uk666

Never trust atoms……They make up everything.

Analysis Of Character By Method Of Urination (Rude) Excitable - Trousers twisted, cannot find the hole, tears in anger. Sociable - Goes for a piss with friends whether he wants to or not. Cross-eyed - Looks in urinal on the left and pees in the one on the right. Timid - Cannot go if there is anyone there. Pretends to go and comes back later. Aggressive - Whistles loudly, checks on everyone else’s progress. Indifferent - All the urinals being occupied, will piss in the sink. Clever sod - No hands, adjusts tie and waits for applause. Worried - Makes casual but close examination. Frivolous - Shoots streams in patterns on the wall - will never grow up. Absent-minded - Unbuttons waistcoat, takes out tie and pees in his trousers. Disgruntled - Waits for a while, grunts, tries to fart, doesn’t succeed, walks out. Sneaky - Lets silent but deadly fart out whilst peeing. Flashy - Tells rude jokes while peeing, removes drops with great flourish.

Tennis Elbow A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Fingers As the woman was trying to pack for vacation, her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the woman reached out and stuck her daughter’s fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again. When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed, staring at her fingers, with a devastated look on her face. She asked quietly, "What's wrong honey?" "Mommy, where's my booger?"

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life (Bit Rude) The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes" The dentist because he says, "Open Wide" The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown" The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?" The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!" The banker because he says, “If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest" The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em" The mailman because he always delivers his package. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

What is a cheetahs favourite food……Fast food.

Most people are shocked……When they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

As Lord Bath's health deteriorated……His family made the difficult decision to pull the plug.

What do you get when you cross a tiger and a blizzard……Frostbite.

The problem with kleptomaniacs……Is that they always take things literally.

My father has schizophrenia……But he’s good people.

Vodka Two nuns went into an off-licence and bought a bottle of Vodka for Mother Superior’s constipation. They returned pissed out of their skulls asking for another bottle. The grocer said, “I thought that was for Mother Superior’s constipation?” “It is,” they giggled: “when she sees us, she’ll shit herself.”

Chinese Surprise A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter,: "I bring you Peeking Duck."

Rush Job Calendar M I R F R I F R I F R I T H U W E D T U E 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 36 35 34 33 32 31 30 A humorous business solution to the pressures of our instant world! Notes: This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday, consequently all dates run backwards - with this calendar, a client can order their work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 3rd. Everyone wants his job on Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. There are eight new days at the end of the month for those end-of-the-month jobs. There is no first of the month – so there can’t be late delivery of end-of-the-month jobs on the 1st. A “Blue Monday” or “Monday morning hangover” can’t happen, as all Mondays have been eliminated. There are no bothersome non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. so overtime rates can be kept to a minimum. With no 15th, 30, or 31st, no “time-off” is necessary for cashing salary cheques or paying bills. “MIR DAY” – A special day each week for performing miracles.

Three Astronauts Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife. The Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German. The Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked: "Has anyone got a f*** match?"

Interdict I got out of my time machine in the Middle Ages. Everyone was just walking around downcast with gloomy faces and not saying a word. I finally asked someone, "What's going on?" And he replied, "Oh, King John is feuding with the Church, so the entire country has been placed under the Interdict.... no church services, no celebrations, no socializing, no sports..." "hell," I replied: "We also have it, but it is 800 years in the future... We're going through the exact same thing right now as the establishment wants to punish us for voting for Trump, Boris, and Brexit."

What size wood was used to build the Ark……2 by 2.

I know they say that money talk……But all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

My cat just asked me, if I want the radio leaving on while he goes out.