titular Hobbit, finds himself riddle-solving for his life to escape from the underground lair of the evil Gollum. Gollum tells Bilbo he'll grant him safe passage if he solves five separate riddles, the last of which is this; Here are the clues: This thing all things devours, Birds, beasts, trees, and flowers. Gnaws iron bites steel, Grinds hard stones to meal, Slays king, ruins town, And beats high mountain down Answer: 11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: The other Sphinx’s riddle In the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter series, the young wizard must take part in the Triwizard Tournament, a dangerous magical competition. For the final task, he has to make his way through an obstacle-filled maze. One of the obstacles is a Sphinx who won't let Harry pass until he solves her riddle. JK Rowling, of course, was showing off her substantial knowledge of literary history by having a Sphinx, one of the most famous riddle-tellers in literature, be the magical creature to test Harry’s riddling skills. Here is the wizard-worthy puzzle: First think of the person who lives in disguise, Who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies. Next, tell me what's always the last thing to mend, The middle of middle and end of the end? And finally give me the sound often heard, During the search for a hard-to-find word. Now string them together and answer me this, Which creature would you be unwilling to kiss? Answer: How many did you figure out one on my own? Tell us in the section below!

Can you solve this McDonald's maths puzzle? Brainteaser that has left the internet baffled is harder than it looks. It involves just three favourite items from the McDonalds menu, but this maths puzzle has left people on Facebook scratching their heads. The fiendish test asks you to solve an equation based on three sums provided. The key to solving the puzzle lies in remembering the fundamental rules in maths about the order to do multiplication and addition in. Butuan posted the tricky puzzle on Facebook, along with the caption: '98 per cent fails. Share first, only for geniuses, answer fast if you are a genius.' So far, over 1,500 people have attempted to solve the puzzle, with varying results.

Grandmas and Trolls - Math Brain Teasers You are on your way to visit your Grandma, who lives at the end of the valley. It's her birthday, and you want to give her the cakes you've made. Between your house and her house, you have to cross 7 bridges, and as it goes in the land of make believe, there is a troll under every bridge! Each troll, quite rightly, insists that you pay a troll toll. Before you can cross their bridge, you have to give them half of the cakes you are carrying, but as they are kind trolls, they each give you back a single cake. How many cakes do you have to leave home with to make sure that you arrive at Grandma's with exactly 2 cakes?

Politician dies and goes to Heaven While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell, waves while the elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted........

Push A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s well pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Smart Words A bicycle cannot stand-alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it is your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-flat miner. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. He broke into song because he could not find the key. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you have seen one shopping centre, you have seen a mall. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she would dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Conference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.' A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Italian……..A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand!!

Did you hear about the archaeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site……His career is in ruins.

