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The Cat One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are just the best!"

A Smart Dog A man has a very smart dog. Over the years, he's trained the dog to buy his beer. The routine is that he slips a $10 bill under the dog's collar, and the dog would trot down to the corner bar, where the barman knew to take the $10 and give the dog a six-pack of cheap beer in a brown paper bag. The dog would then trot back home with the bag in his mouth. One night, the guy finds he hasn't got a $10. So instead, he takes a $20 and slips it under the collar, figuring the barman will put the change in the paper bag. Off the dog went. After a few minutes the dog hadn’t appeared. The man waits another few minutes -- still no dog. He pulls on his boots and heads out toward the corner bar, looking all over the streets and yards -- no dog. Finally, he arrives at the bar, pulls open the door, and sees the dog sitting up on the barstool, drinking a martini. "What is this?" The guy says, dumbfounded. "You’ve never done this before!" To which the dog replies: "I've never had the money before."

Life of a pirate A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!" "Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

The interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Measuring An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building. These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bellhop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"

A colleague was sacked today for sleeping with a patient and am disgusted... He had just landed his dream job after 7 years studying and training for it, incurring huge debts in the process. He's now been struck off. He is an absolutely nice guy and a great vet.

Canadian Girl Guides cancel US travel ahead of ban Canadian Girl Guides take part in a Chinese New Year Parade The Girl Guides of Canada are cancelling all travel to the United States because of fears girls might have trouble at the border due to travel restrictions enacted by President Donald Trump. Spokeswoman Sarah Kiriliuks said Monday the organization's membership is diverse and inclusive and leaders worried some girls could get left behind when a group tried to enter the US. A temporary travel ban by Trump on citizens from six Muslim-majority countries also has Canadian schools concerned with how foreign-born students will be treated at the border. Kiriliuks said the Girl Guides don't want to take the risk with all the uncertainty. She was not aware of any girls being turned away by US officials. The Girl Guides of Canada said in a letter to members it would not be approving any new trips to the United States until further notice. "This just speaks to the Girl Guides of Canada and our commitment to inclusivity," Kiriliuks said. "We just want to make sure that no girl gets left behind." A nationally sponsored trip to a California camp that was scheduled for this summer is being relocated. The group is encouraging local leaders to consider domestic trips instead. Canadian schools are also considering cancelling trips to the US. A demonstrator protests against Donald Trump’s administration at the White House. Jim Cambridge, superintendent of the Sooke School District in British Columbia, has said a number of trips planned for sports, music and educational purposes in the coming months are being reconsidered. The Greater Essex County school board in southwestern Ontario decided recently to cancel a handful of trips over concerns of equity. And the Ottawa-Carleton District school board sent a letter to parents to confirm whether their children would participate in upcoming trips across the border to determine whether plans should go ahead. Students in the Pembina Trails School Division in Winnipeg, Manitoba, participate in many international trips, but superintendent Ted Fransen said the recent decision to cancel one was made easily. telegraph

Saudi Arabia launches its first Girls Council - with only men on stage There were a total of 13 men (not all pictured) on stage to launch the Qassim Girls Council in Saudi Arabia But when Saudi Arabia wanted to show off its inaugural girls' council in al-Qassim province, they overlooked one thing: the women. Pictures released to mark the first Qassim Girls Council meeting showed 13 men on stage, and not a single female. The women were apparently in another room, linked via video. The male-dominated photos have been circulating widely on social media, after the meeting took place on Saturday. It has been compared to another viral hit - an image of US President Donald Trump, surrounded by men, signing an abortion policy in January. BBC US President Donald Trump signing the abortion-related order in the Oval Office

