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Blame The Bubbles I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Double mint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the nurse to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The man then followed the nurse to his wife's room. The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Mud sticks A woman goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, doctor, I'm very worried about my son," She said. "All he does is play football all day; then he comes in covered in mud and walks all over the clean carpet." "I rather think you may be over-reacting," said the doctor reassuringly. "Sons often behave like that." "I know, doctor," said the woman. "But it's not just me that's worried about him. His wife is too."

Learning to Let the Wild Be Wild in Yellowstone Learning to Let the Wild Be Wild in Yellowstone, in May 2016. Parts of the Yellowstone region are wilder now than they’ve been in a century. Grizzlies are spreading. This one, in Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming, USA fends off ravens from a bison carcass. Photograph by Charlie Hamilton James, National Geographic

How Dogs Are Better Than Women A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. A dog's parents will never visit you. Another man will seldom steal your dog. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs do not hate their bodies. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs don't care about previous dogs in your life. Dogs don't get mad at you when you pet another dog. Dogs don't shop. Dogs enjoy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. Dogs love it when you leave your clothes on the floor. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. Dogs limit their time in the bathroom to a quick drink. Dogs never expect flowers on Valentine's Day. Dogs never expect you to call them. Dogs seldom outlive you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs won't hold out on you to get a new car. Dogs won't get mad at you if you forget their birthday. If A dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. If A dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. If A dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. If A dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free. No dog will ever wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. The later you are, the more excited your dog are to see you. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Avengers: Endgame beats box office records Avengers: Endgame has made box office history by taking a record-breaking $1.2bn (£929m) in global ticket sales in its opening run. The Disney blockbuster has become the fastest film ever to break the $1bn barrier, doing so in just five days. Endgame is the 22nd offering in the Marvel Studios superhero franchise. Its opening takings smashed the previous global debut record of $640m set by last year's Avengers: Infinity War. In the US alone, Endgame - which stars Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man - brought in a record $350m, and also enjoyed the UK and Ireland's biggest opening ever with takings of £43.7m. Forbes notes that 45% of the global ticket sales came from 3-D showings around the world while $91.5m (£70.7m) came from IMAX screens, double Marvel Studio's previous opening weekend record. Also 4DX - the cinema experience with stimulating effects like water, wind, scent and strobe lighting - earned $15m (£11.6m) globally on the movie. Walt Disney Studios Chairman Alan Horn said in a statement: "Though Endgame is far from an end for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, these first 22 films constitute a sprawling achievement, and this weekend's monumental success is a testament to the world they've envisioned, the talent involved, and their collective passion, matched by the irrepressible enthusiasm of fans around the world". The popular Avengers franchise began back in 2008 with Iron Man. Endgame has received positive reviews from critics, with a 96% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Endgame features stars including Downey Jr, Chris Hemsworth and Scarlett Johansson who play a group of superheroes battling the villain Thanos, played by Josh Brolin.