iOS 12 highlights: Memoji, tech addiction tool, group FaceTime During his keynote at WWDC 2018, Apple's CEO Tim Cook gave the world a preview of what's to come in iOS 12 – the next-generation software arriving on iPhones and iPads later this year. The company announced its next-generation mobile software iOS 12 is packed with performance improvements. Apple has a particular focus on "digital health" with iOS 12. The company has ironed out some of the software bugs, boosted the software's performance and added a host of features that take advantage of the built-in AR and Face ID sensors found in its latest handsets. Here is a closer look at the new software: Tech addiction tool Apple is adding tools to help its customers use their phones less, a direct response to criticisms it received earlier this year from shareholders worried about phone addiction. A new activity report will track how much time you're spending on your mobile device and how you're spending it via a daily breakdown. Apple is also adding a page for users to see apps are sending you the most notifications. "You can make decisions about how much time you'd like to spend with your device each day," Apple's Craig Federighi told developers. If you need a little help making those kind of decisions, a new setting called App Limits acts as your iPhone babysitter. If an app is sucking up too much of your time, you can set your own limit, such as one hour a day for Instagram. You'll get a 5 min warning when you're almost out of time (and a button if you'd like to extend your time, of course). Parents have extra controls and can give their kids time allowances. They can also schedule "downtime" for kids to prevent them from checking their devices at bedtime. The features came several months after major shareholders wrote a letter to Apple asking the company to add more parental controls and to study the impact of excessive iPhone usage on mental health. Memoji Tigers, koalas, and T-rexes, oh my! Apple is adding new animals (and a ghost) to the Animoji feature, which is only available to iPhone X users. It's also adding tongue detection, so the animals mimic your own tongue movements. But the biggest emoji news is a new option to create an Animoji that looks just like you. Called a Memoji, the feature lets you create a cartoon version of yourself. Users can select skin color, freckles, hairstyle, head shape, eye wear and more. The software will then recreate your head and face movements just like the other Animojis in Messages. Group FaceTime FaceTime will soon be able to support video chats with up to 32 people. If you're in an unwieldly group chat, you can start a FaceTime directly from Messages so you can argue with family members over video. Meanwhile, the camera in Messages is getting new effects, including filters, shapes and stickers. Texting is more fun in iOS 12, too. But perhaps not as fun as 32 people trying to talk over each other at once. Augmented reality iOS 12 also focuses on augmented reality. Apple also showed off a new AR tool, Measure, that turns your phone into an $800 ruler. It also highlighted how some developers, such as Lego, are incorporating the trendy technology into apps. (Lego app users will soon be able to hold an iOS device over certain Lego sets to play a multiplayer games). The operating systems themselves won't be available to the general public until the Fall, but Apple announced an earlier public beta program for eager iPhone, iPad and Mac users. But it's not a full picture of what will eventually come to your devices. The company saves a few surprises for its September press event when it also announces new iPhones. Mojave Apple's next macOS will be named Mojave, after the desert in California. It adds a dark mode, which makes backgrounds black and grey instead of white. Dark mode will be optimal for viewing your computer in a dark room or at night, but it can also be useful for editing photos or other creative projects. For messy desktops, there's a new option called Desktop Stacks, which sorts the random files on your desktop into piles by categories, such as file type, date or tag. But it's still all there -- it's a bit like throwing your papers into a pile, rather than getting rid of things you don't need. Apple is bringing some classic iOS apps to its desktop, including News, Voice Memos, Stocks and Home. The apps' look will be similar to the iPad versions of the apps. iOS 12 compatibility Once the release date rolls around, iOS 12 will be available as a free software update for iPhone 5s and later, all iPad Air and iPad Pro models, iPad 5th generation, iPad 6th generation, iPad mini 2 and later and iPod touch 6th generation. Improved privacy and security Apple announced some new privacy and anti-tracking features coming to its Safari browser. In Safari on iOS 12, Apple has added so-called enhanced Intelligent Tracking Prevention to actively stop social media “Like” and “Share” buttons, as well as comment widgets, tracking you without express permission. This is likely to have come off the back of, or at least due to the climate surrounding, the likes of Facebook's Cambridge Analytica saga, GDPR, as well as reports that surfaced today which suggested Facebook shared the data of millions of users with Apple back in the day. Safari will also help users stop sites tracking them, and will automatically create autofill and store strong passwords for any new online accounts. It will also intelligently highlight when a password has been reused and encourage the user to change it, to promote good password hygiene, and so not to get caught out by data breaches and phishing scams. Apple TV You'll no longer need to log with a cable account over and over again to access content via Apple TV. A new zero sign-on feature will detect if you're on your cable provider's broadband and automatically sign you in to apps that require a cable subscription. watchOS updates Apple Watch users will have more workout options, such as activity competitions and automatic workout detection, and new watchface designs. The company demoed a handful of new watch apps by having an employee workout live on stage. Meanwhile, a fun new feature called Walki-Talkie lets you communicate with other people who are also using Apple Watches over voice. The Apple Podcast app is also coming to the Apple Watch. App Store Federighi nixed rumors that the iOS and Mac App Stores would merge. But the Mac App store is getting a makeover with more editorial content to look more like its iOS sibling Apple is also adding some developer tools to help make it easier to bring iOS apps to the Mac. How to install iOS 12 When the iOS 12 release date rolls around, and the update is available for your phone, you will be prompted to install it automatically. Alternatively, you can go to Settings, General and Software Update. This makes your phone search for the latest software and, when applicable, you'll be prompted to download.