What is USB-C? The idea behind USB-C is a simple one. You have one type of cable, one type of port, and through them you connect everything you need. Take a look at pretty much any laptop and you’ll see a range of different ports gracing the sides: USB, HDMI, power connections, and several others. This could soon be a thing of the past though as manufacturers such as Apple, Dell, HP, and Asus rapidly adopt a brand new universal standard, one that offers improved speed, functionality, and convenience. The age of USB-C is upon us and the future is looking very good. What is USB-C? | One cable, many uses The idea behind USB-C is a simple one. You have one type of cable, one type of port, and through them you connect everything you need. This means you can use the same lead for hard drives, monitors, audio interfaces, smartphones, tablets, and even for charging your laptop. At the moment you’ll find that most peripherals plug into your PC via a USB-A connector. These are the rectangular versions that appear on USB flash drives, external keyboards, mice, hard drives, and almost everything else. At the other end of the cable there will often be a different style of connector, say Micro USB that plugs into most smartphones, Mini USB for other gadgets, Micro USB-B that connects some storage devices, or the squarer USB-B that most printers use. The problem with this arrangement is that it requires you to pack the correct cables at all times, and you can’t guarantee that someone else will have a spare one if yours goes missing. They're also often darn fiddly. USB-C looks to simplify this by instilling a single, standard format across all devices, and even the same connector at both ends of the cable. The slim, oval shaped connector is smaller than previous USB iterations, and is also symmetrical/reversible - much like Apple’s Lightning connector - so the days of flipping over a cable to make it fit into your device (then flipping it back again because by some weird quirk of USB physics it was actually correct the first time) will soon be a distant memory. In time USB-C looks set to become the single, universal port found on all devices, replacing the USB-A, USB-B, Micro USB, and Mini USB offerings that complicate life at the moment. Every cable will be the same and will fit any device. Admittedly we’re not quite there yet, as most peripherals on the market still use the older connections, but with Apple releasing its new range fitted solely with USB-C ports, the Asus Zenbook 3 and adopting the same approach, and USB-C ports now a regular feature on many modern laptops and 2-in-1s, momentum is firmly behind the new platform. What benefits does USB-C offer? Of course changing the design of a connector and port is hardly a reason to upgrade all your existing peripherals, but that isn’t the only advantage USB-C offers. The new format also supports the very latest USB 3.1 communication protocols, which are faster and more versatile than the earlier versions you’ll find on USB-A style devices. Actually USB 3.1 comes in two versions, Gen 1 still only delivers 5Gbbs, as per 3.0, and Gen 2 delivers 10Gb/s. More powerful. These additional benefits include the ability to provide up to 100W of power to attached devices, easily enough to charge (almost) any laptop, smartphone, or tablet. The new format can deliver 4K resolutions to monitors and carry audio too. More compact. The smaller size and flexibility of the ports mean they are now the staple fitting on ultra-slim laptops and Android smartphones such as the Google Pixel. More flexible. This versatile nature opens up a number of a useful real-world scenarios. For instance, a user could plug their USB-C equipped laptop into a powered external display such as LG’s 27-inch 4K 27UD88-W and have the PC charge while simultaneously sending video content. If the monitor had other USB devices attached, say an external drive, then the PC would also be able to access them and transfer files. When it is time to leave the office the laptop can be unplugged, and placed in a bag with the cable – the latter of which could then be used later to connect and charge a smartphone. All this can be done with just one USB-C cable. USB-C specifications don’t allow for dongle adaptors between USB-A & USB-C, there must be a length of cable between the ends, so