uk666

What do elves learn in school……The elf-abet.

What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree……A branch manager.

A company is making glass coffins……Whether they’re successful remains to be seen.

What does a sheep dog and bra have in common……They round them up and point them in the right direction.

Your Last Day Working You know it's your last day at work when: You noticed the co-workers measuring your office when your arrived at work. A very large paper recycling box was placed next to your file cabinets. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. The Security guard made a complete inventory of you work area. When the boss asked you if you believe in life after death, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife. The receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on you. The LAN suddenly began backing-up your computer every 10 minutes. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. Your assistant began responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever." You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". Three people began helping you write a "desk manual" for your job. You wake up hung-over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party. The company new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you.

Bull A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased, “The bull serviced all my cows twice, then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbour’s cows three times.” “Wow,” says the banker, “What did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave me some pills to give him,” replied the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked the banker. “I don’t know,” says the farmer: “but they sort of taste like chocolate.”.

Roadside Juggling A state trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler on his way to do a show and didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The juggler told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle, so the trooper grabbed some flares from his trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper lit five flares and handed them to the juggler. While the man was juggling, another car pulled in behind the patrol car. The other car’s driver got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in. Observing this, the trooper went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked what he thought he was doing. The man replied: “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain’t no way I’m gonna pass that sobriety test.”

Why are there fences are cemeteries……Because everyone’s always dying to get in.

Did you hear about the beautiful wedding……Even the cake was in tiers.

What was the mummy’s favourite type of music……The Wrap.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas……He felt his presents.

Why do birds fly south for the winter……Because it’s too far to walk.

What do you get a man with the heart of a lion……A lifetime ban from the zoo.

is this is the worksheet password or the workbook password?

Exercise For Older Folk The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following: Monday Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through the morning paper. Tuesday Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of mole hills. Hit the nail on the head. Wednesday Bend over backwards. Jump on the Band Wagon. Run around in circles. Thursday Advise the President on how to run the country. Toot my own horn. Pull out all the stops. Add fuel to the fire. Friday Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge. Saturday Pick up the pieces. Sunday Kneel in prayer. Bow my head in thanksgiving. Uplift my hands in praise. Hug someone and encourage them. WOW, What a Workout!

Welcome on board, and if you haven't already, please make sure you read the rules.

Chicken Gun Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken.

Courtroom Drama Scene: A court room where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounce a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."