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Bill Meets Satan Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows XP!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

A computer programmer A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

The Wife From Hell A cop pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Well officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the cop writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The cop frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The cop looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's had to much to drink."

Tiny three feet deep house on sale for £800,000 A UNIQUE house which is wider than most mansions but less than three foot deep in parts is set to sell for more than £800,000 at auction. The single storey property is at the start of a beautiful cobbled mews in Knightsbridge, one of the most expensive parts of London. It needs refurbishing But while many homes resemble quaint cottages or have accommodation over a garage, this one in Ennismore Gardens Mews is completely different. It has a 65ft frontage, which will battle most central London terraced homes in the bragging stakes, but is just 2.5ft deep at one end. The narrow property is thought to have around 280sq internal space and a 65ft frontage The property is thought to have around 280sq ft of internal space, which means its dimensions are closer to a train carriage than a residential home. The one-bed property is up for three-and-a-half times more than the average UK house price However, there is a the possibility, subject to planning permission, a first floor could be added to part of the mews increasing the size and practicality. Linda Wildoner lived at the home until she passed away in 2010 at the age of 94 For the best part of 60 years, the corridor-shaped pad was lived in by Linda Wildoner, an Austrian lady who moved to the capital after the Second World War. She was housekeeper to the family of leading British screenwriter and director Stephen Poliakoff and became a popular member of the local community. Residents praised the beautiful garden she created out on the cobbles of her mews. express

Pictures: Metallic Mark Mannering: "Metallic pearl sculpture situated on the waterfront of La Paz, Baja California Sur, Mexico, which commemorates the now extinct pearling industry of the town." Mark Dormer's image of a rusty chain on a beach in Vancouver, Canada, was taken with 35mm film. Jonathan Milree: "I laid some cutlery out on to a mirror that I had placed in front of a window. The main course that day was pie in the sky." Anna Warrington: "Taken in the Stockholm underground - I just loved the strong and shiny surfaces, and waited for a commuter to be in just the right place." Daniel Furon's image of a floating metal whale was taken during Burning Man festival in the Black Rock Desert in Nevada, US. Frank McAllister: "A strange yet wonderful sculpture at Liverpool docks. Still not too sure what is represents, a telescope looking at a monkey? Daniel Simon: a food van on the Palm Jumeirah, Dubai.

Money raised for cancer photo siblings tops £275k Julie and Mike Bennet held hands as they said goodbye to each other for the last time More than £275,000 has been raised for the children of a couple who died of cancer within days of each other. Mike Bennet, 57, and wife Julie, 50, made headlines when an image was released of them holding hands during their last moments together. The pair, from Irby in Wirral, England died last month. Their children, Luke, 21, Hannah, 18, and Oliver, 13, told The Times the money raised had given them "financial security". The siblings released the picture of their terminally ill parents, prompting an outpouring of support from friends, relatives and well-wishers. The trio hope to give some of the money to charity. Luke told the newspaper: "We said it would be nice - we don't know exactly what the bills are going to be - but it would be nice if we could put a portion of it towards other charitable things. "Hopefully give back some of the generosity we have received. "We have said that some of the things that are being planned in our name, maybe give the money towards cancer research." His sister added: "There's other people that need it more than us." Family friend Heather Heaton Gallagher previously said the children were being supported by aunts and uncles and the money would be used to help them through college and university. The couple's three children, pictured here when Oliver was a baby, are being supported by their aunts and uncles Mr Bennet died on 6 February in Arrowe Park Hospital. Mrs Bennet, died five days later in St John's Hospice. A friend said the couple were "very loving, very solid together and entwined" Mrs Bennet, a primary school teacher at Sommerville School, was diagnosed in May last year with cancer which began in the liver and kidneys and then spread to other organs. Her husband, a self-employed cabinet maker, had been fighting a brain tumour since 2013 and had been nursed at home by Mrs Bennet and the children until his wife became too ill to care for him. BBC

