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She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . . I would have gotten out today."

This is the world's most powerful passport And it's not what you'd expect Let’s be honest, it must be pretty great to be Swedish. You have free universal healthcare, free university education, lengthy paid holidays and one of the longest life expectancies in Europe. Now, it turns out, they have another excellent perk. Sweden has the world’s most powerful passport, at least according to a new report by consulting company Nomad Capitalist. Countries’ passports were ranked on how advantageous they were in terms of visa-free travel, global reputation, international taxes and civil liberties. Out of 199 countries, Sweden came out on top, while the UK was ranked 16th and the US didn’t even make it into the top 30. The study found that Swedes can visit 176 countries without a visa, and have the ability to work abroad without having to pay tax at home. Sweden also received top marks in terms of personal freedoms, with citizens enjoying free speech, a free press and some of the lowest incarceration rates in the world. While Brits can travel visa-free to 175 countries, our place in the table was let down by a lower score for individual freedoms: Three out of five to Sweden’s enviable five out of five. So if, after Brexit, you're scrambling to obtain an EU passport, Swedish identity documents are clearly hot property at the moment.

A poorly poured Guinness sparks international outcry The Railtown Cafe, a Vancouver eatery best known locally for their tasty sandwiches, has achieved international fame for pouring the ugliest pint of Guinness. Ireland hated this poorly poured pint of Guinness featured in an online promo by Vancouver’s Railtown Café, but the local eatery got Irish eyes smiling again with makeup photo and promotion. RAILTOWN CAFE Vancouver’s Railtown Café has seen its international profile spill over, as horrified Irish drinkers howl as one over an online photo of a badly poured glass of Guinness. Even Irish newspapers were falling over themselves in outrage at the photo of the glass of stout with a spill of foam down the side, posted online by the cafe to promote St. Patrick’s Day. The photo has since been replaced, after café co-owner Dan Olson said they were flooded with online comments and e-mails. The Irish Independent called the pour “sacrilegious,” while the Irish Mirror said the photo of the “ghastly” pint “caused Irish people everywhere to grimace in disgust.” “One person said Jesus wept when he saw our pint,” said Olson, who took Tuesday’s furore in stride and apologized online. “Another one said, ‘if that beer had a head on it, it would be hanging down in shame.’ That was funny.” Olson said the café had arranged a Guinness photo session that produced about 50 photos, and their social media team put the wrong photo online. “It was a mistake, and it turned into an international incident,” Olson said. “We apparently pissed off the entire country. We were going to board up the doors to make sure we didn’t get any potatoes thrown at us.” Then he came up with a better response: “I’ve said anybody coming here on St. Patrick’s Day with a valid Irish passport, of age of course, I will buy them a pint of Guinness and a shot of Jameson on me. We might as well have some fun and embrace it.” Olson’s café does a daytime trade in sandwiches, salads and pastries, selling mostly coffee and soft drinks, “and the odd alcoholic beverage,” he said. A Vancouver-born chef who has worked in Canada and the U.S., Olson said he enjoys a good Guinness and knows how it should be poured. “Guinness scratches my malty itch once in a while,” he said. Several blocks away at Gastown’s Irish Heather pub, Irish-born operations manager Darren Pierce said Guinness reps in Ireland inspect pubs to see that their brew is poured properly, and they will pull their stock from any pub that doesn’t do it right. “It’s all important, from the glass you use, to how you pour, how you leave it settle, to how you top it,” said Pierce, who went to Guinness’s factory in Dublin to learn the two-stage method of pouring each glass. A neat crown of foam that’s just higher than the rim of the glass tells the drinker he’s getting all the beer he paid for, Pierce said. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Ellie stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

Riddle I am the part of the bird that is not in the sky, who can drown in the ocean and yet remain dry. A last vestige of man that refuses to die. In mourning I am tossed at your feet to lie; I begin my job early, devouring your ankles and thighs. I work my way up, eating your legs to your waist. And though around midday away I am chased, I return quickly to savour the arm of my taste. As evening falls, I enter your lungs, spiraling down past your mouth and your tongue. I feast on your body, your soul, and your mind, but as darkness falls you shall find that away I will go, a relief for some; At least until tomorrow morning comes. What am I?

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe

The Matrix Which is your favourite board game of all time?

Automatic Doors

Technology

False. The next person loves Salt and Vinegar Chips.

My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest roar and screams at him, "WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING!!! ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?" The guy says, "Look buddy I've been married to your sister for 30 damn years, what makes you think I'd be afraid of you?"

The Welsh Girls On Saturday night. Had a few… I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!” So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?” That’s the last thing I remember…

A Blonde's dream A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor. Doctor, "What is your dream about?" Blonde, "I am being chased by a vampire..." Doctor, "So, where are you in this dream?" Blonde, "I am running in a hallway." Doctor, "Then what happens?" Blonde, "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!" Doctor, "Does the door have any letters on it?" Blonde, "Yes." Doctor, "And what do these letter spell?" Blonde, "P.. U... L... L..."

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduation They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Grandmas boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven? Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I am happy with my TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas minister. The minister said, Hello son, is your Grandma home? The little boy replied, Yeah, shes in the bedroom bangin her boyfriend. The minister fainted.

Two Young Boys Buy Tampons For Their Brother Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother hes four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

The Wedding Night Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he’s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.” The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.” At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn’t call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s panamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. “Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.” “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, ‘you’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary’.” The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator’s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s hair was neatly combed and his panamas nicely pressed. “What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise. “Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.” “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, ‘your three minutes are up, and your three minutes are up’.” Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher’s husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn’t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. “My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?” The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it’s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, ‘We’re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right’.”

A girl goes to church to confess... Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"