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Army vs. Marines Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Little Johnny’s Breakfast A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies Ottawa as Canada's capital. Peter tell her Newfoundland was the first North American site discovered by European explorers When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a tough question. Johnny, she asks, 'where is the Pakistan border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says: 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger-all for breakfast'.

After being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, the Dr. suggested it might be a good idea to remove all the sugary and high carbohydrate foods from my fridge and cupboards……so I did that yesterday and it was delicious.

When my wife found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline......she hit the roof.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea……A supreme liter.

Just got back from my mate’s funeral, he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball……It was a lovely service.

A work colleague got hurt today when a box of Omega 3 tablets was thrown at him……Luckily, he suffered only super fish oil injuries

I called an old MIT graduate friend to ask him how he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment." I was impressed……However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

What did one tornado say to other tornado……Let's twist again like we did last summer

15 Things You Probably Never Knew About Dementia Dementia affects millions of people, yet a lot of myths about this condition still exist. Whether you have a loved one who suffers from dementia or you just want to learn more for yourself. Here are 15 interesting things you probably never knew about dementia: 1. Denial is common — but it doesn’t help Loved ones commonly ignore signs of dementia in aging relatives. After all, we all want to hope for the best. But denying symptoms of dementia isn’t just pointless; it’s harmful. Don’t waste precious time ignoring the signs, because identifying dementia early can improve treatment options. The many benefits to early detection include the fact that some medications are more effective when taken at the earliest signs of dementia. 2. Too many medications can have negative effects Some patients experience even worse memory loss or disorientation when they end up with too many prescriptions for dementia. When you go to the doctor with your loved one, bring a list of every single thing they take, including vitamins, and inquire about possible side effects. Also, ask how long the patient should take each drug. Often, people take medication long after they should stop, which can lead to negative side effects. 3. You can still improve brain health after a dementia diagnosis Many people give up when they receive a dementia diagnosis. It seems like there’s little to do to improve brain function at that point. However, there’s a lot you can do. While the condition isn’t curable, it’s treatable. Regular exercise and meaningful activities that stimulate the brain can delay symptoms and give the patient more good days than bad. 4. Dementia patients can’t always control their behavior Being a caregiver for someone with dementia can be frustrating and emotional. Try to remember they can’t control their behavior. Someone with dementia isn’t deliberately trying to ignore or hurt you although they may say hurtful things. 5. Tomorrow may just be 30 minutes away The thing with dementia is that a patient’s memory comes and goes. You could have a horrible scene as you try to prepare your dad for the doctor. Then, things may calm down a short time and return to (relatively) normal. When you’re caring for someone with dementia, remember to take it one half-hour at a time. If your loved one asks for someone who’s no longer around (like a relative who has passed), try the validation method. For example, instead of telling your dad his grandmother is gone, ask him to tell you about her. This can be immensely calming for both of you. 6. Dementia isn’t its own disease Dementia is an umbrella term for a number of diseases that affect the brain, including Alzheimer’s (the most common). This is good to know as you talk to others about their experiences. The condition can manifest in different ways, so your loved one could have a much different experience from others. This also means there’s a spectrum as far as the severity of symptoms. 