McLaren's latest supercar: the 720S with 'Magic Carpet Ride' suspension The 212mph successor to the 650S comes with an adaptive instrument cluster that lifts out of the dashboard on entering the vehicle McLaren has never replaced an existing car, until now. The 720S mid-engine, rear-wheel-drive supercar is the successor to the 650S Coupé. At 1,283kg it is 18kg lighter than its predecessor, but by borrowing construction notes from the P1 hypercar, the 720S integrates the upper part of its chassis with the monoqoue carbon-fibre “tub” (and given the moniker “Monocage II”), which results in extreme strength and rigidity and incredibly thin pillars (subsequently, McLaren claims it has the best visibility of any supercar in world). Requisite supercar performance is supplied by a new, twin-turbocharged 4.0-litre V8 engine that puts out 770Nm, with a power-to-weight ratio of up to 561PS per tonne, taking the car from 0-60mph in 2.8 seconds and on to 200kmh in 7.8 seconds - topping out at a maximum speed of 212mph. The 720S also sports a new generation of McLaren’s active chassis system, Proactive Chassis Control II. The previous system relied on driver input to trigger suspension adjustments, however, Proactive Chassis Control II goes further by also using a set of algorithms to adapt to undulations in the road and changes in ambient temperature. The result is a novel drive mode called 'Magic Carpet Ride.' The reason ambient temperature is monitored is because it can affect the speed at which the oil in the Chassis Control system flows through pipes. McLaren has also placed accelerometers on each wheel of the 720S, so the algorithm, which was developed at Cambridge University over a period of six years, processes the data and determines where to send the fluid. This, in turn, means the 720S decides on the fly if it should load up the system one side or one corner, or the front or back. Specifications Engine: M840T engine, 4.0-litre twin turbo V8, 3,994cc Power: 720PS @ 7,500rpm Torque: 770Nm @ 5,500rpm Transmission: 7 Speed SSG Suspension: Independent adaptive dampers, dual wishbones, Proactive Chassis Control II Brakes: Carbon Ceramic Discs (F: 390mm R: 380mm) Length: 4,543mm Wheelbase: 2,670mm Height: 1,196mm Width, with mirrors: 2,161mm Lightest dry weight: 1,283kg Luggage capacity: 150ltr (front); 210ltr (rear) Performance 0-60mph: 2.8 seconds 0-200km/h: 7.8 seconds 0-300km/h: 21.4 seconds 0-400 m (¼ mile): 10.3 seconds Maximum Speed: 212 mph https://youtu.be/xm-55hn5Jr8

This Monastery Adopted A Stray Dog, Now He Enjoys His Life As A Monk Meet Friar Bigotón (Friar Moustache), the stray doggie who just became a member of a St Francis Monastery in Cochabamba, Bolivia. The saint after which the Franciscan order was established is known as the patron of animals, so it’s only natural that the monks extended their helping hand to the pooch living on the streets. Now he is one happy doggie who gets to enjoy life to the fullest. “His life is all about playing and running,” fellow friar Jorge Fernandez told The Dodo. “Here, all of the brothers love him very much. He is a creature of God.” Friar Bigotón even gets to wear a habit. Maybe inspired by his outfit, the doggie was caught seriously attending to his monk duties: “[Here’s] Brother Carmelo preaching to the fish,” wrote Franciscan Kasper Mariusz Kaproń, who first posted these adorable photos online. “If only all the churches of our country [would] adopt a dog and care for him like Friar Bigotón,” Proyecto Narices Frías (Cold Nose Project), a local animal rescue, wrote in a post on Facebook, “we are sure that the parishioners would follow his example.”

Puppies On Their First Days Of Work That Will Make Your Day No matter how cute the puppies in these pictures are, don't get fooled - these dogs are on a serious mission. The top job roles for the doggies are: police dogs, military dogs, fire dogs, guide and hearing dogs, medical assistance and disability dogs, and therapy dogs. Most canines at work are Retrievers or Golden Shepherds, because they're known for being smart and easy to train. The noses of service dogs are 50 times more sensitive than a human's, which really helps pooches in police and fire departments. Police dogs sniff out drugs, detect explosives and find missing people or objects while using their nose. Likewise, firefighter doggies detect ignitable substances and point to the cause of fire, especially in cases of arson. Their 'vest' is not just a cute outfit - it's their uniform. It informs other humans that the dog is on the job. Remember - despite the urge to reach out to them, you should not pet, feed or talk to the doggies at work. They're doing a serious job that all of us should acknowledge and appreciate. Šarūnė Mac Tuco Trying On The Vest For The First Time Future Seeing Eye Dog Guide Dog Puppy With His Teddy Bear Even The Comfort Puppy Needs Some Comfort Trying On Their First Vests And The Winner For Cutest Service Dog Goes To One Day, I'll Be A Big Police Dog Service Puppy-In-Training Needed A Nap In My Gym. We Put Cones Around Her So She Wouldn't Be Disturbed I Bet He Will Be Chewing On A Bad Guys Arm In No Time Learning How To Read Is Part Of A Training Two Service Dogs In Training. Work Is Hard Jack, Eager To Begin Working With His Veterans, On His First Day Suiting Up In His Service Dog Vest Met This Puppy Being Trained To Be A Service Dog At Work Today. He Had A Tough First Day Puppy Joining Finish Police Police Dog Puppies Little Zuma Service Puppy In Training This Little Guy Is Training To Become A Service Dog And His Class Had A Field Trip At Turkey Hill Ice Cream Factory

