uk666

Breaking Wind Hymie, 80, goes to see the Doctor. The Doc. asks "what's up?" Hymie says; "Doctor, I have this problem. Lately, I've been getting these silent gas emissions. Last week my wife & I were at dinner with friends and I let 6 or 7 go. They make a noxious odour, but they're silent so I'm getting away with it, matter of fact I've had 3 or 4 slip out since I've been here in this office with you. It's not so bad, but is there anything you can do to help?" The Doctor says: "As a matter of fact, there is, the first thing I'm gone to do is send you to a hearing specialist."

The covering up A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and occasionally, 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

Delivering Bad News Tom, Glenn, and Scott were working on a high-rise building project. Glenn fell off and was instantly killed. As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get that, Tom?" "Glenn's wife gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Tom said, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Glenn's widow.' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?......."

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet……In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly……So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…

It is so cold outside……I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets……Then it hit me.

Magnificent Niagara I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying. I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power". While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

An Overweight Blonde A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods... "I'll tell you; I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Who doesn’t love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting the day with a long, loving kiss……Apparently the airline had a different take on these things.

Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or I won’t talk to you……attitudes are actually a punishment.

How do all the oceans say hello to each other……They wave!

The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands……They pick them, clean to the bone.

A man is incomplete until he is married……After that, he is finished.