uk666

What's invisible and smells like carrots.......Bunny farts

Why do cows have bells......because their horns don't work.

How do you get a blonde on the roof.............tell her drinks are on the house.

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.........police are looking into it.

Gospel Preacher Asks For Donations to Buy $54 Million Jet A televangelist wants his followers to pay for a $54 million private jet. It’s his fourth plane. A New Orleans televangelist known for preaching the “prosperity gospel” has asked his followers from all over the world to send him donations for him to buy a $54 million jet. Jesse Duplantis, the leader of Jesse Duplantis Ministries, is asking for a new Dassault Falcon 7X, a three-engine jet he justified in a five-minute video posted last week on his website by saying it could go farther, therefore saving on airplane fuel. “Pray about becoming a partner to it,” he tells viewers. “I really believe that if Jesus was physically on the Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey,” he says in the video “He’d be in an airplane preaching the gospel flying all over the world.” Duplantis also said that God specifically told him, “I want you to believe in me for a Falcon 7X.” When Duplantis worried about the price, God told him, “Jesse, I didn’t ask you to pay for it, I asked you to believe for it.” The jet would actually be the fourth private aircraft for Duplantis, according to the video. He bought an airplane “for the Lord” in 1994, then again in 2004, and again in 2006: I used them—and just burning them up for the Lord Jesus Christ. You know, some people believe that preachers shouldn’t have jets. I really believe preachers ought to go on every available voice, every available outlet to get this gospel preached to the world Duplantis is the founder of Jesse Duplantis Ministries, which includes a weekly television program that reaches 106 million U.S. households, according to his Amazon author biography. In 1997, he and his wife founded Covenant Church in Destrehan, La., just outside New Orleans. “It is his mission to reach every soul of the 7 billion people that now inhabit the earth, making sure that each one has an opportunity to know the real Jesus — approachable, personable, compassionate, and full of joy-the way that he knows Jesus,” the biography says. He preaches the prosperity gospel, which says God shows flavor by rewarding the faithful with earthly riches. Giving money to pastors and their ministries, leaders say, is a sort of investment. Duplantis preaches a “prosperity gospel,” in which God blesses people who please him with material wealth, to an audience on Trinity Broadcasting Network, which claims to be the largest Christian TV network in the world. TBN has a line-up of famous names in televangelism, including Joel Osteen and fellow private-aircraft enthusiast Creflo Dollar (as well as Mike Huckabee), many of whom also promote the prosperity gospel. Paula White, Donald Trump’s controversial spiritual adviser, also appears on the network to encourage her audience—often low-income people—to give money and be repaid in future success, because of God. Duplantis, appeared in a video defending the use of private jets with Texas televangelist and fellow prosperity minister Kenneth Copeland, who bought his own $6-$12 million jet from the actor Tyler Perry earlier this year. In the video, Copeland argues that Oral Roberts, a famous televangelist had been mobbed by people wanting him to pray for them when he flew on a commercial flight.

A mental hospital After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuers file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn’t kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

What do you call a missing parrot………. polygon.

What’s the best way to stop a runaway horse……...Bet on it.

27 Old Adult Truths 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning joined-up handwriting really necessary? 7. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 16. The first testicular guard, the ⤽Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it? 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 23. As soon as you find something at the grocery store that you really like, they will either move it or the company will discontinue it. 24. The driving of all the other people on the road has become markedly worse in the past few years. 25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 26. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 27. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? And lastly: I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my releases to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with headphones.... and how was your day???

Awesome Small Scale Sidewalk Chalk Art by David Zinn!