City Builds Tiny Village For Homeless Veterans City Builds Tiny Village For Homeless Veterans With 50 Tiny Houses So They Could Live There For Free The Veterans Community Project in Kansas City is taking serious steps to improve the lives of America’s war heroes. Thanks to generous donations from community members, they’ve built the Veterans Village, a collection of small houses that homeless veterans can live in for free. The village includes 50 individual homes, each one about the size of a studio apartment. Occupants are provided with food and necessities, as well as a sense of privacy, security, and stability. A nearby community centre, still under construction, will host classes and counseling aimed at helping veterans readjust to their lives and cope with trauma. The VCP is made up of self-described “veterans helping veterans”, and has spearheaded many projects combatting homelessness and neglect in veteran communities. Though not the first of its kind in the US, the concept of ‘tiny homes’ does make the Veterans Village a unique and economically smart place of refuge. The houses were built by Veterans Community Project, a local non-profit organisation Each house is about the size of a studio apartment, containing a full kitchen and bathroom By receiving proper care and socialisation, they can readjust to life after service and cope with trauma Each tiny house costs about $10,000 to produce Here’s a brief history of the KCP’s Veterans Village, and some footage of its construction: https://youtu.be/OwsS8FqfgkY

Boyfriend claims girlfriend is his sister. Big mistake. When Patrick sat down in front of the cameras, he believed he was being filmed for an audition for game show. When he thought the cameras had been turned off, he decided to flirt with the show’s “hostess," giving her a massage, touching her legs and eventually asked her for her Instagram. Then, when she had a scroll through his photo feed, she asked about the woman who appeared to be his girlfriend. He explained to her that she was in fact his sister. Patrick went on to explain that he’s been single for two years because he’s been focused on his career. What Patrick didn't know at the time, was that he was actually being filmed for a show called To Catch a Cheater – which is pretty self-explanatory. His girlfriend of two years, Luis, ran on set after watching the whole thing, and said: I’m your sister?! You swapped Instagrams with her, you’re putting your hands all over her. Oh and hear it guys, he doesn't even have a f**king job. Patrick then said his girlfriend was “embarrassing herself,” and once she left the set, he continued trying his luck with the hostess. Watch the whole scene unfold here:

White House press secretary Sean Spicer wore his American flag pin upside White House press secretary Sean Spicer showed up at his Friday press briefing wearing an upside-down American flag pin on his lapel. The White House press corps immediately brought it to his attention. “Your pin’s upside-down,” Fox News’s John Roberts said. “John Roberts, always helping with the fashion tips,” Spicer quipped. “It’s still upside-down,” another reporter reminded him. “ ‘House of Cards’?” someone asked. “There’s no promo,” Spicer assured the journalists. Spicer fixed the pin, thanked the media and moved on. But that did not seem to be enough for the Internet, which did its thing, wondering aloud whether it was a faux pas or a real cry for help. “Is Spicer’s upside down flag lapel pin a distress signal?” one person wrote on Twitter. (Actually, many people wrote some version of that.) “Blink twice if you need help, Sean.” Indeed, according to the U.S. Code, “the flag should never be displayed with the union down, except as a signal of dire distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property.” YouTube: https://youtu.be/WGcRnsj6sd0

Steve McQueen's 'Bullitt' Mustang found in Mexico junk yard Frank Bullitt couldn’t have done a better job cracking this case. Nearly 50 years after it was last seen, a 1968 Ford Mustang found in a Mexican junkyard has been confirmed to be one of two known to have been used in the filming of the Steve McQueen movie “Bullitt.” “I’m 100 percent sure it’s authentic,” classic Ford expert Kevin Marti told Fox News after travelling across the border to Mexicali to inspect the car last week. Kevin Marti of Marti Auto Works in El Mirage, Ariz., is one of the world’s top experts on classic Fords and owns the exclusive license to the production records of every car the company built from 1967 to 2012. there were actually two Mustangs used during filming: one kept neat and tidy and another that did most of the dirty work during the movie’s groundbreaking chase scene. The pampered star car was preserved and sold three times over the years and is very privately owned today, while the stunt car was beaten up so badly by the end of production that it was sent to the wrecking yard. The car was discovered last year in Baja California Sur by a man named Hugo Sanchez, its then-white body rotting away and its original drivetrain long gone. Hollywood legend had it that the car, which was the film's primary stunt car, had been sent to the junkyard shortly after filming was complete, but a couple of layers of paint sprayed on top of its iconic Highland Green suggest that it had lived several lives before finally ending up in one. The Peter Yates-directed Bullitt starred McQueen alongside Robert Vaughn and Jacqueline Bisset. Many consider the film's chase sequence to be one of the greatest committed to celluloid.