Carlos Says Carlos Escobar was a programmer at Sierra Online in the late 80s and early 90s. He worked on many games. He was a wonderful, warm, witty, droll, and dry individual who entertained all around him. He was also kind, always coming up with some new way to help those who needed help. He came up with so many funny lines that fellow programmer Robert Lindsley created a batch file that many of us ran in our autoexec.bat files. It would display a random quote from Carlos every time we restarted our computers (which was quite often back in those days!). There’s a fine line between my friends… and the people I get stuck working with. I’m sorry I’m doing such a poor job of pretending I’m listening. He is a legend... in his own mind. I like you just as much today as I did yesterday. You must have mistaken me for someone who cares. I’m mildly impressed. Don’t get married. Don’t have kids! As long as your code has lots of white space and comments.... who cares if it works When I say ‘we’ I’m really talking about you. Just wedge it. I think the problem is between the chair and the keyboard. Happy thoughts, phony smile. Why be nice when you can be honest? It’s not what you say or do… it’s your timing that counts. I have all day to be rude… but I’d rather wait until just the right moment. Let me apologize in advance for tomorrow’s rudeness. Let me get this right, you just said, ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah’? It doesn’t get any better than this. I treat you like I treat everyone else… like dirt. I will give it the attention it deserves. I’m not trying to save the world… but maybe I should — it would be easier. This is not rocket science. This is not brain surgery. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Did you ride the short bus to school? What colour is the sky in your world? I think this Internet thing is gonna take off. It could be worse; it could be me. You’re full of useless information. I can almost call you a friend. You’re more full of shit than a Christmas goose. I’m not asking for much. Good enough for who it’s for. You must have mistaken me for someone who cares. Feel free to tell me all about it; not that I’m listening. Did you ever think it might just be you? It’s not magic, it’s just code! I’ve seen it all; I’ve done it all. I just can’t remember it all. Do you want some cheese with that whine? Take your time… I have all day. Don’t be alarmed if I happen to snore while you’re talking. Let me connect you with someone who cares. Which part of read-only don’t you understand!? We came very close to being friends. If I had feelings, they’d be hurt. I like you just as much today as I did yesterday. If I never see you again, it’ll be too soon. Let’s make a deal: you continue talking and I’ll continue pretending to listen. I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?” Don’t let me slow down your search for someone who cares. There’s a fine line between my friends and the people I’m stuck working with. You know, it’s always something. There’s a fine line between a bug and sloppy code. You know you’re lost if you must make a printout. That’s the start of a good idea!” I’m not grouchy! I just expect perfection. What’s a gig between friends? If I want any more shit from you, I’ll squeeze your head. If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. Hold on while I put on my ‘Give-a-Damn’ face. Exactly which orifice would you like me to pull that miracle out of?! Don’t let the door hit you on the way to Development! To know me is to hate me. There are now 95 employees. That makes 80 that I don’t know, nor care to know! I don’t get paid nearly enough to care. Great. I’ll put everything else aside and focus on your problem. A fool and his money soon become my close personal friends. Your money and my pocket are a match made in heaven. Even freeware is written better than that! I share my bitterness with everyone! Someday I’ll work with professionals; until then, I’m stuck with you! What good are friends if I can’t take advantage of them? I never knew what real happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late! Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t make it wrong.

Considering Wicked Cop Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?". The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K... He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The officer says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The officer says: "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

Stolen Car After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late, they find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house. And, there is a note on the door reading: "I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Craving For Chili A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says: "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

Girl without hands wins - Handwriting Competition A girl born without hands has just won a national award for her handwriting. Ten-year-old Sara, from Maryland, USA wowed the judges of the 2019 Zaner-Bloser National Handwriting Contest. The award is given each year to students with special needs. Sarah even figured out a method of writing on her own - to write, she grips her pencil between her arms. Sara was born in China and adopted by a family in the US at the age of six. She could only speak and write Mandarin when she arrived in the USA, but quickly picked up English from her older sister, Veronica. She says: "I like the way the letters are formed, It's kind of like art." Her mum, Cathryn, said: "We learned pretty quickly to trust her judgment and let her gauge how much she wants to do and then let her do it." "You never really see her as having a disability because she has this can-do, I-can-tackle-anything attitude." Sara also likes playing chess, swimming and sculpture!

Actual Headlines Enfield’s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Stolen Painting Found by Tree Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Steals Clock, Faces Time Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Man, Minus Ear Waives Hearing Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Include your Children When Baking Cookies Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge Teacher Strikes Idle Kids If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds of Dead

Why I Love Retirement How many days in a week? -- 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday When is a retiree’s bedtime? -- Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? -- Only one, but it might take all day. What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? -- Not enough time to get everything done. Why don’t retirees mind being called “senior citizens?” -- The term comes with a discount. What is considered formal attire among retirees? -- Shoes with laces. Why do retirees count pennies? -- They have the time. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? -- Nuts! Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? -- As soon as they do, one of their kids will want to store stuff there. What do retirees call a long lunch? -- Normal. What is the best way to describe retirement? -- The never-ending coffee breaks. What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? -- If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? -- He is too polite to tell the whole truth. What do you do all week? -- Monday to Friday, nothing; Saturdays and Sundays, I rest!

Chained Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks." They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular. St Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity." The guy says, "I stepped on a duck."

Physical check-up Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Mind the doors Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old coach to keep at the bottom of his garden to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line. One very wet day some of his friends called to see Archie and were informed by his wife that he would be 'on the train.' Going down the garden they found Archie sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking furiously at his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour. 'Hello, Archie,' his friends greeted him, 'why are ye no inside in a day like this?' 'Can ye no see?' replied Archie with a nod towards the old coach windows, 'they only sent me a non-smoker.'

How Dogs Are Better Than Men Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you’re gone. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong. Dogs admit when they’re jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch. And they never laugh at how you throw. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (Well, truthfully rabies is the worst, but there IS a vaccine for it. And, you get to kill the one that gave it to you!) Dogs understand what “no” means. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.