Tesla Model S hits police SUV while in Autopilot mode Are drivers placing too much faith in Tesla's Autopilot feature? What just happened? There’s been yet another crash involving a Tesla vehicle that was in Autopilot mode. This time, a Model S driver hit a parked police SUV in Laguna Beach, California. While the driver of the vehicle sustained minor injuries, the cruiser was unoccupied at the time of the accident. Sgt Jim Cota, the public information officer for the Laguna Beach police department who tweeted about the incident, told The Guardian that the SUV was a “complete total loss,” and that the Tesla’s front end was “pretty beat up.” “It [the SUV] was mangled up pretty good. It took out the whole back end and halfway through the canter part of the vehicle. There’s axle damage. It wouldn’t be worth repairing,” he said. This is the latest crash involving a Tesla where the Autopilot feature was engaged, and marks the third time this year that one of the vehicles has hit a stationary emergency vehicle while in Autopilot mode. A driver in China is thought to have been the first person killed while using Autopilot, back in January 2016. In June that same year, Joshua Brown was the first person in the US to die while using the feature. A Model X hit a highway divider while in Autopilot mode in March, killing driver Walter Huang. Tesla said its own investigation showed Huang kept his hands off the wheel despite the vehicle’s warnings. NHTSA and the National Transportation Safety Board continue to investigate the case. Last week, Tesla settled a class-action lawsuit brought by six Model S and Model X owners who alleged that the Autopilot system was “essentially unusable and demonstrably dangerous.” Tesla's settlement didn’t mention the safety allegations but was instead paid out to compensate owners over the delayed Autopilot updates. A Tesla spokesperson said: “When using autopilot, drivers are continuously reminded of their responsibility to keep their hands on the wheel and maintain control of the vehicle at all times. “Tesla has always been clear that autopilot doesn’t make the car impervious to all accidents, and before a driver can use autopilot, they must accept a dialogue box which states that ‘autopilot is designed for use on highways that have a centre divider and clear lane markings’.” Failing to detect stopped vehicles is a known problem for makers of cars with autonomous features. Tesla’s manual warns: “Traffic-Aware Cruise Control cannot detect all objects and may not brake/decelerate for stationary vehicles or objects, especially in situations when you are driving over 50mph (80kmh) and in situations where a vehicle you are following moves out of your driving path and a stationary vehicle or object is in front of you.” But some owners continue to leave the driver’s seat when it is activated, including a UK man who was caught on video sitting in the passenger seat while his Tesla did the driving. Tesla Model S hatchback Price £67,635 - £127,135 ($74,500 - 135,000) Full Self-Driving Hardware on your Model S Electric All-Wheel Drive Specs Charging Universal Mobile Connector with 7.4 kW capable blue industrial adapter (230V, 32A) and 2.3 kW capable 3-pin domestic adapter (230V, 10A) Access to Tesla's expanding Supercharger network Home Charging Installation Interior 17" capacitive touchscreen On-board maps and navigation with free updates for 7 years Automatic keyless entry Wi-Fi and Internet connectivity Mobile app remote control Retracting door handles One touch power windows High definition backup camera Hands free talking with Bluetooth Voice activated controls FM/DAB+ and Internet streaming radio Auto dimming mirrors Soft LED ambient interior lighting Lighted door handles Power folding, heated side mirrors with memory Two USB ports for media and power 12-volt power outlet Twelve-way power adjustable, heated front seats with memory and driver profile Front trunk (no engine!), rear trunk, and 60/40 folding rear seats with 894 litters of storage Safety Active safety technologies, including collision avoidance and automatic emergency braking, have begun rolling out through over-the-air updates Electric All-Wheel Drive for maximum efficiency and traction Daytime running lights Three-position dynamic LED turning lights LED fog lights Six airbags: head and pelvis airbags in the front plus two side curtain airbags Electronic stability and traction control Four-wheel antilock disc brakes with electronic parking brake Two second row ISOFIX attachments for child seat installations (accommodates three child seats simultaneously: two with ISOFIX and one with top tether and belt) Premium Upgrades adds HEPA air filtration system Premium Sound System 11 speakers with neodymium magnets Heated seats throughout the cabin Heated steering wheel Wiper blade defrosters Washer nozzle heaters

You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while……...then said, "You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks him “What does that mean?" He said……...Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot. She smiled very happily and said "Oh my darling, that’s so lovely but What about the I, J, K?" "I’m Just Kidding" He said

Catholic morning coffee in Rome Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”. The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, Slim, Tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “My God!”

Driver’s Seat Puzzle Where is the driver sitting in this car? left-hand or the right-hand side

Sitting On Veranda A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, "I really love you". She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "Yes, it’s me........talking to the beer."

Farmhouse A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or your mum home?" ask the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." ask the boy. "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. But I do know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he would charges for Howard."

Caught speeding A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

How Files Get Corrupted [COMPUTERS]

Ponderings .. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. .. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. HAVE I POST THIS MESSAGE BEFORE......... Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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