this should be tweaked to remove dongle. In response to this need we’ve seen a number of interesting accessories appear, such as the (above and below) that offers not only three USB 3.0 ports but also HDMI, Gigabit ethernet, and various video options. The fact that it can drive all of this from one USB-C port shows the potential of the platform while also bringing a welcome expansion for laptops like Apple’s slimline 12-inch MacBook that houses only a single port. In fact, there’s also an even faster form of USB-C now available that incorporates Thunderbolt 3.0 support into the mix. This means that devices such as the MacBook Pros, Dell’s XPS 13, and the HP Spectre are capable of speeds up to 40Gb/s - four times that of USB 3.1. With the increased data transfer rates available users could attach a USB-C cable to the aforementioned Targus Dock410 and run two external displays up to resolutions of 3840 x 2160 by connecting them to the DVI-D and HDMI ports on the dock. As the standard is so new, and the specifications used by manufacturers varies from device to device, customers will need to confirm that accessories like the Dock410 are compatible with their intended laptop, but a quick call to Targus will bring the assurances they desire. Reversible. Who doesn’t curse when trying to fit a fiddly Micro USB connector or even the standard USB connector end into a device. Apple’s Lightning connector can fit either way, and now so can USB-C. If you want a non-C reversible option see our . THUNDERBOLT 3 WILL USE THE USB TYPE-C CONNECTOR USB Type-C received another big boost in the form of Thunderbolt 3. In June 2015, Intel revealed that its latest version of the port would piggyback on the new USB Type-C connector, giving it all the benefits and a new reversible look. It's not all smooth sailing though – as Thunderbolt requires circuitry in the cable itself, it won't be fully interoperable with Type-C. What is the difference between USB-C and Thunderbolt 3? USB Type-C, or USB-C, is a specification for connectors and cables. Some of the key features include: Symmetrical and flip-able, or reversible. Both sides (top and bottom) can be inserted in the port in either direction, meaning that you no longer have to make sure a cable is inserted “right-side” up. Delivery of up to 100W of power. Supports alternate modes, such as DisplayPort, Thunderbolt, etc. Thunderbolt 3 defines a superset of capabilities that runs on USB-C connectors and cables. In brief, Thunderbolt 3 brings Thunderbolt to USB-C. Here are the superset of features that Thunderbolt 3 provides: At 40 Gbps, Thunderbolt 3 is the fastest connection available. By comparison, native USB 3.1 operates at 10 Gbps. Thunderbolt 3 is bi-directional with four lanes of PCI Express Gen 3 and eight lanes of DisplayPort 1.2. Now with a Thunderbolt 3 port, you can connect to any dock, device or display, including billions of USB devices. IT'S ALREADY MAKING ITS WAY TO PHONES OnePlus, the exciting young Chinese smartphone manufacturer, went with USB-C for its second flagship phone, the OnePlus 2, back in mid-2015. Google then implemented it into its latest flagship phones, the Nexus 6P and Nexus 5X, towards the end of the year. The latter is particularly telling, as Nexus phones typically act as reference designs for other Android manufacturers. Sure enough, we've now seen a bevy of USB-C toting flagships, including the LG G5, the HTC 10, the Galaxy Note 7, and the Google Pixel. Pretty soon, it will be unusual to see a decent Android phone released without one. Indeed, many were surprised when the Samsung Galaxy S7 arrived without USB-C support last year, but we'd imagine the Galaxy S8 will finally make the jump. IT COULD MEAN THE END OF THE HEADPHONE JACK PC giant Intel's efforts to encourage the industry to abandon the trusty old 3.5mm connector we all use for our headphones. You've probably guessed what the suggested replacement would be. Yep, USB Type-C. You might wonder what the problem is with the 3.5mm standard, and where it falls short of USB-C. In truth there are several issues. For one thing, headphones jacks are bulky. Apple famously ditched the headphone jack in the iPhone 7, because it has long been seen as a key component that's holding phones back from getting even thinner. USB-C, by contrast, is helpfully flat.

