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Doris Day dies; legendary actress and singer was 97 The "Que Sera, Sera" singer passed away in California following a bout with pneumonia. Doris Day was the fresh-faced, all-American girl who became one of the world's most bankable film stars. Her glittering singing career included timeless classics like Whip Crack Away, Qué Será Será and Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps. She is perhaps best remembered for three frothy romantic comedies she made with sly, square-jawed leading man Rock Hudson and sardonic sidekick Tony Randall: “Pillow Talk” (1959), “Lover Come Back” (1961), and “Send Me No Flowers” (1964). She earned her sole Oscar nomination as Best Actress for “Pillow Talk,” losing to Simone Signoret (“Room at the Top”). On screen, the wholesome, girl-next-door never failed to find love. Off screen, she could not have had less luck: she married four times. One of them beat her and another one robbed her. Later in life, she suffered the agony of watching her beloved only child die of an untreatable tumour. She retreated to a house in California, surrounding herself with animals and campaigning for their welfare. Doris Day had been a strong advocate for animal welfare since founding Actors and Others for Animals in 1971, which campaigned against the fur trade. She collected furry things wherever she found them, becoming known on set as the "Dog Catcher of Beverley Hills". Following her retirement, she ran the Doris Day Animal League at her home in Carmel, California, her house filled with stray animals rescued from the streets. She repeatedly turned down the offer of a lifetime achievement Oscar but, in 2004, she was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President George W Bush for her work as an entertainer and her commitment to animal welfare. She remained active in choosing which films, adverts and TV shows got to play the Doris Day hits, but resisted all attempts to lure her out of retirement. She chose dogs and cats over fame and fortune, but had no regrets. The Doris Day Animal League donated $1.5 million to Amendment 13, the ballot initiative against dog racing that scored a surprising win at Florida's ballot box this past November. "It is with profound sadness that we say goodbye to our friend Doris Day, legendary actress, singer, & fierce animal advocate," the Humane Society of the United States said in a statement. "Though she will be missed, we can't thank her enough for her admiration & devotion to animals." The legendary entertainer's "wishes were that she have no funeral or memorial service and no grave marker," according to her foundation's statement. "I've always believed things work out exactly as they're supposed to," she told one interviewer. Or in the words of her song, Qué Será Será. “Que Será, Será (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)” from “The Man Who Knew Too Much,” Alfred Hitchcock’s 1956 movie

The Married Cold The Seven Stages of the Married Cold: A husband's reactions to his wife's colds during seven years of marriage. The seven stages are as follows: Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor. Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa. Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup? Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while. Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins? Stage 6: Why don't you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening? Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?

Sermon on the What!! Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around Him. He taught them saying: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven Blessed are the meek Blessed are they that mourn Blessed are the merciful Blessed are they that thirst for justice Blessed are you when persecuted Blessed are you when you suffer Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven. ~ Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?" ~ And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?" ~ And James said, "Will we have a test on this?" ~ And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?" ~ And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this." ~ And Matthew said, "May I go to the toilet?" ~ And Mark said, "Which National Curriculum level is this?" ~ Then one of the pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Where are your lesson plans and what are your objectives in the cognitive domain?" And Jesus wept.

The Gong After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. What's up with the big brass gong? one of his guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it works?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch!" the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed...... "You asshol_e! do you know It's three-fifteen in the Morning!"

A Slip of the Tongue One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?" "No," said the other priest. "Well" said the first priest, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time." "Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?" "Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first priest. "Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was: "I now sentence you to death."

The Toddler's Rule If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is liquid, it must be shaken then spilled. If it is solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with full speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is trash, it must be removed, inspected and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a pen or pencil, it must write on refrigerator, monitor, TV or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting empty. If it is empty, it must be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If it is a paper, it must be torn. If it has switches, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet.

Italian Cruise Ships The plight of the Costa Concordia brings to the fore a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner. Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship. “There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill. “First their cuisine is unsurpassed." "Second their service is superb." "And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

The Great Gambler Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man, he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"

The Gold Watch The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. For example, he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my $4 million Patek Philippe Caliber Pocket watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my left-hand nightstand in our bedroom." When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?" "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?" "I gave it to the first one", said the wife. "He knew exactly where it was.

The Old Repair Man The Kosher bakeries matzah machine speed-controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $10,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was 3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old Morris. Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years. In fact, he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn't impressed by much. As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself. "Thank goodness you're here," he said. "How long will it take you to fix it?" Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, "Oh, about fifteen minutes.... so, don't worry." "Great!" replied the plant manager, "My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need." After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, "I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!" "I can and I will," replied Morris. "As soon as I figure out what the heck is wrong with it!"

Your Dog Was Depressed Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. Jason makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing and falls to his death. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth, " he replies: "Spot seemed very depressed to me!"

First Visit To Gf'S Apartment A young lady is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment. She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment block and look for apartment 29E, and with your elbow push button 29E. When inside you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 29. When you get out of the elevator, you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you". The boyfriend says: "Darling, that sounds very easy to find, please explain why am I have to use my elbow and not my finger to press all the buttons"? "Oh my God"!!! she says. "You're not coming empty-handed are you"?