Crashed WW2 Spitfire flies again after £3m refit A World War Two Spitfire will fly for the first time in more than 70 years after undergoing a three-year restoration costing £3m. The aeroplane flew 27 combat missions between June and July 1944 before it was shot down near Caen in France. The French Resistance helped Canadian pilot Jimmy Jeffrey return to his unit. Spitfire NH341 remained in France until Aero Legends Ltd bought it in 2011. Its first post-refit flight will be at the Imperial War Museum in Cambridgeshire. Aero Legends owner Keith Perkins said he was "totally unaware" of the plane's history before he bought it. It was flown by nine pilots from the Royal Canadian Air Force's 411 (Grizzly Bear) squadron during its short service. Flt Lt Bruce Whiteford flew NH341 more than any other pilot. He had his wife Elizabeth's initials and name painted on the plane Flt Lt (later Squadron Leader) H C "Charlie" Trainor shot down two German Messerschmitt 109s while flying NH341. The aeroplane was described as "better than anything else" by Flying Officer Tommy Wheler, now 96, who destroyed several German mechanised transports during his 24th sortie in the Spitfire. It was shot down on 2 July 1944 over Normandy but WO Jeffrey managed to bail out. The French Resistance helped him return to his unit - having first taken him to a nearby town for a hair cut and to buy some cheese. Spitfire NH341 has been converted into a two-seat trainer plane as part of the £3m restoration. Pilots scramble for their Hurricanes. The less-glamorous Hurricane equipped two-thirds of squadrons and shot down more German planes than the Spitfire during 1940.

Under-Horse: Photograph Horses From Underneath Once I had a crazy idea to take a photo of a horse from underneath, today I have results from my most difficult photoshoot I have ever had. It all started with a project Under-Cats. After it reached a high interest I decided to make a far bigger project. I looked for different examples of what was done on the internet and after no similar results I decided that I have to do it and be the first person to shoot a standing horse from underneath. As I started to organise the photoshoot of a horse, I knew that all I needed is to get 600 kg horse on a glass, dig 3 meters into the ground, put my camera under a big glass and take a shot. Even though it was the same concept as project "Under-Cats" it took two months to organise it all. I have found horse-friendly environment and even made rubber horse shoes, to save the glass from scratching. If last time I needed help from one person, this time I had more than 40 people crew to make this crazy project come to life, which I could not make without them. In the end we got these fascinating photographs that have never been created before. I wish you to get inspired and believe in your ideas, as my team believed in this project. Andrius Burba.

$2.5 Trillion Asset Manager Puts Statue Of Fearless Girl In Front Of Wall Street Bull Wall Street’s famous Charging Bull statue now has company. State Street Global Advisors, the world’s third-largest asset manager, has installed a bronze statue named The Fearless Girl directly across from the Bull, and she stands for more than just artistic value. The young girl poses confidently and defiantly in stark opposition of her bovine counterpart, and is meant to represent the fight for gender equality in today’s workforce. By standing up to the ‘bull’ of male dominance, especially in the business world, she empowers women to do the same. A plaque fixed to the ground in front of her reads “know the power of women in leadership”. State Street’s campaign is rolling out just in time for International Women’s Day, and in addition to the powerful statue which will stand in Bowling Green Park for a week, the powerful money manager has sent letters to 3500 companies asking them to add more women to their boards. They have vowed to vote against any that don’t comply, a hugely important step to be taken by such an influential corporation. A symbol of the fight for gender equality in the business world, she is part of a State Street campaign to empower women

Photographer Proposed To His Girlfriend Under The Northern Lights Dale Sharpe’s proposal to Karlie Russell was straight from a romance movie, and luckily he documented it in a stunning selfie.

Political anecdotes Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes. You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here. Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys. No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please! In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in. The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed. Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went. Oh, KGB took them last night. The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?! The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!