7. Women suffer from dementia more than men Women suffer from dementia two-fold. First, they are more likely than men to get dementia in the first place. This could be because women, in general, live longer than men and have more of an opportunity to develop the condition as they age. Also, women are more likely to become caregivers for a loved one with dementia. On a global scale, women take on the burden of dementia disproportionately to men. 8. Dementia involves more than just memory loss We tend to equate dementia with memory loss, but there are other symptoms, too. Knowing the other symptoms, like confusion, disorientation, trouble communicating, mood swings, sudden aggression, and personality changes. If you notice anyone in your family with these signs, get them to a doctor to get a diagnosis and rule out any other causes. 9. Dementia can happen before age 65 This condition tends to progress as we age, but it isn’t just a disease for the elderly. Early-onset Alzheimer’s disease affects those younger than 65. Current estimates suggest around 200,000 Americans have early-onset Alzheimer’s. These patients are in their 40s or 50s and may even be a caregiver for someone with dementia. Because they are so young, they are often misdiagnosed. If you think you have early-onset dementia, keep a record of symptoms to discuss with your doctor. Also, make sure to mention if you have a family history with the condition, as there seems to be a genetic component. 10. About 50 million people around the world have dementia According to the World Health Organisation, about 50 million people worldwide suffer from dementia, and an additional 10 million people are diagnosed every year. Dementia is unique in that it’s incurable and also non-terminal. People don’t die from it, though their quality of life suffers. 11. You can take preventative measures While there’s still a lot of research to be done as far as dementia prevention, current data suggests we aren’t all doomed to have the condition, even if it runs in our family. Preventative measures include quitting smoking (or never starting), cutting down on alcohol use, eating a healthy diet, and sustaining a healthy weight, as well as maintaining healthy cholesterol, blood sugar, and blood pressure levels. 12. Dementia is more common in poor, uneducated populations Dementia is more common in poorer areas. It’s also more common among people who are not college-educated. This is true around the world, not just in America. India and China, for example, are seeing a rise in dementia patients among their populations, too. While research is inconclusive on why dementia seems to target these demographics, it signifies the start of a global health crisis as more people move into lower-income environments. Some researchers believe a prolonged education builds up a “cognitive reserve,” which can make the brain more efficient. A stimulating job can also give you a cognitive reserve. 13. Caregiver burnout is real If you’re a caregiver for someone with dementia, you’ve likely had moments when you felt like you just couldn’t take it anymore. This is caregiver burnout. Get some help, even if it means hiring an in-home nurse or health aid for a few hours a week so you can take time to relax. Be kind to yourself, and don’t forget to sleep. 14. The costs of dementia The current cost of dementia in the US. Alzheimer’s cost the U.S. $277 billion in 2018, not including unpaid caregiving costs. The bulk is for Medicaid ($186 billion), followed by $60 billion for out-of-pocket costs. In 2017, the cost of unpaid family caregiving was worth about $232 billion. The added burden of caregiving was estimated to be an extra $11.4 billion in healthcare costs. And that’s just for Alzheimer’s. The cost of dementia care is estimated to be over $1.1 trillion by the year 2050 (in 2018 dollars). The current cost of dementia in the UK. The cost of dementia in the UK is expected to more than double in the next 25 years, from £26bn to £55bn in 2040. Dementia has higher health and social care costs (£11.9bn) than cancer (£5.0bn) and chronic heart disease (£2.5bn) combined. 15. You can still live a good life with dementia Dementia is a challenging disease. But, for many patients, it’s still possible to live a good life. Proper care and treatment are essential for anyone to live a full life with the condition. If you’re a caregiver, surround yourself with a supportive team so you can take a break and recharge. This will give you the patience you need to help your loved one live their best life.