PlayStation Now to stream PS4 games later this year Sony's game-streaming service PlayStation Now will soon include PS4 games in addition to PS3 titles. As reported on the US PlayStation Blog, this new service will go into effect for everyone later this year. In the meantime, some current PlayStation Now subscribers will receive emails with private invites to test out the new feature. Like the current setup with PS3 games, PlayStation Now's PS4 titles will be playable on PS4 and Windows PC with cloud saves allowing you to resume your progress should you switch between platforms PS4 games will not require a separate subscription, but will be included in the usual PlayStation Now package. It has not yet been announced which PS4 games will be available. At the moment PlayStation Now includes 483 PS3 titles. So far the service has only been revealed on the US PlayStation Blog, not the UK one, so it's not clear if and when the service will reach these shores, but it seems likely it will migrate across the pond after an initial stateside rollout. eurogamer

Kellyanne Conway suggests Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave Mike Kelly interviews President Trump's Senior Counselor Kellyanne Conway at her home in Alpine. The White House is offering yet another wrinkle in its attempt to support President Trump’s allegation — unfounded, so far — that his campaign headquarters in Manhattan was wiretapped by the Obama administration. The latest comes from Trump’s senior counselor Kellyanne Conway. She says the “surveillance” may be broader than even Trump suggested. In a wide-ranging interview Sunday at her home in Alpine, where she lives with her husband — who was a possible nominee for U.S. solicitor general — and their four children, Conway, who managed Trump’s presidential campaign before taking the job as one of the president's closest advisers, suggested that the alleged monitoring of activities at Trump’s campaign headquarters at Trump Tower in Manhattan may have involved far more than wiretapping. “What I can say is there are many ways to surveil each other,” Conway said as the Trump presidency marked its 50th day in office during the weekend. “You can surveil someone through their phones, certainly through their television sets — any number of ways.” Conway went on to say that the monitoring could be done with “microwaves that turn into cameras,” adding: “We know this is a fact of modern life.” Conway did not offer any evidence to back up her claim. But her remarks are significant — and potentially explosive — because they come amid a request by the House Intelligence Committee for the White House to turn over any evidence by Monday that the phones at Trump Tower were tapped as part of what the president claims to be a secret plot by the Obama administration to monitor his campaign. The White House has not said whether it will provide any corroborative support to back up the president’s claim of the alleged wiretapping. The allegation came to light nine days ago when Trump wrote in an early-morning Twitter message that he “just found out that Obama had my ‘wires tapped’ in Trump Tower just before the victory.” usatoday https://youtu.be/etfAfp_WoP0

Heartbroken baby monkey weeps as it clings to mother The baby monkey would not let go of its mother (Picture: Caters) The baby saw its mother being hit by a speeding car while she was attempting to cross the road A baby monkey that lost its mother in a road accident made all those witnessed the scene cry. The young monkey wept sitting near the carcass of its mother that was knocked down by a speeding vehicle near Elanthur on the Tamil Nadu-Karnataka National highway on Friday. "Losing a loved one will be painful for not just human beings. Animals too mourn. We saw the young monkey weeping over the carcass of its mother," said K Saravanan, who witnessed the scene. The baby monkey saw its mother being knocked down by a vehicle while she was crossing the road. It rushed to its mother that lay on the road. The baby monkey tried to wake its mother and hugged her. It kept its ears on her chest as if checking her heartbeat. Soon it realised that the mother had died, and it started to weep. Police personnel, who came to know about the incident, reached the spot. They managed to keep the baby monkey away from the carcass. Villagers carried the carcass to a burial ground. "The baby monkey jumped from one tree to another tree and followed us when we carried the carcass," said G Sathyanarayanan, another villager. Animal services and the police were called, who then took the mother away to be cremated The villagers conducted the final rites of the mother monkey in the presence of police and forest officials while the baby monkey watched it from a distance.

Thousands of civilians have fled the city of Mosul as the battle between Iraqi forces and so-called Islamic State intensified. More than 45,000 people have been forced to flee the city in the last two weeks, the International Organisation for Migration says. Men, women and children fleeing the battle for Mosul, some bloodied and crying out for help. Iraqi civilians are fleeing Mosul, men are required to take shirt of because ISIS tried hide among civilians to carry out suicide attacks Iraqi special forces soldiers help a handicapped woman Iraqi soldiers help a child flee the front line in Mosul young girl takes part in a Christmas Day Mass at a church in the predominantly Iraqi special forces arrest an Islamic State fighter in Mosul A combination of Iraqi forces, Kurds and US-led coalition airstrikes have put ISIS on the run in Iraq

Sherlock Holmes Mystery teasers are little stories where you need to figure out what happened based on the given clues One snowy night, Sherlock Holmes was in his house sitting by a fire. All of a sudden, a snowball came crashing through his window, breaking it. Holmes got up and looked out the window just in time to see three neighbourhood kids who were brothers run around a corner. Their names were: John Crimson Mark Crimson Paul Crimson The next day Holmes got a note on his door that read "? Crimson. He broke your window." Which of the three Crimson brothers should Sherlock Holmes question about the incident? Answer:

