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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone! "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! “......Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburettor……I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night……Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

Why do blondes have square boobs……Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Widow at Funeral The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children: "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa."

You're an Idiot! A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual. "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." "Why would I come in second?," the brow-beaten husband asked. "Because you're an idiot!"

Drunk Driving Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Yes, I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these margaritas which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of beers - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." He said while fumbling around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he then held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the drunk exclaimed: "Why? Don't you believe me?!"

The Ladies Tees SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY, a woman called her husband's lifelong golfing buddy. "What's the matter?" asked the friend. "It's Sam," she said. "I don't know where I went wrong." "What do you mean?" "I was cleaning out Sam's closet," the wife explained," and I found several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them." "So?" "But they aren't mine and when I asked Sam about them, he told me they were his." "There's nothing to get upset about." The friend assured her. "Everybody knows that Sam will do anything to be able to hit from the shorter ladies' tee."

Aviation A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the night-time, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

The Slowest Worker Ever A young man was a very slow worker and subsequently found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked. "I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whoosh, they were gone!"

The First Pitch! The President and first lady Melania are in the front row at a Yankee's baseball game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something into the President’s ear. Mr. Trump pauses then grabs the first lady Melania by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes hands with those near him, getting "high fives". The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers: "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw the 'FIRST PITCH'"

Divorce A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, “I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers: "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'