uk666

To limit the spread of any viruses/cross contamination, I’ve been advised to "WASH DOWN ALL SURFACES" in my home that I use……The PC blew up when applied power!

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies……Bring out the doggy paddle.

I used to be addicted to soap……But I'm clean now.

Why did the nose hate school……It was tired of being picked on.

I’ve been nominated to do 25 push-ups for 25 days challenge……So, I started by blocking the **** who nominated me.

How to Spoil a Really Nice Evening What makes these questions so bad is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce, if the man does not answer properly--which is to say, dishonestly. 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time. Which was most likely one of five things: - Baseball. - Football. - How fat you are. - How much prettier she is than you. - Beer. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers. 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: - I suppose so. - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? - That depends on what you mean by "love". - Does it matter? - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. - Compared to what? - A little extra weight looks good on you. - I've seen fatter. - Honey I will buy you a second mirror so you can check for yourself. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Note: From this, we can see that any standard male response is probably incorrect.

Flagpole Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walk by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy: 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the Feckin length.'

Man To Man A young man found God and elects to talk to him man to man. "God, how does time seem to you?" "Millions and billions of years are but a mere second to me, my child". "What about Worldly possessions; money, property, wealth?" "Man's millions and billions are but trinkets in my eyes, my child". "Father would you give me a few million to make my life easier?" "Give me a few seconds to think it over, my child".

Fastest Thing Four men applied for the same job and were equally qualified so the interviewer decided to ask them one extra question to display their creativity: "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?" The first man answered, "A thought, because it just pops into your head without warning." "Good," replied the interviewer and turned to the second man, "And you?" The second man said, "A blink, because it comes and goes and you don't know it happened." "Good," said the interviewer and looked at the third man. "Light, because when you flip a switch, the light comes on instantaneously." "Science says nothing is faster than light," said the interviewer. Then it was Murphy's turn. Murphy proclaimed, "The fastest thing is diarrhoea." "What?!" spurted the stunned interviewer. "Why? How?" Murphy finished: "Well, the other day, when I weren't feeling so good, I ran for the bathroom but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"

What is a cat’s favourite movie……The sound of Mew-sic.

What did the dirt say to the rain……Thanks to you, my name is mud.

Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men……Yes, she said, but I wasn’t willing to pay.

What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored……Tweet.

What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle……They rose.