This modular 3D printer can turn into a CNC machine or laser cutter Snapmaker is an upcoming Kickstarter project with a lofty goal: to be the holy trinity for at-home makers by using detachable modules to convert between a 3D printer, a CNC carver, and a laser engraver. In retrospect, the idea seems almost obvious. All three devices need three-axis motors to work: so why not combine them into one? But Snapmaker doesn’t just stand out for its modular nature — it’s also impressively cheap. The default Snapmaker costs $299 on Kickstarter, and includes just the 3D printer. The laser engraver and CNC modules then each cost $75, making the entire package cost $449 — which would be a pretty good price for just one of these devices, let alone all three. Snapmaker also claims that it’s offering a fairly high-quality printer for the price, with an “all-metal” construction and 3.2-inch color touchscreen. When it comes to actual specifications, the 3D printing module can print items up to 125 x 125 x 125mm in size at a resolution of 50–300 microns. When it comes to engraving, the laser module offers a 500mW beam that can work with wood, bamboo, leather, plastic, fabric, and paper. And the CNC module can carve wood, acrylic, and PCB at speeds between 2,000 and 7,000 RPM. Obviously, these are some pretty big promises to be making, especially at the relatively low price point that Snapmaker sells for. And as a first time, crowdfunded project from a new company that has yet to ship a product before, the burden is on Snapmaker to show that they can actually deliver. And while the company has posted videos to YouTube demonstrating the various modules in action, at the price that Snapmaker is selling, it’s possible the whole thing is too good to be true. theverge Snapmaker goes live on Kickstarter at 10AM on March 14th.

and So far, we have “He’s a lightning doing amazing run dodgeing bringing Beer and Barbecue to hungry members jumping over hot coals burning through foot and.”

YakuzA

False. The next person is a female

Random thoughts from 25-35 year olds in 2009. 1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. 3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong. 4. I do not understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? 5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you are going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. 6. I totally take back all those times I did not want to nap when I was younger. 7. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with? 8. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in World did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There were no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. 9. There is a great need for sarcasm font. 10. Sometimes, I will watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it. 11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. 12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I am trying to finish a text. 16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. 17. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say.” 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. 20. Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart,” all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". 21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still did not hear what they said? 22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! 23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, "Yes that's G as in... (10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" 24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? 25. While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. 26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood. 27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. 29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 30. I cannot remember the last time I was not at least somewhat tired. 31. Bad decisions make good stories 32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Do not mind if I do! 33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? 34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. 35. Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I am from; this shouldn't be a problem.... 36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you have made up your mind that you just are not doing anything productive for the rest of the day. 37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I do not want to have to restart my collection. 38. There is no worse feeling than that millisecond you are sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 39. I am always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 40. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry," means I will never wash this ever. 41. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There is so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we were not watching this. It is only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' 42. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What would you do after I did not answer? Drop the phone and run away? 43. I hate leaving my house confident, looking good, and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 44. When I meet a new girl, I am terrified of mentioning something she has not already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. 45. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it is on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. 46. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles... 47. As a driver, I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian, I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. 48. Sometimes I will look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 49. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. 50. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 51. Even if I knew your social security number, I would not know what do to with it. 52. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... 53. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? 54. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. 55. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Dead Frog on a String One day, a 16 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to the madam, "I wanna woman." "I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a woman." The boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the counter and says, "I wanna woman!" So the madam asks him what kind of woman he wants. "A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis, crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place." Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here." So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a room down the hall and says "last door on the right." The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string, and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks why on earth he would want someone so nasty. "Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. And thats the SON OF A BITCH who ran over my Frog!!!

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front... The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know." An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew about the attack! I tried my best to not talk but they started knocking out my teeth!" The guard came back in and called for the Hungarian. "Come you, let's see what you know." The Hungarian didn't come back for four hours and when he returned he had been beaten to a pulp. He told them, "I tried to hold out but they started breaking my ribs and I couldn't hold out any longer." "Alright, now you," the guard called to the Italian. The Italian didn't return for three days and he was barely alive when he got back. "Why didn't you just talk?" asked the German and the Hungarian. "I tried to, I wanted to talk right away but my hands were tied"

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven. He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line. While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?" He replies, "Because I chose it." The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line." So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line. Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?" He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying.... A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."