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I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday……I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.

Why can’t Chuck Norris use the internet……Because he won’t submit.

Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water……Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?

Why did the scarecrow get promoted……Because he was out standing in his field!

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper……He wanted to live in the present.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me……By the way, which companies are after you……I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty……Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.

Surprising Ways the Beach Affects Your Body It’s summertime, and this means we’re headed to the beach — or at least dreaming of it. Many of us overlook the health benefits of a little bit of sunshine. If you’re already planning a trip to the beach, this list will help you make up your mind. Plus, we’ll learn how the beach affects your body negatively, too. The good: 1. Stress relief We all know the sights and sounds of the beach work together to relieve stress. But what’s going on in your body physiologically is amazing. When you go to the beach, you get a release of serotonin, which is a hormone that makes you feel happy. 2. Fight off infection Maybe you’ve heard the myth that salt water can help heal a cut or infection. But this actually a fact. Even the medical community advises treating minor skin infections with salt water soaks or compresses. Both antibacterial and antifungal, salt water helps with thyroid gland health, too. What better way to treat a minor infection than playing in the ocean? 3. Daily dose of vitamin D Hopefully, if you take a trip to the beach, you’ll experience sunny days in the sand — and quickly get your daily dose of vitamin D. This vitamin is an essential one. And amazingly, our body creates it from exposure to direct sunlight (UVB rays). You don’t have to get a tan or a burn to get vitamin D. It only takes about half the time it takes to burn to get the needed amount. 4. Skin health Now before you take this as a license to bake your skin, slather on SPF or use an umbrella. Thankfully, there are other ways the beach is good for your skin. First of all, sand is a fantastic exfoliant for your feet! Being in the sun opens your pores, too. When you follow that with a plunge in the salt water, it can clear out acne-causing bacteria. 5. Better sleep You don’t have to play with the intensity of a child to get the positive sleep effects of the beach. Just a walk on the beach is hard work because of the stability it takes to walk on sand. And when your body is tired, you sleep better. Plus, less stress helps with a better night’s sleep, too. 6. Breathe more easily It’s no wonder many people retire to beach communities. But one reason why, knowingly or unknowingly, is the beach’s air quality. People with asthma, COPD, and other breathing issues thrive here. The Lung Institute reports that people with chronic lung conditions had clearer lungs after breathing the salt air at the beach for nearly a year. 7. Regulate your body with iodine We know iodine is essential to our bodies because it’s added to our salt. Our bodies need iodine to create thyroid hormones, which control our metabolism and many other vital body functions. And your skin absorbs the iodine present in the ocean when you take a swim in the water. The bad: 1. Sunburn Most people can relate to the experience of a bad sunburn. If you are in and out of the water a lot — even if you reapply sunscreen — it will wash off. Check out this list of the best waterproof sunscreens. Alternate spending time in the sun and shade, so your skin isn’t baking all day. And find a fun hat to provide lots of shade to your face, neck, and shoulders. 2. Sun damage to your skin Wrinkles and age spots are inevitable. But spending time in the sun ages your skin more rapidly. According to the American Academy of Dermatology, every time you go out in the sun without protection, your skin is exposed to UV rays. You can protect your skin by keeping it covered, staying in the shade, and using sunscreen. Your dermatologist can also help with treatments to reverse the effects of sun damage. 3. Dehydration It seems crazy to get dehydrated as all that water surrounds you. But it’s easy when you are in the sun all day. Drink 16 ounces of water an hour when you’re at the beach, and you should be good to go! Also, if you feel like you’re overdoing it, get in the shade and drink something with electrolytes right away. 4. Jellyfish stings and other first-aid concerns Any fun outing has associated health risks. But there are plenty of ways to avoid the risks and be prepared if anything unfortunate does happen. Always bring a first aid kit to deal with scrapes and cuts. Make sure you know how to treat a jellyfish sting. Be smart and don’t swim outside of your ability. Be aware of any undertows. If you’re at the beach with children, consider a beach spot with a lifeguard.

The Wounded Scout A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

DEA agent come to my farm “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs: “Your badge, show him your badge!”

I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week. Yeah? Me just once. Oh, but wait, I thought you were single……Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.

A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her......Why can’t you do the same……Are you mad, I said, I barely know the woman!

Why are chemists great at solving problems……Because they have all of the solutions!

Why did the man run around his bed……Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far……I said, only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places……He told me to stop going to those places.

Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere……Because it was two-tired!

Intelligent and Smart Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation. At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training. When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him" she said. Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was. "Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really intelligent and smart people".