Focus On Work A young Lieutenant pondering over a drink at the Officers' Mess asks his Commanding Officer, "Sir, despite my best efforts, I seem to be unable to earn commendations for my work and my ability does not seem to evolve?" The Commanding Officer patiently answered, "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the rising sun, with their wings alight, looking like they're on fire?" "Yes, my sir, I have." "And the sunlight, beautifully scattered across hundreds of tiny waves, across the eternity that makes up this endless ocean?" "Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it." "Then the moon... that kisses the calm waters, who in return reflects all of its enormous beauty?" "Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvellous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this nonsense instead of focusing on work."

The More You Drink... A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pints. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pints. And the bloke downed them all... one, two, three, four, five. As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pints and the bloke downed them... one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again, he knocked them back... one, two, three. "Two pints, mate!" he called. The barman served him two pints and down they went... one, two. "One pint, sssir!" The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman: "Y'know, it'sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!"

How dangerous is a dirty car? Research released by the University of Nottingham, England showed that more than half of cars could be harbouring potentially deadly bugs like E.coli or MRSA. According to the University’s data, 51 per cent of drivers say that they drop food and other perishable remains inside their cars, allowing bacterial and viral cultures to develop unchecked. Worse still, the study found that 60 per cent of drivers continue to eat food in their dirty cars, while a majority said that they only very rarely clean out the inside of their vehicles. The University’s researchers took swabs from inside the car, the steering wheel, footwell and seats. From these, they found evidence of bugs like Staphylococcus, which can cause food poisoning, conjunctivitis and even necrotising pneumonia, which causes the lung to rot. You’d think your car would be free of germs. But just like your own home, your car can make you sick, too. 15 ways your car could be making you sick: 1. Steering wheel This likely comes as no surprise, but the things hands contact the most are where you’ll find the most germs. And what do you touch more than the steering wheel? Norovirus germs and other gastrointestinal viruses are most commonly found on steering wheels, reports USA Today. 2. Gear shift Every car has a gear shift, but people who drive a manual handle theirs more often. Cold and flu viruses can live on those hard surfaces for at least 24 hours. So keep disinfecting wipes in your car and regularly wipe down the gear shift. 3. Pollen and allergens Have you noticed that your vehicle is covered with yellow specks of pollen? Most cars are outside some or all the time, providing ideal surfaces for pollen and allergens during blooming seasons. These particles enter the car and cause people with allergies to experience worse symptoms. 4. Reusable bags As you shop, your reusable bags may come in contact with e. coli or salmonella. When you toss the bags back into your hot trunk, the bacteria can multiply rapidly. You don’t have to stop using reusable bags. Just make sure to wash them often and don’t store them in your car. 5. Cabin air filter The cabin air filter keeps pollen and dust out of your car’s AC and heating system. Not changing it regularly can make breathing difficult for people with allergies or asthma. Change your cabin air filter every 15,000 to 30,000 miles; the car’s manual will give you an exact number. 6. Cup holders Cup holders are touched often. But there’s another reason these openings get germy. Studies show bacteria grow more quickly from spilled food in cars than other places due to the heat. It’s hard to clean all those nooks and crannies. So if your cup holder is removable, running it through the dishwasher is a great way to prevent germs. 7. Kids’ car seats Children’s hands are always touching their car seats. They also spill food on them, allowing for bacteria growth. Little kids in daycare are frequently exposed to colds, gastroenteritis, hand, foot, and mouth disease, and pink eye. All those germs enter your car too. 8. Radio dials and other controls You contact the controls in your car every time you get in. You turn on the stereo, adjust the AC, and fix the mirrors. All this touching gives plenty of opportunities for the germs you and your passengers encountered to find a new home. Wipe them down often! 9. Dust mites If you aren’t familiar with these microscopic relatives of the spider, dust mites are tiny insects that feast on dust. Therefore, they live anywhere you find dust. And when it comes to your car, that means the seats and the dashboard are hotspots for these little guys. Even though it seems gross, dust mites don’t hurt people. You can have a dust mite allergy, however. So, people with environmental allergies can experience worse symptoms when they are in a car if it is dusty. 10. Car seats Car seats collect germs like other places in your vehicle. But in one study that tested many areas of cars for bacteria, MRSA was only found in two places: the car seats and steering wheel. MRSA is resistant to many antibiotics, so you’ll want to avoid this type of staph infection. When disinfecting your car, make sure you remember to wipe the seats, too. If you have fabric seats, consider an upholstery cleaner or disinfecting spray. 11. Climate where you live This one hardly seems fair, but it’s a reality. Bacteria multiply faster in humid climates. That’s why studies show 10 times more bacteria in cars in Miami, Florida than Tucson, Arizona. Made up of 70% water, bacteria need more water to reproduce. So humid climes are ideal for bacteria growth. 12. Exterior door handles We’ve covered the need to wipe down the interior of your vehicle to keep germs away. But you may not think to wipe down the exterior door handles, even though you touch them as frequently as the interior of your car. Don’t skip disinfecting the exterior handles, too! 13. Seat belts Seat belts are a major offender for a few reasons. First, you and your passengers touch them every time you’re in the car. But they’re made of fabric, which means they hold onto things like dust mites and spilled food and drinks more than other surfaces. Plus, they’re tougher to clean than hard surfaces you can wipe down. We advise using a disinfecting spray. 14. Dashboard Hopefully, we aren’t the only ones who’ve accidentally spilled food on the dash, creating an environment for germs! Plus, dust naturally collects on this flat surface. And the dashboard gets hot too, giving bacteria that reside there a better environment for multiplying. Just don’t forget to wipe down the dashboard regularly. 15. Car keys This germy hotbed is not just something you touch, but something you set on germy surfaces everywhere you go. Car keys were even a runner-up in a Time article on the five germiest things you touch every day. However, instead of focusing on disinfecting your car keys, Time recommends washing your hands frequently, especially after being in public places.

Winnie The Pooh A little girl walks in to the living room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says, "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking: "And Tigger?"

Helicopter Crash A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots scream at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!" "Of course, I heard you", the man replied: "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"