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Hair Humour What he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit. – William Shakespeare It is foolish to tear one’s hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. – Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BC-43 BC) I don’t consider myself bald, I’m just taller than my hair. – Seneca, Roman philosopher (1st c. AD) He’s the kind of guy that when he dies, he’s going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald. – Marlon Brando The tenderest spot in a man’s make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head. – Helen Rowland, writer Opportunity has hair in front; behind she is bald; if you seize her by the forelock, you may hold her, but, if suffered to escape, not Jupiter himself can catch her again. – Latin proverb A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. – Mae West Better a bald head than no head at all. – Seamus MacManus Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald. – Chinese proverb The good lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs growing hair that’s up to them. – John Glenn, astronaut It’s not the hair on your head that matters. It’s the kind of hair you have inside. – Garry Shandling Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing That You Really Are Going Bald People keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more head I get!" People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the bald part! The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and combing them straight back actually crosses your mind. People always chasing you with billiard sticks. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice! You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first thing in the morning. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and it ain't "economy-sized", neither! The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good! You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine," t-shirt. Each day takes longer to wash your face. You no longer have a dandruff problem. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now a member.

Medical Discussion Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart, he was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So, they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was just G A S - but I was wrong, too!"

Gossip The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the neighbours say, a advanced youngster; at all events, she knows the ways of the world. Her mother had occasion to punish her one-day last week for a particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room. An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children. "Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how naughty you'd been?" The youngster shook her head, emphatically said, "guess I didn't" Her mother asks, "and why not" she gurgled; "why, it'd be all over the heavens in no time."

The Church Gossip Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night. You just gotta love Frank!

Physical Activity Routine During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied: "I'm just a shit golfer."

Pregnant Mystery A three-year-old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office. He inquisitively asks the lady," why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "oh yes, it’s a real good baby." With even a more surprised and shocked look he said: "Then why in the world did you eat him?"

Applause A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly. Still the clapping continued. When he went behind the scenes, he saw an Irish stagehand laughing heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing out his chest. "What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman. "Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply. "Hand-clapping?" "Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show they appreciate me." "D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."

A Foot Race Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied: "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

loudest Fart wins! There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief. So, the wise-man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief. The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted. The wise-man emerges and says, "Big Chief no Fart." The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wise-man says, "Big Chief no Fart." The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wise-man comes out and says, “Big Chief no Fart." The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans. At the end of the day the wise-man comes out and says... "Big Fart, no Chief!"

Beretta Pistol Testimonial This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here is her story in her own words: While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlements and other divorce issues. We were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. The alligator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His insurance was the big bonus. I'm comfortable now.

Female View God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits. Best Qualities in a Good Woman Women have strengths that always amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. A quality woman will have the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend, after a long drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home mums, biker babes, and your neighbours. She carries herself with the utmost class and respect. They wear suits, jeans, and uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. She knows what she wants out of life and she will never give up on her dreams. They are smart: They know that knowledge is power, but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women always do what is best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. She will always be there and she’ll make sure you know it, just like she’ll give you your personal time without making a problem out of it. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a good woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth; they bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. A good woman knows how to pick a man who won’t give her a reason to be jealous and she will be secure in herself. They give moral support to their family and friends. Woman has her own life, ambitions and dreams. She will never put them aside for anyone. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with. Best Qualities in a Good Men Men are good at lifting heavy things and killing spiders!

military Tactics The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building": The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Harleys v. Women Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God". St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur: "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Polite Behaviour Working as a paediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behaviour." With that, the girl yelled even louder: "No, thank you! No, no, thank you!"

The Facts of Life Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes; There's too much fraternising with the enemy. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in New Zealand. (Unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: Women. Fractions.

High Hopping Kangaroo A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said: "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Women’s Health Issues Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Jack Daniel's. Jack Daniel's is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Jack Daniel's can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Jack Daniel's almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Jack Daniel's. Jack Daniel's may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Jack Daniel's. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: Dizziness Nausea Vomiting Incarceration Loss of motor control Loss of clothing Loss of money Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth And a desire to sing Karaoke WARNINGS: The consumption of Jack Daniel's may make you think you are whispering when you are not. The consumption of Jack Daniel's may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them. The consumption of Jack Daniel's may cause you to think you can sing. The consumption of Jack Daniel's may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.